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I have people that I can have a laugh with and send funny pictures to, or people to go out drinking with, or friends I will cook dinner for but I don’t feel like I have a connection to anyone.
I got with my abuser as a teenager and I’ve always struggled with making very close friends, but after we got together it became harder and harder.
When we moved in together, I moved to the other end of the country, and he forced me to live in the suburbs near his family, instead of in the city centre where I could easily go out and meet other people. On the rare occasions I did go out he would harass me with texts or calls all night so I could never feel truly present.
I’m in my mid twenties now and I feel like I have completely lost the skill to make close friends and be vulnerable with others. I will let any friend cry on my shoulder but I will never cry on theirs. I will let my friends tell me all of their secrets but I don’t even like disclosing the abuse unless its very relevant to the conversation or I am asked directly.
Sometimes I think I will go into work and not fake happiness, and then people will ask me what’s wrong and then I can finally open up, but every single time my body automatically fakes it and I know I can cover it up well because I did so for years and years.
I’d love a female friend that I could tell everything to, share secrets with, have silly sleepovers with, but with even my kindest, closest friends – who would never reject me for what I’m going through – I just can’t bring myself to be emotional or cry in front of them, there’s a serious mental block that I feel is preventing me from having genuine friendships.
Has anyone else been able to break through this wall and be vulnerable again? I want to feel human and I feel like a robot… -
Hello, I don’t have the answer sadly but can totally relate. Abuse makes us hyper vigilant and ultra independent which is a catch 22 when it comes to friendships. It seems really hard to make friends for everyone these days, funny isn’t it how society has gone that way. My reply probably doesn’t help but didn’t want to read & run, and I hope others have some great tips we can learn from xx
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Hi FlowersAfterFloods,
It sounds as though you are afraid to be vulnerable with friends, perhaps that comes from a fear of rejection? It sounds like you allow yourself to be the good time friend or the shoulder to cry on. You are ok showing your together side – but you can’t share your “messy side.” I heard once that it is when you allow yourself to be vulnerable, when you show people your “messy side” that you form those deeper connections. People like you for your strengths, but they love you for your vulnerabilities.
Which sounds great but it’s really hard to put that into practice!
I find it hard to form close friendships, a combination of low self-esteem, social anxiety and the isolation caused by abuse. I can be friendly, fun and appear confident. But underneath I find it very hard to let people close to me, and struggle with showing my vulnerability. It’s like armour, or a mask. After I left my husband, I couldn’t hide behind that mask any more and being without that, I felt horribly vulnerable.
During this time, I’ve got closer to one friend in particular, who has really gone out of her way to be supportive. It still doesn’t feel comfortable showing this level of vulnerability and sharing my feelings – but I keep going. Bit by bit.
I hope in time that I am able to make new friends, now that I am living in a new area. It isn’t easy, I have to push myself out of my comfort zone. I try to set goals. I look out for opportunities to meet new people, or to reach out to friends.
It takes practice, persistence and bravery. I think you’re doing so well being so sociable and supportive to your friends. Maybe look at opening up as your gift to them – trusting them with your feeling xx
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