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    • #134497
      Darknessallaround
      Participant

      I’ve done it before, more than once, so I know it’s possible. I just don’t feel able to go through it again.

      The difference is that before, I had somewhere else to go and someone who was there for me. I no longer have that option or that person. I have health problems I didn’t have before and I’m not working now. If I leave again, I will be totally alone this time.

      I can’t imagine living the rest of my life like this, but I can’t imagine completely coping alone either. I don’t see this ending well.

    • #134514
      nbumblebee
      Participant

      Your post stopped me in my tracks today. Because yes me.
      I hate my life I dont wanna wake up each morning I dont want him to come home from work and that makes me a terrible terrible person but its true. In my heart I dont believe i will ever leave theres a force here that keeps me frozen and i cant ever see me getting out.
      But I am trying to claw back slowly. I got a job for the firat time i had to do it all behind his back which made me feel so sick but I did it and I love it. Yes he has upped his abuse its so much worse than ever and every day he tells me not to work im not even allowed to talk about my day like he does but i still go because i need it. Its a small victory for me.
      These men take so much from us they beat us down so low we are left just a shadow of who we used to be we have got to start to try and claw ourselves back up. Take baby steps sweetie make a plan a list start today small steps that will all add up one day it doeant matter how long it takes you as long as you make a start.
      Somewhere inside you is that woman you were neant to be and she needs to come out so help her. Reach out to womans aid qho can help you with a plan advise you on finances and places to stay you dont have to be alone.
      They make us feel we dont deserve a life dont they? This is what i struggle with the most I feel I deserve this life Im a bad person and I deserve to live this, but I am working really hard to try and change this i know i am the only person thats really stopping me feom leaving so I with a counsellor am trying hard to see a light to find self esteme and self worth.
      I dont believe you deserve this life or anyone on here just myself.
      People can help us but in reality only we can make the changes in ourselves that are needed for us to break down those forces that are keeping us here. You arw not alone you dont have to do this alone but you do have to make a start yourself. You can do it sweetie you can. Start now make a list make a plan start to take small baby steps out. Sending you much love, stay safe x

    • #134516
      Secretlife
      Participant

      My situation is very similar to yours. One of the things that holds me back is having no one to support me. I don’t have family and although I have friends, they don’t live particularly close and wouldn’t be the same as family if I needed support, so this really keeps me trapped here. It will be helpful for me to see the replies to your post, thank you xx

    • #134517
      Eyesopening
      Participant

      Have you tried your local Domestic Abuse services?
      Mine were amazing, I had someone I could and still can talk to through the whole process of leaving, when I am having doubts I could txt her, when I felt really bad I would call her.
      I am lucky to have family support, but actually I really needed that person who understood abuse to support me in ways my family could not.
      nbumblebee is right, the only way is baby steps, one step at a time, don’t think too large overwise its too overwhelming.
      x*x

    • #134568
      Darknessallaround
      Participant

      Thank you all for your replies.


      @nbumblebee
      – I am so full of admiration for you. The fact that you went against him to get yourself a job and despite all the negativity and awful treatment he puts you through, that you’ve stuck to your guns and keep going out to work.

      I’ve only gone against him once in nearly (detail removed by moderator), stood my ground over something important that I felt I needed to do, and he made my life hell when I got home and for a few days afterwards. It sounds really pathetic, but I felt quite traumatised by his reaction and I haven’t dared repeat the experience.

      I just don’t know how I got from where I was a few years ago to where I am now. I don’t recognise this shell of a person I’ve become. Oddly enough it’s not him I blame, but me. I’ve allowed him to engineer this situation to his advantage. I’ve allowed him to take the upper hand, make the rules and I’ve just gone along with it.

      Part of me feels terrible guilt for what I put him through when I left last time. I suppose I feel like I deserve everything I get.

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