- This topic has 8 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 5 hours, 6 minutes ago by
EvenSerpentsShine.
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4th February 2025 at 4:39 pm #173905
Justwokenup
ParticipantIm really struggling at the minute and I dont understand why . I dont want this anymore and want to ask him to leave and I know there’s help that I can get to do this safely but for some reason I’m not reaching out .
I know that as soon as I do im on the path to be free and rheres no going bk and that’s what I want but I keep getting confused . I keep putting him first in my mind like he’ll be upset he’ll have no where to go , no money – im the main earner , he’ll be alone !! What’s a matter with me !
Im here cooking and cleaning doing drinks and washing clothes with a man sometimes I think I cant stand ! I look at him and I’m numb verging on disliking. Then I feel bad for thinking it.
I dont love him but when I think about the relationship and how difficult it is to get away i start to think is it that bad , I panic it’s the wrong decision. But then I also panic that I’ll be here forever .
We’re in seperate rooms and he knows things aren’t right long story but I have already asked him to leave but he hasn’t in his head were still trying to make it work.
I think shall I just move back into the same bedroom and just carry on and when I think this I think how happy he’d be , how relieved he’d be. When I think how I’d feel , im distraught.
Do I need counselling to help clear my head ? Has it helped ? Can I get it through a group as I can’t afford to pay 🙁
Sorry so many questions 😅
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4th February 2025 at 6:31 pm #173906
Marmalade
ParticipantHi Justwokenup,
This sounds very miserable. I think you need legal advice. Firstly if you are married he has a right to occupy the home, so even if you ask him to leave he does not have to go. He has as much right as you to stay there.
As far as I know, you can only get an Occupation order for him to vacate if you are in current danger/serious abuse from him and his behaviour is recent. Historical abuse won’t be enough.
If he refuses to go then you may need to live under the same roof until the finances are sorted out in the divorce unless you yourself leave and find alternative accommodation. On a divorce the house will be sold or whatever order about the house you agree/the court orders. This may take quite a time.
Please see a solicitor who does Family Law to get some advice. Some solicitors offer the first 30 minutes free. If you find one then make sure you have notes of all your questions and information so that you can make best use of the time.
Good luck. A lot of ladies on this forum have had to live in the same house with their ex whilst they are going through a divorce and it is really tough.
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5th February 2025 at 1:12 am #173916
Justwokenup
ParticipantI couldn’t do it once I’d said he needs to leave if he doesn’t go I’d have to there’s no way i could stay under the same roof . I’m hoping to be able to buy him out too. I cant imagine being brave enough to ask him to leave to be honest the aftermath just terrifies me !
I’d have somewhere to go with my youngest son my friend has a spare room but my middle son who’s still living at home wouldn’t be able to come and the thought of him being on his own with his dad kills me.
I left for (number removed by Moderator) weeks around (number removed by Moderator) months ago and it was awful . He put nasty things on social media with friends, family and work groups, sent threatening messages , text email and through messanger . Cancelled my phone contract , took all the money out of our bank and conveniently lost my car keys. He threatened to throw out or break all my personal belongings and then sent me flowers and love notes begging me to come back.
He refused to see his (detail removed by Moderator) son saying it would upset him too much ( upset my husband not his child). And then threatened to take him out of school and not give him back.
Then whilst I wasnt there he turned up at my friends house demanding to take his son (who was in bed) . And when they refused he got that aggressive and threatening they had to call the police.
I only agreed to move back as my youngest needed his home and on the understanding that we’re in seperate rooms as seperated people .
Every time he asks me if I want to seperate Ive said yes he gets upset and aggressive and we start again nothing moves forward- he doesn’t ask anymore 😒 .
He’s said he’ll financially ruin me if we seperate , all the credits in my name loans etc and if he clears out the account when my wages go in they won’t get paid, I work in (sector removed by Moderator) and I can’t get bad credit i wouldn’t get employed again. He knows that – he’s also said he wants enough to buy outright as he doesn’t want a mortgage so he doesn’t care if his credit ratings rubbish as he wont need it to be good.
He’s been verbally and physically abusive since I’ve got back despite being in councilling and saying he’s trying his best. He’s thrown things , broken items with sentimental meaning , bitten me , tipped drinks over me when he’s pushed me to the floor. He picked a knife up out the kitchen and started waving it about the one time. Im not sure what his intentions were ! When I wash up I always think about that and hide it on the drainer !
To keep safe I just carry on and it’s killing me but I’m stuck. I’d have to have him gone and not be able to come back near the house ,or me to feel safe . I’d be listening out for his key in the lock.
I ideally want an enforcement order put in place to protect me before I could muster up the courage to ask him to leave and even then I don’t know if I could 🙁
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5th February 2025 at 11:17 am #173930
Marmalade
ParticipantHi, if he has been physically violent recently as you have described above and has been waving a knife around causing you to fear for your safety, then you may be eligible for an Occupation Order. Please see a solicitor to see what you can do. If they say you do have the grounds for an order then it may be only for a limited time like 6 months so you would need to get your ducks in a row for the divorce quickly .
Also contact your local DA agency who can provide you with support and advice.
You can also try Rights of Women Family Law helpline for some free legal advice. It’s only open limited hours and is very difficult to get through, but is worth keeping on trying as they are very helpful.
Get some advice and support, good luck and stay safe.
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5th February 2025 at 9:34 pm #173949
EvenSerpentsShine
ParticipantHe has given you a really clear ‘preview’ of how your break up is likely to go, and it looks bad. I remember hearing someone say once “imagine the worst possible break up with your abuser and then times it by a hundred”. Not saying this to scare you, but get everything that you can get sorted out before he knows anything about it. I’ve heard of people who slowly move precious things to a safe place ( friend’s loft or garage, or parent or sibling’s house). Photocopy all important documents, get loans or debts into the name of the person they belong to if you possibly can, get a separate bank account, get in touch with a solicitor ready to go when you need to etc. Yes, he has as much right to live in the family home as you do, and if he feels like he’s losing you, probably won’t leave. Use this time to get everything you can prepared .
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10th February 2025 at 4:28 pm #174049
Justwokenup
ParticipantYes I’ve been trying to do that, I want to see if I can get an order in place before I ask him to leave incase it doesn’t go well
Ive looked at my finances and I’m trying to ensure that I can afford all of our commitments so I don’t have to rely on anything from him as that’s the first thing he’ll withhold . I know the order protects things like joint bank accounts etc so he won’t be able to move my funds out with the order in place . I already have a protective marker on the house and with the mortgage lender, I did that when I first left .
Im going to start hiding stuff away and I have my important paper work and passport s etc in my work bag so I can take it with me if I have to leave . I have diaries of dates and what’s happened including photos plus screens shots of the stuff he did on social media and the emails and messages he sent plus the police report when my friend called the police
Now all I need is the courage and conviction to follow it through and get outside help.
The amout of times I sit there thinking this is crazy, I should just be able to say this isn’t working please leave !!
- I keep thinking I’ve made it all up and it’s not that bad because this isn’t me I’m not being manipulated , im not being abused I’m over reacting . Then something else happens or I read something on here and I think actually this isn’t normal . To worry about how long I’m down the shops or when to tell him I’ve arranged to go out with friends looking for the best mood to mention it – that’s not right and I can’t do this anymore.
I feel like I’m going crazy do I need counselling?
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10th February 2025 at 4:43 pm #174051
Justwokenup
ParticipantI’ve also started having weird sensations where the areas that have previously been bruised feel numb or swollen. I cant describe it really , I also find myself day dreaming of past instances and start panicking
What’s wrong with me !
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10th February 2025 at 11:57 pm #174057
EvenSerpentsShine
ParticipantYou’ve done an amazing amount to prepare, wow, total respect. Don’t beat yourself up about how long it’s taking. Do it in the time that’s right for you. If you can get an order (and it sounds like you should, he sounds violent and very frightening to me, if he’s pushing you over and then tipping a drink on you, for example) then it will give you a head start.
my personal experience was that I ran completely on adrenaline leading up to leaving. It was uncomfortable and physically hard, but it did focus my brain. Afterwards becomes a little more tricky sometimes as the adrenaline dips out and the anxiety and grief and so many other feelings kick in. Keep doing whatever it takes to move yourself a step forward every day… sometimes that can mean having lists of goals and things you need or want to do.
Just a couple of thoughts…phone being broken is number one thing they do, so back everything up if you can. Also if you can forewarn people who he may cause trouble with, work for example. You don’t have to over share, just say you’re leaving an abusive relationship and leave it at that. Ask for their support and warn them before he contacts them. Same goes for others who he may try and contact. -
11th February 2025 at 12:32 am #174060
EvenSerpentsShine
ParticipantPs. There’s nothing wrong with you. The feelings that we have to deal with once we admit to what’s happening are overwhelming and scary.
I didn’t want to admit to it. I felt like he had already stolen enough of my time and I wasn’t going to give him a second more. I was raging. But I’ve had no choice. The feelings just happen. Some days it’s really tough. There’s grief, anxiety, anger, incomprehension, regret, sadness, guilt and loads of self loathing all chucked in.You had no choice that this person picked you out, but you do have the choice not to let it continue.
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