Does he even think about me?

[BakingQueen]

Sometimes I have good days, sometimes they aren’t so good. Today is one of those days where i can’t get him out of my head.

I keep talking to myself – having conversions with him – with all the things I want to say but know that I can’t because they enjoy your struggle and I can’t let him see I’m in pain. It’s just the game I guess.

I’ve written letters and burnt them, torn them up, typed on here, nothing seems to help.

I know I’m better off without him, I don’t want him back. I’m happy with my life and my prospects and my son is happier from being away from that toxic mess but for some reason I still can’t get him out my head.

I know what we had wasnt love but is he even hurt by the break up. Does he think about it when he’s alone with thoughts like i do? Does he go over things in his head trying to make sense of it all?

He got a new gf a couple months after we broke up. It hurts to know I spent so many years loving someone who never really loved me at all.

I thought I’d moved on from these feelings but clearly I haven’t. Can someone help me please.

Thanks x

[fridges]

@bakingqueen – you are still very sore and hurt, if you are thinking what he is thinking about you. Your attention should be turn on you.
What he thinks? He is not happy that he can not control you, they get very angry at this moment. He is so desperate to find the replacement for you, as he can not bear to stay alone, there is a constant need to feed the EGO.
How about you start to love yourself? date yourself? learn your true personality ? and go on the journey of self discovery?
Starting doing thing what you have dreamed of and did not have the courage yet?
It is hard, but you need to take a power away from him on all levels.
Of course it hurts when you give away your time, yourself to a man, who never deserved you at first place. But the longer he occupy the space in your thoughts, the more you lose. I’m not saying that you need to forget what he has done, just process in the right way for yourself, whatever helps you to detach from him on all levels. To become a free woman. It is totally fine to grief, it is totally fine to be upset and you should give yourself the time for it.
What I did – with every little step, I was eliminating both of them from my life, in both scenario. Sometimes I imagine in my head, I take scissors and cut every bad thought what was put by my bad relationships. Repeat yourself as a mantra, you have influenced me yesterday, but you have no power today and no power tomorrow over me and over my life, I’m taking it away from you.
Our thoughts are shaping us, and shaping our future, so let’s make them work for us, not against us.
Yesterday I read something – There will be men who want you and there will be a man who deserves you. Know the difference.

[KIP.]

It’s the trauma and the trauma bonding that keeps us hooked in. That’s going to take time to get over. You’ve had a lucky escape and the world is yours now to do what you please. What makes you happy. Meantime you will have good days and bad days. Embrace the feelings you get then let them go. You will get through this. Keep moving forward. Sounds like you’re doing great over all x

[itwillbeokay]

BakingQueen, I left with our very young children months and months ago now, I try hard at low contact/grey rock, he twists and turns, minimises and denies blames and gaslights, I’m in therapy and on medication. I don’t want to go back and have many positives in my life which I can clearly see and feel but this part of my life still takes up huge residence in my brain almost constantly and I don’t feel I will ever be free from it. I know things will get better but it feels like it’s taking a long time. I once read it can take something like 18-24 months to really start to recover although when I read that I thought surely everyone is and every situation is different but my point is, I guess it’s still considered early days.

I’m trying everything to recover. Although I’m rubbish at setting boundaries and this is what delays me feeling better than I do I think. I’m still fearful to do that even now.

Lots of love xx

[BakingQueen]

Ladies, thank you.

@fridges thank you for such a detailed response. I’ve been doing so many things I wasn’t able to do before, holidays with and without my son, studying, online shopping, I have no money worries anymore since leaving. I really can’t complain as life is so good for me. Seeing my son be happy and thrive reaffirms the right choice was made. I guess my self confidence has been dented and I think to myself “who would really what me and my saggy tummy and saggy boobs” even though on the contrary I tell myself everyday how amazing I am and how lucky someone will be to have me and I’ve got so much going for me and really I’m a catch but it’s going a long way to believing it. And then in the same breathe I tell myself I don’t need a man because really I don’t. I am doing this on my own and doing a good job so far. You are right. I need to fall in love with myself again and I will take that on board

@KIP I allow myself to feel sad but not for too long. I tell myself it’s ok to hurt and I’m allowed to cry but I know no more tears should be wasted on him. Thank you for responding to my post.

@itwillbeok in time you will find the strength so set those boundaries and we will work on healing as with other ladies via this amazing space. Good luck with it all. I have faith in time we will look back and feel nothing like this soon enough. Thank you for taking the time to respond to me x

[still here]

Hi, BakingQueen. I’ve thought about this too but I think it’s not whether he thinks about me but how he thinks about me. I’ve a feeling he thinks about me like you or I would think about an object, something to toy with, use, smash and put in the trash. If he thought about you in a deeper way he probably wouldn’t have been able to move on with someone new so quickly. He’s probably thinking about his new girlfriend in the same way. I was very caring with my daughter’s father but that didn’t matter a jot to him. He wasn’t interested in how I felt. He’s not capable of thinking about me like that. Now I see him as a shallow man, who’s very destructive. I realise that I was the one who was able to care and to think deeply, the mistake I made was thinking he was like that too, but then that is how he presented himself to me, until the mask slipped. I’m now left with the relief that I’m free of that confusion and have no expectations to waste my precious time on. The reason you may not have moved on is because you actually cared and real feelings don’t fade so quickly but they must fade when he’s the wrong person. I have found the more I look at him from an objective point of view, remembering what it was he did, the more my head can take over for my own benefit.

[BakingQueen]

@still here. Thank you!

You’ve put something into perspective for me. It is true I was an object to him. Someone to pay for everything and did everything around the horse while he sat on his games console. I was nothing more and that does hurt but I can’t change the past.

My ex was the same, he don’t care that I was juggling a million and one things while he didn’t work and added debt to our lives. He cared and still does only for himself. The way he’s acted towards our son after the break up proves he doesn’t even love his own flesh and blood.

Thank you for sharing. I’ve decided to make it my mission for the rest of the year to fall in love with myself. Keep a diary, try me things, plan holidays, save and read new books. I’m quite looking forward to it. At least that way with the diary I can track my feelings and maybe I’ll see some emotional progress that way x*x

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