Does he know it's abusive?

[Felicity123]

Hello. I’m struggling to get my head around how to manage abusive behaviour. I have gone from getting really upset and walking away only to go aback (sometimes months later), to getting angry and arguing with him about it to now just feeling numb and accepting this is who he is and how he behaves. I’ve decided when he mimicks me in public next time or whatever he does all in the McName of ‘I’m having a laugh’, to just remove myself from the scene. Not sulk, resume contact as normal after but remove myself from the target range. In hope that this action will teach him negative behaviour creates no response just like we would a toddler? Because maybe he genuinely doesn’t know it’s wrong?

[AlwaysSorry]

Hi there,

I tried reasoning and explaining why it was upsetting to me to be mimicked/mocked/bullied/put down. It didn’t work, it only ever got worse.
I tried telling him it wasn’t funny and was hurtful to me. It didn’t work – he would just say I had no sense of humour and needed to develop one.
I tried doing it back to him – it didn’t work, I got assaulted.
I tried not reacting – it didn’t work, he would just get closer and closer to my face until eventually he would spit at me, then assault me for having ignored him.
I tried leaving – it didn’t work, he would come after me. I once ran away from our flat without shoes on. He followed and grabbed onto me and lead me back.
I tried changing topics – it didn’t work, he would just laugh at me and resume his bullying.
I tried crying – it didn’t work. Sometimes that would make him laugh harder, other times it would make him hit himself, and other times I’d be assaulted for having cried.

I tried everything I could think of, but never ever did he start showing me respect. The reality is that no respecting adult would treat another person that way – and if they did “for the sake of having a laugh”, most people would have the decency to stop and apologise as soon as they are told “hey, that hurts”. You can’t reason with an abuser. I’ve read that some have some success with the grey rock method, though being as boring as a grey rock never got me out of it while I was my ex. I’m sorry I don’t have any success story to share with you on how to get them to change, but in my experience they aren’t going to learn to change their behaviour.

[Lisa]

Hi Felicity123

Welcome to the forum. It sounds like you have tried every approach you can think of to let him know that his behaviour affects you, the problem is that he does already know that and sadly that is why he does it because he enjoys putting you down as it makes him feel better about himself . There is no real way to manage abusive behaviour other than cutting all contact because you will never be able to control what he says or does. The underlying issue with all abusers is that they do not respect you as an equal and want to remind you of that in all sorts of ways.
You deserve so much better than this, we are here for you.

Take care and keep posting

Lisa

[Flowerchild]

Hi, Felicity,

I’m really sorry you’ve been getting such relentless unpleasantness and putdowns from your partner (husband?).

Does he know it’s abusive? Well, he probably wouldn’t use that word for it. He certainly knows it hurts you and makes you unhappy. And he doesn’t care. How awful is that? The person who should be tender and supportive and always on your side is deliberately undermining and goading and belittling you and won’t stop even though you’ve expressed your feelings and asked him multiple times.

Is that how people show their love for one another? Of course not!

Now everyone is different, buy the usual reason a man treats a female partner like this is because he is operating with a belief system that tells him women are inferior, sub-human creatures who are there to serve his needs and that they need to be kept in their place or they are likely to get silly ideas about their ‘rights’, which is annoying and inconvenient.

There’s a lot of that kind of thinking in our society – in most societies, sadly!

He may well have grown up watching his mother being bullied and controlled. He may have absorbed his ideas about relationships through watching extreme pornography where women are degraded, dominated and humiliated. He may have grown up with a peer group who routinely rated girls and women on their physical appearance and how sexually attractive they found them. He may view all women as if they are just wh*res, strippers or gold-diggers; cooks, cleaners and household slaves.

The thing is, to him, he’s behaving ‘normally’ and you’re the one with the problem attitude. There are a lot like him, totally ruined for having real loving relationships with women. The good news is there are a lot more men who know how to value, respect and love women and how to be in an equal relationship.

The bad news is he won’t change. He probably doesn’t see any problem with his thinking and behaviour. He thinks your objections are pathetic and ridiculous. He is impatient for you to learn your place, shut up, do as you’re told and get on with your job of serving him and being grateful he picked you off the heap.

If your self-esteem wasn’t at rock bottom when you met him, it soon would be if you stayed. The price of being in a relationship with a man like this is accepting his warped reality and trying to live in it. It’s not a nice place, darling.

In the end, though, does it really matter why he does what he does? Does it really matter whether he knows what he’s he’s doing is wrong? I think the most important thing is that you know how it makes you feel and what enduring it is doing to you.

You know it’s harming you. You know it’s making you unhappy. You know you want it to change. You want him to change.

Can he change? Possibly, if he had a brain switch and was prepared to spend a year or two re-educating himself. But only if he wanted to.

He’d probably prefer it if you developed that weird ‘sense of humour’ he says you need, and laughed at his cruel ‘jokes’. Why not ask him, if you feel safe doing so?

He’s toxic as he is. What he’s showing you is contempt, not love, whatever he might say. Actions are what count.

Do you want to live with his poison? Will you wait around to see if he can totally alter his belief system? Would you want to being a child, male or female, into that toxicity and let him brainwash it?

It’s up to you, darling. I’d just say that other relationships are available!

Flower x

[Twisted Sister]

Dear Felicity123

I think we can all recognise the twisting and turning yourself inside-out attempting to make the abuse stop, and I am so sorry you are suffering this right now.

He would never call himself abusive, because lack of responsibility and blame are key founding elements of his behaviour.

He only does these things because you make him, he wouldn’t have to hit you if you did as you were told, had a better sense of humour, weren’t so useless, stopped flirting, etc., His list of excuses for controlling you through fear is endless, but the main one is that you make him do it.

Because of that, his utter belief that this is on you, he will never change, because underneath it all it’s down to your behaviour, and he has to employ these tactics because of your behaviour. Yes he knows he’s doing it, yes he knows what works, no, he wouldn’t call it abuse, but then it doesn’t matter what he calls it, or what excuses he makes. He does it, it is abusive, and he won’t stop,because you see, in his world, he’s not abusive.

This is now about you, and how you will keep safe and have support to get you through.

Call WA on the helpline and do keep posting, we are all here for you. You absolutely deserve better.

Warmest wishes

TS

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