Does he know what he's doing?

[Invisible]

I have read other ladies experiences.
I have learnt the term gas lighting.

I can’t move on or leave until I know when he’s making me beg, or having his “monthly”. Does he know what he’s doing. I’ve always thought it’s just his bad temper.
Is he scaring me on purpose or not?

I need to know.
I can’t ask him. I can’t ask anyone. Every thinks he’s a nice guy.
Even me. Because he can’t be doing it on purpose. No one can be that cruel?

[iwillbeok]

Hi hon, I struggled through this question during my therapy and it still blindsides me evey now and again. It is such a difficult idea for us, who are so caring and giving and see the worls ‘with the benefit of the doubt’. I didn’t see his abuse til the dramatic end of our relationship- where I could no longer ignore the manipulation, cruelty, humiliation and egg shells I was being made to walk on. His true colours became so clear and what also became cleae was that he knew precisely what he was doibg! He had finally lost the mask and showed me, through his actions, exaclty how he saw me (his slave, subservient to him) through our whole long marriage! He had just been so subtle up until this last row that I hadn’t picked up on it.

If you can safely – please call the helpline or go to a drop in outreach session. Read Lundy Bancroft’s book “why does he do that?”. Keep posting, keep reading and reach out for help hon. You deserve to be happy, treated with respect and feel safe.

Iwillbeok x

[Ayanna]

Of course he knows what he is doing.
He gets away with it too and that makes him believe that he has free passage to abuse you as much as he wants.
Abusers do their thing away from the public eye.
They are masters of manipulation.
That’s why everyone thinks they are so nice.

The best thing for you to do is to leave, because he will never change.
He will only get worse and more abusive and violent.
And you will lose yourself the longer you stay.

The only way is out. xx

[Starla]

I struggle with this, but I have come to the conclusion that he does know what he’s doing. It’s taken me a long time to get there, and I still sometimes have doubts, but I’m sure.

I don’t think he would see what he’s doing as cruel because he would come out with all kinds of justifications to himself. Things like he had to stop me arguing back in front of the kids, I wasn’t listening to him properly, I’m too laid back with the children, etc. There is no way these things justify his behaviour, but somehow he thinks they do. Then he intentionally does these things. As far as he’s concerned he’s not doing anything wrong.

The problem with the question of intent is that we can use it to argue that we ought to try to change them or that it’s wrong to leave because they don’t even know they’re doing it. I find it helpful to think that, whether or not it is intentional, the effect on me is the same. A reasonable person should know that would be the effect, and he should care about how he treats me.

I hope that helps a bit xx

[KIP.]

Absolutely yes. The lightbulb moment for me was when I was asked if he abused me in front of witnesses. No. He can control himself when he chooses. He’s very aware of what he is doing and that it’s wrong. It’s incredibly cruel destructive dysfunctional and he chooses to behave this way. He will not change and it will get worse. Please save yourself. Reach out to o your local women’s aid x

[Tiffany]

I came to the conclusion that my abuser did know what he was doing. He was just so good at justifying it to himself as being my fault, or for my own good, that I believed that I could turn things round by changing my behaviour. I couldn’t though. Because there was always a justification for abuse if he was in a bad mood.

[teatime]

Believe us when we say he DOES know. x*x

[Confused-and-alone]

I have see sawed over this question so many times – does he know he’s doing this to me or not? However I very recently tried to leave, told him I wanted to go but he cried and begged me to stay and said he would change. So since then he has been lovely also tried being silly and flirty a lot which makes me so uncomfortable as I still want out – but my point is that his behaviour has changed so dramatically and so suddenly that I don’t trust it and can’t see it as anything other than an act. If he can change so much so quickly then he must know what he’s doing and how his behaviour affects me.

I absolutely believe they know what they are doing.

[survivorandproud]

Yes they know what they are doing. They will consciously decide when to act and when not to. It is interesting how different they will act and play the victim in front of friends, family, police etc. Stay strong x

[itwillbeokay]

The problem with the question of intent is that we can use it to argue that we ought to try to change them or that it’s wrong to leave because they don’t even know they’re doing it. I find it helpful to think that, whether or not it is intentional, the effect on me is the same. A reasonable person should know that would be the effect, and he should care about how he treats me.

^^ The above was really helpful to me, thank you. This whole thread actually as I’m still struggling with overwhelming guilt at leaving and taking our children as my husband appears so shocked and devastated I’ve done so. Minimises it all.

What are people’s thoughts when a lot of the time the abuse is when drinking? Verbal, psychological, threatening, intimidating etc.

Xx

[Invisible]

Thank you everyone for your replies.

I was so nervous reading them. I wanted to throw up. I guess part of me wanted to say, you don’t know him. He’s not like your husbands/partners.

But the truth is, you seem to know him better than his friends. He does only do it behind closed doors. He does blame me for everything and twist everything. I am scared of him.

My heart is broken.

I spend my life trying to avoid eggshells. I’ve done some really crazy stuff, just to avoid getting him angry.

I feel very alone and that nobody would understand. For the first time, it seems you all understand.

I don’t know what I’m trying to say.
My head says run away. My heart says no.

[iwillbeok]

Invisible, when my head and heart were at war with other I listened to my gut instincts. They over-rode both and said “get out, get out now!”

I can so understand when you write:

I spend my life trying to avoid eggshells. I’ve done some really crazy stuff, just to avoid getting him angry.

I did some crazy things that went so far against who I truly am as a person just to avoid setting him off. Either the rants about how everything was my fault or the sulking silent treatments.

The facts remain that it was his treatmentof me, the atmosphere he set up where I became fearful of him that meant we couldn’t have an honest, sharing relationship. I startedto even keep my good news to myself for fear he would taint it. This was me actually clinging onto my self esteem for dear life!

It was quite a shock to me to find that so many abusers had the same aspects to them. That the patterns of how these abusers treat us are so often repeated among survivors. I recall reading others experiences and thinking “oh, I thought that was just him. Just how he was.”

Keep posting, keep reading, stay strong and stay safe

Iwillbeok x

[KIP.]

Itwillbeok I just wanted to address the drinking issue. My ex hid behind this for many years. The abuse was always worse when drinking. I even went round guests at a family function begging them to stop buying him drinks. But plenty of men drink and do not abuse. It was never about the drinking. That’s something he used. The bottom line is he chose to abuse me. Either with drink or sober the effect was the same. There is never an excuse for domestic abuse. Mine used, drink, work related stress, anger management problems however he was only angry when there were no witnesses. Even in drink, there were still no witnesses so even when drunk he knew enough not to abuse me until the door was closed. Street angel house devil.

[Author]

Posts