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    • #137131

      I’ve posted a few times and really grateful for the support so here goes again…

      I’ve filed for divorce from my husband who has been emotionally abusive (pretty proud of myself for being able to see and say that after being in denial/blaming myself for so long)

      After I did so I got the silent treatment, not even acknowledging my presence in the room when the kids were there for a couple of months.

      Now he is talking to me again. Mainly practical things about the kids, but some small talk. I asked if he wants to talk about what has been going on and if there is a way forward but he said no and that I need to respect he doesn’t want to talk to me.

      (By the way, i’ve never told him I think he is abusive and in fact he has said I am abusive)

      The ball is in his court with the divorce. He has acknowledged service and should have responded about finances but hasn’t.

      I don’t know if this is because there might be hope for sorting things out and I should give him some time and he might talk. Or am I being manipulated? Does he basically want things back to normal without having to address his behaviour?

      It’s so hard because its all really subtle. There’s no saying sorry, telling me he loved me etc so its not like the ‘hoovering’ i’ve read about, so i just don’t know what’s going on.

      Any support appreciated.

    • #137132

      You can’t sort things out with an abuser unfortunately. They determine the rules of any relationship. The rules change constantly and will always be to his benefit. They can change their behaviour temporarily whilst they hoover you but the abuse will return and it will get worse. They want to punish you for the fact they’ve had to hoover and they’re emboldened because they become more confident that you won’t ever leave.

      This is almost certainly a delaying tactic. I’m my experience there were two reasons for delaying. One is to punish you, the other is financial. There may be a financial benefit to him keeping you waiting. I’m my ex’s case, he used delaying tactics to avoid having to pay a mortgage and to siphon thousands of pounds from our joint account.

      There was no hoovering once divorce proceedings happened. It was all about punishing me and it was vicious. Please try to gather a good support network around you. The forum is a great place to start. xx

    • #137145
      Twisted Sister

      Hi Soconfused2

      well done for being able to see it and say it! Thats the best leap forward, hang onto it. His silent treatment is just part of the abuse, punishing you.

      He doesn’t want to talk about ‘it’, no. Abusers don’t ‘talk’, they command, demand, and argue/shout over you.

      If he’s not complying with the financial element of the divorce the court now have powers to push that so that the divorce doesn’t get dragged out as a result.

      Make sure your solicitor keeps up the pressure to get this done asap.

      Don’t involve yourself in his world, you are divorcing, you are no longer friends, he treated you worse than an enemy, and he cannot be trusted. Keep your distance and be very careful as you can never know what lengths an abuser will go to. I’ve mentioned this before, but some years ago I read a post by a daughter, who’s mother was going through this with her husband, but she had gone to live with a friend. The friend had offered to go with the mother to the signing of the papers that the husband had requested her to come back home to do with him. She felt no fear of him but had had enough of having her life micro managed by him, so she declined her friend’s kind offer and went alone, and he killed her, with no prior warning of this extreme behaviour, noone saw it coming, only maybe her friend. Please don’t consider that he is giving any thought to your feelings in this. Keep yourself safe and don’t engage with him. He is reliant on you ‘being kind’ to him, but he’s had the benefit of the doubt over and over, and he thinks he can keep getting it.

      warmest wishes


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