Does it ever get better

[Mummyboo]

I am starting to think I never should have left. In the relationship was horrible but at least the horribleness came and went but now it seems like it is always horrible and I’m not sure how long I can cope. I was with my husband for longer than I was not with him so my life with him is really all I know since I was a teenager. Everything is so different now and so so difficult. I have 2 small boys and even getting a schedule arranged for them doesn’t work. Every week he’s changed it because “he too upset to see them” or he think he’s been away from them for too long. I am trying to be more than fair by trying to spilt the time with the kids 50/50 but it’s still not good enough. I can’t plan anything as I never know when I’m going to have them.
I’m just really venting here tbh. I just can’t see how this is going to get any easier and I’ll never be happy again and this has all been a big mistake!

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi there,

It’s always harder at first, that’s one of the reasons so many of us stay with these men. On top of dealing with a complete life change suddenly going from being a family to a single person, you have to face the trauma of what happened, the pain, mourning, sadness, loss, depression, often PTSD and a lot of practical issues such as what you are experiencing, financial difficulties, sometimes physical and mental illnesses too brought on by the abuse and stress of it all. It is extremely tough.

However, as many of the ladies who have been free from their exes for a while say, it does get better. There is a lot of practical and emotional turmoil to go through at first. Do you have a support network? It sounds like it would help if you got the practical elements of the child access sorted out so it works better for you. Do you have anyone who could mediate? It might help to write it all down and then create a list of things you can do to help. Give the helpline a ring too as they are always great and totally get it. You could also look into getting an outreach worker with your local service, I had one and she was brilliant.

Then in time, you will adjust to your new routine and on top of that, will be abuse-free. The benefits of being free of these men start to appear fairly quickly, such as increased freedom and reduced stress, a clearer head and more choices. If you can get through these early days I am certain things will improve.

[Mummyboo]

Thanks for your reply SunshineRainFlower.

I think some of my heartache is because he is so so sad. He keeps saying things like “You’ve destroyed my life” “I will love you forever”. If I ever say that anything he says is manipulative he gets very hurt and can’t understand why I can’t believe that he is telling the truth. So what if he is telling the truth and I am just being heartless to someone who loves me. I should be grateful that he hasn’t given up on me, when I have been so horrible to him.

[SunshineRainflower]

Did you write down a list of all of the abuse? I got confused a lot too initially and occasionally still do. When this happens I either read the 12 page document of all of the abuses he did, or ring someone up I trust and get them to confirm that my ex was abusive and that I wasn’t imagining things. The list is the most helpful as it is there in black and white and brings me back to reality.

I recommend you give it a try as it should help you feel clearer about the reality of the situation, about who he is and why you had to leave. Then read it whenever you feel doubtful and confused. Once I started writing mine it all flowed out and was a big step in helping me to leave and stay away from him (my ex also used to tell me he was heartbroken, he missed me, was ‘worried’ about me, all after threatening me and being scary, hostile and aggressive.) They do this a lot, it is a speciality of abusers to switch about their behaviour leaving us confused and blaming ourselves. Fear, Obligation and Guilt. They love to portray themselves as the victim, act like children and appeal to our empathy before turning around and being abusive as soon as we are back under their control.

[lover of no contact]

Mummyboo,

The contact with him will prevent you getting over him. You need No Contact from him to feel better. This sounds extreme but its worth the extra effort. Don’t read his texts. Get a family member or friend to read his texts and anything that doesn’t pertain to practical arrangements or information to do with your 2 boys anything else…you don’t need to know.

Prevent ‘his pity-party pleas’ from getting into your head. His words are dragging you down.

He still wants contact with you and he is getting it. This is what he wants. With contact he can continue to exert control even if you’re not living together.

Block and delete, 2 essential tactics that are essential for our peace of mind when dealing with abusers.

[Confused123]

hey hun

in terms of the mess about with the contact i would reduce then till his more stable, to once a week, if he misses make him wait till next week, my ex messed me and kids about a lot too by not turning up, its horrible as ids get worked up about seeing them and then disappointed as doesnt turn up, kids need routine, i had to explain x day was his day and it was out of my control if he turned up or not.

[Author]

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