Does it ever get easier?

[SummertimeFoxgloves]

I was in an abusive relationship which included verbal and emotional abuse, as well as controlling behaviour. His temper was unpredictable and scary. He would often get angry and scream over small things or give me the silent treatment for no apparent reason which lasted days on end. I left him when our daughter was young to protect her from his behaviour. However, a few years later, I still feel incredibly anxious around him, and he still seems to have power over me. He was and is still very manipulative and I find myself having to second guess everything he says and does. As we now both have court ordered custody of our daughter, I am unable to cut ties with him completely. I worry about our daughter and her future with him. I feel regret for leaving the relationship as I am not there to protect her from his behaviour when she spends time with him. Although I have not witnessed any aggression from him towards our daughter, I still feel I have left her in a vulnerable situation, and I feel incredibly guilty because of this. This has really affected my mental health. I have had counselling and learnt how to deal with panic attacks in the moment, but my questions are more longer term. Is he always going to have this hold over me whilst our daughter is growing up? If anyone has been though a similar thing, does It ever get easier?

[maddog]

I just pm’d you and didn’t read your post properly. The 2nd person I referred to still may be useful.

He will continue to do anything to hurt you and your daughter. It’s really important to keep any contact with your ex in writing. I can’t remember the name of the app people use.

It’s such a difficult position to be in. My children are thinking they’re more grown up than they are, which kicks off a whole new set of problems. At least the ex is well out of the way.

As your daughter grows and develops, she’ll start making observations and ultimately make up her own mind. The only thing we can do as the protective parent is keep ourselves as sane as possible, keep reaching out, keep recognising that we’re not alone, and keep a record of any incidents. It’s not an easy ride. I understand from my older friends that being a parent just isn’t, especially when we care about our children.
x

[Fallingleaves]

Hi SummertimeFoxgloves

I feel similarly still anxious around my ex of a few years and he definitely still has control of my emotions sometimes. Old habits die hard as they say! Try not to be too hard on yourself, I bet you deal with them better than you have in the past even if it doesn’t feel like it in the moment.
I find it so hard sometimes, like it feels like I’m still in the relationship. Therapy has massively helped me to start to be able to notice my emotions without judging myself.
I feel similarly about my 2 young children, and although he is caring towards them I know they will see his behaviour towards other people and be on the end of it at some point when they’re older I’m sure. I also feel guilty about that BUT we’re still in a much better position to teach them how to deal with notice and deal with abusive behaviour, and remember just by being separated from him that they won’t have to see you be IN the abusive situation, which would have far more of an affect. I try to (without directing it at their dad or naming him) model and teach them what is and isn’t caring/kind/abusive etc so that they will be able to recognise and hopefully deal with it if they have to.
It’s so hard not to feel guilty with children involved but you’ve already done the best thing for them by removing yourself from the situation and trying to look after your own mental health. X

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