Does it ever go away?

This topic contains 14 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by Profile photo of Mixedup Mixedup 2 weeks, 3 days ago.

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  • #45068
    Profile photo of Mixedup Mixedup 
    Participant

    My ex was only violent twice. The first he spat on me, twice, knocked me to ground, slapped me, and then kicked me. The second he tried to physically push me out the house, I had his fingerprints bruised into my skin.
    It’s been (detail removed by Moderator) since the very last incident. I am uncomfortable, bordering on panic when people stand behind me. I can’t sit with someone behind me. The thought of sexual intimacy makes me physically throw up. The idea of actually laying down with someone (other than my kids) just plain freaks me out.
    Is that normal? Will it ever go away?
    I understand that my issue isn’t so much the violence, as it is the loss of trust, the betrayal.(I wish he’d cheated on me!) I trusted him more than anyone, I moved to be with him, so we could be a closer family- and this is what it’s come to.
    But I want to know?
    Does it get easier? How long does it take? How do I get through/ past this?

  • #45072
    Profile photo of KIP. KIP. 
    Participant

    Yes it does get easier with no contact and time. Councelling is important too. A good councellor with experience of domestic abuse. There are ways of going no contact even with children. A third party drop off and pick up. A contact book etc. I would say your issue is very much with the violence, thats why youre body is on high alert. Yes, the feelings of not wanting to be intimate with anyone is very normal and understandable. Youve been through a terrible trauma. These feelings will pass but it takes time for your brain to sort through the trauma. Thats why no contact is so important for healing and moving on. You dont want him in your life reminding you of his violence.

  • #45115
    Profile photo of Mixedup Mixedup 
    Participant

    I don’t feel like at this stage I can actually get away with no contact. I’m not even 100% sure I want to if I’m honest. I guess even though I’ve accepted that it’s over, I’ve accepted that we will never get back together. Not seeing him is harder.
    I don’t understand why I feel this way.
    I feel so much relief when I don’t hear from me, so much happiness. Me and tHe kids are so happy and joyful and then the mention of him just sobers us up.
    Today we been swimming, to the cinema, had a fantastic day. Then my (detail removed by moderator) year old says about phoning daddy at bedtime, because we use to call him every night (but we had couple nights where there was no answer so I said he needs to call at bedtime. He hasn’t since I said that.
    I feel like a fraud for still feeling like this, I’ve accepted that it’s my fault. I’ve accepted that if I said something about his drinking years ago then I wouldn’t be in this position now.
    Now I just want to move forward, I just want to heal and be ok.

  • #45210
    Profile photo of sensitive sensitive 
    Participant

    Mixedup I believe it’s harder if you have kids together.
    My ex partner was physically abusive just once but it still left a big wound in my heart. I still miss him, I still see him kissing me but at the same time I know it’s just my imagination and he is not a good man. I’m constantly checking him on social media, I have even created another account … this is so sick.
    I don’t know how to deal with that!!!
    I removed his number but if I want I know where to find it.
    And the same as you I just want to move on and be ok …
    You are not alone my dear!!! At least you have you kids with you, my child is with my parents now because I was not able to look after her 🙁

  • #45221
    Profile photo of Mixedup Mixedup 
    Participant

    I can’t imagine how hard that must be. I look at my children, and it hurts cause I see the best of him in them. But then it helps make stronger cause I don’t want my boys to turn into men like him you know? I want them to be able to have healthy relationships.
    I can’t imagine losing them all, but you could her her back right?
    There are some minutes I feel like it’s all a dream, like its someone else’s life. How did I go so long and not see what was happening? Did I not look?
    How do I keep going and stay strong? Am so scared I will take him back, and it will just be the same, or worse.

  • #45224
    Profile photo of KIP. KIP. 
    Participant

    Hey there. I think at the moment you are missing what was your ‘normal’. As human beings we crave what’s become normal to us. Even if it puts us in danger and it’s dysfunctional. I wish I could fast forward past the next year for you. I made the mistake of thinking he would be rational and reasonable and put his child first. Didn’t happen. Your partner is already showing his lack of care for his children. Preferring to get one up on you by not calling them, knowing this will hurt and worry you. One day the penny will drop that he is a nasty, self serving individual who would not think twice about using his children for his own means. They have no empathy whatsoever. I was told all this about my husband but I kept waiting for him to become reasonable again like in the past. Until I reaslised in the past he only became reasonable when he got his own way. And since I was never taking him back, the gates of hell opened.

  • #45228
    Profile photo of Mixedup Mixedup 
    Participant

    Logically I see your right, but then I go and look at my kids and think there half you why are you not wanting that. I feel like he switches it on and off. I mean what kind of parent tells a (detail removed by Moderator) year old that he will get them a phone.
    And it’s excuse after excuse and doesn’t. Why even say it in the first place.
    I’m so tired of all this drama. (detail removed by Moderator) there’s still so much drama. Now he’s given me money once for the kids and he’s saying ‘I’m helping you out. Remember last month when I asked you to help me out and you didn’t.’
    What on earth? It’s ridiculous. For once I’d like some responsibility, some ownership. I’m tired of my own see-sawing emotions, why can’t I just let it go?
    Why can’t I just let him go?
    I’ve got the physical distance, but nothing else seems to be following that.
    I feel like I’m still being pulled around by him,

  • #67603
    Profile photo of Mixedup Mixedup 
    Participant

    I havent wrote on this in over a year, havent felt the need to. Not even sure how to use this forum now. Where do i even write? Whih topic? Is there any point? I thought things were getting better, the odd arguement disagreement whatever over child visitation. The demeaning remarks, the lack of ever giving me money for the kids just figured whatever. Now its reached a head, and he grabbed my arm during another one of these disagreement this time cause my youngest son didnt want to stay with him. I panicked told him not to ever touch me in anger again. Lots of swearin again, im a mess and screwed up (his words and i guess maybe mine too). Now im back where i was last year, i had a panic attack at work (Detail removed by Moderator) (now all i keep thinking is how am i any different to him?) Logically i get the differenced, emotionally i do not.
    Now i wonder do i ever really escape? Was i ever really free? Nothings changed. Im still a coward with no real idea of how to deal with the situation?
    Instead im a single mum to two kids, whom im likely mentally screwin up even as i try not to with absolutely no clue as to what im doing. I just want things to be easier, i want to know that im doing the right thing for my kids and not just guess at it.
    I want to be able to hear my own voice in my head.
    Its been a year, i mean at least me and the kids arent homeless, we’re not sleeping on someones sofa and we’re not living with my ex’s mum wondering what shes telling him next. I guess theres a plus. Small things, i try to remind myself of the small steps ive accomplished for my kids and me bur they arent enough now.

  • #67605
    Profile photo of KIP. KIP. 
    Participant

    Time to reach out for help. Well done for posting on here. That’s a good first step. Did you ever have any good counselling? It sounds like you could have PTSD. Any contact with your abuser is toxic. It’s triggering. You have the right never to see him again. Or have any direct contact. To feel safe and have peace in your life. Do you have a contact order through the court? Hi things began to change for me mentally when I took back the control. You can decide not to see him. To have a contact order. To have a contact book that goes with the children. To have a court order in place. He’s enjoying seeing you distressed and causing problems for you. If he cannot contact you then he cannot see the distress he causes. Ring Rights for Women for free legal advice. Most solicitors offer free half hour consultation and your local women’s aid can support you through this.

  • #67606
    Profile photo of  Anonymous

    It is time to make this stop. You’ve tried to have with child contact it’s not working and won’t serve your children well. My little girl was bed wetting,having panic attacks she saw a counsellor and told her she had thought of harming herself all down to contact with an emotional abuser. She witnessed him throw objects at me, tailing me in the car with her in it. It had to stop and it did. I honestly believe in no contact it is the best way especially for the kids sake. We take kids from mothers who wont leavd abusers i tjink in timd thd law will turn thix arojnd holx these men accountable 💕 💕 DIY read 19 child homicides that broke me but I realised I wasn’t going to put my at risk x*x

  • #67607
    Profile photo of  Anonymous

    Sorry tons of typos this time xx

  • #67608
    Profile photo of Iwantmeback Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    Hello mixedup, i am in tears reading this, literally breaking my heart.
    I’ve not left my OH and reading your first post i think you’ve explained exactly why. I’ve been with him for so long, i can physically feel the pain of not seeing him, touching him, smelling him and I’ve not even left. It’s so blo.dy unfair to ourselves to still crave him. I remember telling myself that i actually felt addicted to him, he was like a drug to me. I’ve read those same words on here and other forums many many times since😢
    The other ladies are so right in saying you need to take control of this. He’s still pulling the strings. You’ve made the first step by posting on here. That is a huge step. I really can’t believe how strong i am since i first posted.
    You know what you have to do, you just need someone to hear you and to comfort you, we’ll do that for you and gladly.
    You can inform the police up to 2 years after abusive incidents, they’ve in creased the time limit as they now realise that it takes many women so long to report
    IWMB 💕💕 take care

  • #67630
    Profile photo of Mixedup Mixedup 
    Participant

    I left him in (Detail removed by Moderator), since then ive had a restraining order, which i decided not to file again, ive tried contact centres which didnt work because my kids always wanted to call me and were to clingy to really seperate easily. (Detail removed by Moderator) I dont know that i can do that again but i dont know a way out of it. In last (Detail removed by Moderator) weeks ive allowed my kids chance to speak to him (Detail removed by Moderator) and only reason i allowed him to see them (Detail removed by Moderator) is because it was just for a little bit. Hes ok with them when hes only got them for a couple hours- is that bad of me to think like that?
    I wish i knew that what i was doing was the right thing, but i dont, i did counselling. It worked so well. I thought it did. I could hear men shout and not panic or cry, i could sit with someone behind me, i could sleep through the night.
    Im struggling again now though, i dont know if its the violence i see at work (Detail removed by Moderator) ( i mean seriously (Detail removed by Moderator) shouldnt i be able to handle that- thats not normal right. Every bit as messed up as he says i am, thats how it makes me feel), or maybe its him grabbing me, touching me that way thats making me take so many steps back. It just feels so trivial, so stupid somehow. I cant get away from that.

  • #67633
    Profile photo of Iwantmeback Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    It sounds as if you are suffering from ptsd. Anything can and does trigger it unfortunately. He made you feel messed up, you yourself arent messed up. What’s messed up is another human being deliberately hurting someone just because they can. He’s Invaded your space, treating you like his possession. I hate when my oh grabs me, paws at me, behaves like an octopus. I can’t bear having sex with him, i make so many excuses. Thankfully he usually sighs and says looks like im not getting it the night then.
    You’ll find your way back out. We have to believe this. Others can and do stay away. One day it will be my turn and yours again too. 💜💜

    IWMB 💕💕

  • #67774
    Profile photo of Mixedup Mixedup 
    Participant

    I really hope so (for us both). I had another panic attack today, i was able to pull it together but not for long. Really messed up at work. My trigger is a violent (detail removed by moderator) year old at work. That feels really messed up to me that i cant tell the difference between a childs anger and a grown man.
    I mean what on earth? How do i move past that? Its such a mess. I wish i had the comfort of believing i am doing the right thing but i dont know that i believe that. I dont know that i have any faith in any decision i make. I mean at one point i loved him, now look at what the situation is? I tbought i had moved forwards, i thought me and my children had come through it now with these panic attacks im really starting to question that.

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