Does it ever stop?

[Neueranfang]

Hello everyone,
I have been out for just under two years now but ‘co parenting’ is impossible and my ex still causes a lot of distress daily really. I have to have him on block at all times and if I unblock him, he will bombard me with essays.Sometimes trying to get me back.Most of the time blaming me for breaking’the family’ up and calling me names.His mum messages me numerous times a day asking for our children to call their dad (detail removed by moderator).I don’t want to upset her as she is taking the kids to school for me (detail removed by moderator).Which is another problem.My ex moved back in with his mum after the break up.First he rented himself a flat but of course he couldn’t cope on his own.Dropping the kids to her in the morning causes my children and myself a lot of stress as we never know if he is there or at work and once he screamed abuse at me out of the window.My children get out of the car a few meters before the house and I drive off as soon as they are in as we are scared he might cause a scene.He also doesn’t really help with bringing our children up.He doesn’t pay maintenance.I applied for maintenance but (detail removed by moderator).The kids have never stayed with him over night as he would be too worried about what I am doing if they are not with me.He never makes plans to have them.It is always last minute, so I can’t make plans and move on with my life.He is still in control.The other thing is,our children’s school (detail removed by moderator) So when I pick them up, I am anxious that I might bump into him.He has caused scenes in front of the school before and has shouted horrific names at me in front of other parents.They were mortified and as a result the parents discriminate against my children.I told a couple of parents about him and about my situation but I can’t tell everyone.I just want to be left alone and move on with my life.

[Twisted Sister]

Hello Nueuranfang

yes, what you say is true of any of us women with an abusive ex, that its not possible to co-parent, as, like you have found out, they don’t ‘co’ anything, they don’t take responsibility. They don’t even necessarily want children, but will frequently use them as a means to hit really hard at their mum, purely because they know that this is the easiest and most effective devastating weapon they have against a mother, is targetting the children.

He’s also done what most do which is to eradicate your boundaries, so much that you find it also impossible to stick to your boundaries, so that he realises you will not be messed about by him, and that arrangements over children are not opportunities for you to have contact with him, but merely a means to a end for the children.

Block him, and stick to it. Have you or any others ever reported him for his abuses privately or in public? You don’t have to speak to someone ever again who abuses you, you issue a warning and then cut them out of your life. If he abuses the children, he gets a warning and then he is cut out of their life too. He has no rights to abuse you or your children.

The govt agency should be forcing him to pay maintenance for all his children, they deserve this money, but many mothers don’t claim it because of the added distress and risks often posed by trying to claim it.

Speak to the school about pick up plans, you can either go in early to get them before the gates open, or after others have left, and to make sure that he can’t collect them.

Offer a date, that fits with you and your children, and if there’s no reply then the date is lost. Offer another date a week later, and if there’s no answer in time for you to plan around it, then book it out for something else. Don’t give him the opportunity to mess you around, just state, sorry, I didn’t hear back so we’re now doing something else, and that ‘something else’ can also be a family movie and food at home, or a night catching up on homework, or other project together. Show your children that your lives matter, and that your plans should be respected by others, show them that being abusive and pushing people around doesn’t get the abuser anywhere and that people ignore abusers and that they get into trouble with the police if they won’t listen. Your children need to know how to assert boundaries and protect themselves.

Are they all happy to go to him, or is it an assumption that they have to whether they want to or not?

It doesn’t really sound like they are wanted by him.

All of this is incredibly difficult for you, not to mention exhausting trying to dance to your abusers tune all the time, so it needs to stop, or you will completely exhaust yourself, andyour children need you to have energy to give, and to all be happy as a family with some consistencies in their lives.

warmest wishes

ts

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