28th May 2021 at 2:15 pm #126421AngeldustParticipant
I am new to the group, and not sure how I go about committing my story to text.
I broke free from a controlling manipulative man last (detail removed by moderator). That is where my problems began. Unfortunately, he was helping me (detail removed by moderator) (although we had planned that I would pay him for his work once finished, he wasn’t doing it for free). He controlled every aspect of the build, constantly undermining my decisions and criticising me, making me feel that I was incapable of doing anything meaningful. I allowed him to put me in a position of being totally dependent on him. (detail removed by moderator) down the line and still the work was not done. When I finally moved out of his place, I moved into my house, in (detail removed by moderator), it is still incomplete and am camping (going through winter without heating was a challenge I embraced with positivity because it meant my freedom!). The police had initially been involved because he had locked me in his house during an argument, and I wanted to understand my rights. He also called them accusing me of coercive behaviour, and demanding that they (detail removed by moderator) (which he had no evidence of other than his own ideas of why “I was broken” and couldn’t behave the way he wanted me to). This triggered the police to contact me and said that I needed to make a statement, when I refused they said they would arrest him anyway. I was scared of the consequences of the police being involved, so panicked and gave a statement, trying to defuse the severity of the situation. They assigned a policeman to look into things, who had conversations with both my ex and me. Eventually though, my ex seemed to convince the policeman that I was bonkers and he would be able to sort this all out. The case was dropped and I never even heard that from the police but from my ex. Unfortunately, I allowed him back into my life, he insisted that he wanted to (detail removed by moderator), I stupidly agreed, feeling empathy for him because he wanted to see it through. Despite agreeing purely on a business arrangement, he used the opportunity to put pressure on me, staking a claim to my house, and saying that if I didn’t marry him, he would take my house away from me (in addition to (detail removed by moderator) his take on everything he has about me to the world, so that no-one would ever go near me), and pay me what he felt I was due. I had trapped myself, despite everyone telling me to change the locks and shut him out completely! He managed to play me perfectly.
Despite creating an argument with me almost every day, he would always leave, giving me the breathing space to reset and embrace myself for the next day. Until recently when he stayed the night despite my protests. When I suggested calling the police he reminded me that they would laugh at me again, as they had done before. He was right I felt so disempowered. I could see no way out and had no control over what he did.
We finally had a massive row again (detail removed by moderator) ago, he refused to leave the house, so I went to my neighbours. Taking the control away from him led him to eventually leave, but he made it clear he would be back the following day. I texted him stressing that I would not let him in and he needed to cool off, but he came anywyay. In a twisted way he gave me the chance I needed. I refused to open the door to him, but he forced his way him, breaking the door in. He had his (detail removed by moderator) with him, he had no intention of leaving! I called the police, and at first they just dismissed me saying they can’t just send police out on a whim, despite my protests. I was so upset and hung up on them, but it luckily triggered them to come out and my ex was escorted off the property.
I have sent him several emails since to suggest that we settle this amicably but he refuses to come and collect his things, convinced still that he is going to work on our relationship and on the house, and basically told me I have to decide whether I let him (detail removed by moderator) or he spends the time preparing for a court battle!.
I have spoken to solicitors and they say the best way to deal with this is through a mediator, but as he repeatedly reminded me, he is out to destroy me, so he is only going to go down the court route. This will do the most damage of course, as I will be forced to sell the house to pay for the court/solicitor fees to save my house! All my savings have been put into the house, except the money I have been setting aside to pay him. How ironic!.
Its a big game to him! Everything I commit to email he manages even to manipulate these words to his advantage to strengthen his case against me.
Do I really have to lose everything, just to be free of him! In a way that’s what he wants, so he wins either way!. He can’t tell me how much money he wants to settle what he thinks I owe him, because it has never been about the money, it has been about controlling me. He made it clear he will never be out of my life! I have no idea what to do. I have no idea how to play this game of his, he outsmarts me at every move.
I guess I am not expecting a response to this, I just need to commit it to text
28th May 2021 at 6:02 pm #126435ISOPeaceParticipant
Hi Angeldust, it sounds like you have pretty good understanding of what’s going on. Usually people start off on here trying to make sense of what has happened. You are absolutely right that it’s all about control to him.
I would recommend trying another solicitor. Women’s Aid doesn’t recommend mediation when there’s abuse. At worst he could use it to intimidate you and control you even more; at best you’re having to be in contact with somebody who will bring up traumatic feelings for you.
I would explain to a solicitor what you’ve said here – that he just wants to destroy you and you don’t know how to play his game. Hopefully when you find the right solicitor you’ll get a sense of confidence in how they approach the issue.
I expect others on here will have some similar experience. If you don’t get other replies it might be worth posting again with a title that asks for advice. Sending love xxxx
8th June 2021 at 3:26 am #126843AngeldustParticipant
Thank you so much for your post. I hadn’t appreciated the importance of selecting the right solicitor who understood the nuances of the situations and the anticipated behaviour of my ex. Just in the few email exchanges with my ex has made the complexity of this a reality. I had done what the solicitor advised, but my ex’s response was nothing related to my email, each time he just laid out the “evidence” he has in preparation for the court case, demanding information from me. It has been hard to fight the need to defend myself in my reply, but I guess defending myself is what he wants. I have so far just stuck to repeating my original email. I have an appointment booked with a different solicitor, my first questions are going to be to establish their understanding of cases like this. I will follow your advice and post again asking for advice. Thank you again.
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