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I feel like I’m in limbo….
After brewing over his treatment of my daughter I couldn’t hold it in anymore. I couldn’t pretend that what he was doing was ok – abusing me is one thing, but starting the cycle of abuse on my daughter was not something i would tolerate.
He’d been grumpy all weekend and (date removed by moderator) night he decided to start on me. I asked him for the truth about the dog incident and he was unabashed when he admitted it. I asked him if he didnt think that what he had done was cruel – he wouldn’t accept that, just gave me excuses and said that he would apologise. He said that he feels that i haven’t been happy with him for a long time – and instead of denying it as i normally would i told him that he was right – Im not and haven’t been happy for a very long time.
I gave him examples, never using the words control or abuse, and he denied them or told me to ignore him when he’s being like that – as if it was that easy! In the end he couldn’t deny it all or tell me Im wrong so he just went silent – and he hasn’t spoken to me since! Ok – one or two sentences here when the kids were about, but thats it for (detail removed by moderator) days. Normally i would have had an email from him telling me why he was right and i was wrong – but so far not a thing. I don’t think he’s realised up until now that I’m stronger then he thought i was and that i have given up.
The thing is, that i feel guilty for causing him pain, even after all that he has done to me. I don’t want to change the empathic person that i am just because of what he has done. The fact that he can’t even say to me that he’s sorry and will do anything he can to fix it – shows me that he is probably more concerned with the fact that he has lost control. Its hard because I’ve always thought that he was unaware of what he was doing – maybe i was wrong about that?
We haven’t said the words ‘its over’ but thats what it feels like and i feel such a mixed bag of emotions. I feel desperately sad, despite the bad things we did have good times and i always believed that he was my soul mate. I feel guilty as he seems so upset – but then there are times when it seems that he is brooding and angry rather then upset – maybe the mask slips. I don’t want to hurt him but it had to be said and for once i have to think of myself and my babies first. Im scared – not of him but of actually saying the words and of it being actually over – how do we divide our stuff up, sort out custody of the kids, where would he live etc etc.
Im so scared and confused and heartbroken x*x
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And to add….I was working late last night and when i came in he was mega moody – i was told by a family member that he had been in a very good mood until i came home – which tells me more that he’s playing on my emotions and that i need to stay strong and not allow myself to be manipulated x
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They are Oscar winning actors and manipulators. I felt like you did after telling him how he made me feel. He would twist and leave me feeling like I’d hurt him dreadfully. Then he would fall asleep, snoring, sleeping like a baby while I lay awake all night filled with anxiety and shame. And I had done nothing wrong! Do not engage with him. Once you are out of the dysfunction, you will see how terrible he is x
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Thank you KIP. I need to be able to come on here and get the advice and experience of people who know what i am going through. Im not going to engage with him, he knows me better the anyone else and so he also knows that i would be hurting at the thought of him hurting. I won’t let him get the better of me. Somehow i need to stay strong. Ive been focusing on his treatment of my daughter and how she must have felt and that is keeping me from caving.
Hugs xx
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Dear timetomoveon, our situations sound so very similar. It’s awful when you realise that you just cannot love the man you thought was your soulmate anymore because he turned out to be a controlling bully. It’s my children who have kept me here so long so I understand how you feel. I am scared too – he is sad and sorry but it has taken nearly (detail removed by moderator)months for him to finally see the effect of his behaviour. I cannot love a man like that anymore. I am sending you a hug – let’s keep strong and visualise a better life xx
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Oh timetomoveon. Really really feel for you. After going through emotional hell of a rollercoaster I have come to the end of the road and really because of my children. Looking at them and knowing I’m their line of defence against the world is the only thing that has and is giving me the strength to move through this. I’m facing losing our home right now, the enormity of the uncertainty ahead is utterly overwhelming at times. A few days ago I thought I was calmly in control and optimistic that I could have another life. Now though the pain of thinking he is upset and hurting and the lost promise of the life we were supposed to have is extremely hard. Feels like walking through treacle and no idea which direction to go in to get away from these feelings. The guilt I feel at the hurt he is going through despite what I know he is capable of is dreadful. I also find it mindbendingly hard to think that he is intentionally like this. There are so many excuses, reasons or conflicting accounts that he throws at me when I explain what the problems are. I’ve convinced myself again and again I am the problem but when u look at the cold bare facts the things he was doing are just plain and simply wrong. This he admits, says he’s getting help, they are suppressed at the moment but bubble away under the surface waiting to erupt. I know and I think you do too that it’s no way to live, awaiting the next eruption that’s beyond your control. It’s just heartbreakingly, destroying lily difficult to accept that the love of your life can be so twisted and messed up that he is possibly beyond repair. That no matter what he says he may just be incapable of being the good version of him without the monster that comes out. Sending you huge hugs. Xxxx
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Their minimising the impact of their actions is so damaging. A morally healthy person is very aware of the impact their actions can have on others, and strives to behave in ways that avoids hurting others. Abusers can be actively cruel, or withhold responsibility or neglect their families in such a way that their families are very much affected.
You can’t get anywhere with an abuser and end up a mess because of their refusal to accept the above.
You don’t need to change into an unempathetic person. But you maybe need to show more empathy towards yourself, and it’s hard as we are caring, but we must try to encourage our abusers to take personal responsibility. Sometimes, our kindness and our forgiving nature enables abuse to continue. X
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