Does Leaving Make me the Bad One?

[Golden rose]

I think I may finally be getting out of the denial stage where I justify his outbursts with what I may have done to trigger them and downplaying things as “not so bad” to avoid seeing reality. It feels good but scary.

For context, this post is my situation: https://survivorsforum.womensaid.org.uk/forums/topic/finally-opening-up-need-support/

Im not feeling optimistic about the future anymore, and the hope that he might change is dwindling slowly.

I feel like running away and never coming back, but I’m afraid that is cowardly of me. We have a business together, and I feel the responsible thing to do would be to formally end it and close things down and then go. I feel like running now would be putting unfair pressure on him to take care of all that (after all – I did take on the responsibility of running a business with him).

But I fear the process of closing it down. I’m afraid of the extended amount of time it would require me to be around him, having so many huge decisions that each have so much potential for a fight and to receive verbal abuse. Time for things to get really messy. I keep thinking, well of course in a normal business relationship situation, running away would be unacceptable, but then again I think – in our personal situation, the way he’s treated me is completely unacceptable.

I have no idea what to think and feeling incredibly lost. I don’t know what is fair.

[Lisa]

Hi Golden rose,

I’m sorry you are struggling and feeling lost at the moment. You are at a delicate stage of realising and understanding your partner’s behaviour as abusive and that he very likely will not change. It doesn’t help matters either, when you find that his overall mood seems better lately, which leaves you feeling ‘guilty’ or having ‘overacted’ to his previous behaviour. Often we know this change in behaviour by perpetrators to be quite purposeful, as it makes you doubt yourself and then stops you from having the clarity and confidence to take action.
Running and owning a business with him, no doubt adds more pressure on you when considering leaving. It may be useful to talk these concerns through in more detail with your local domestic abuse service. Free legal advice service Rights of Women may be useful too.
Ultimately try and focus on your needs in all this and prioritise them. Trust your gut on what you feel needs to happen and get as much support as you can along the way.

Lisa

[Ariadne]

Hi, Golden Rose

Gawsh, this is a difficult situation, and I can’t imagine what it is like to also have a business together with your abusive partner. But I do know what is like to feel guilty after leaving… I don’t know if I have still fully recovered from that, even though it was my choice, and what I consider the right choice. The guilt still remains.

Here’s the thing – you are doing this to protect you because of HIS abuse. Whatever consequences come of it… well, they were a result of his actions. He may not understand it, and he will probably blame you and make you feel even more guilty. But you don’t have to endure that, in fact, by leaving you can cut all contact and let that go.
I’m not saying you shouldn’t do what you can to minimise whatever brunt of you leaving might have, and in this I refer specifically to any legal side of the business part, etc.
But imagine yourself on the other side of this. Imagine what happiness looks like to you. What is success in a relationship to you. What it is like feeling loved. You have nothing to apologise for for wanting that.

Take care of yourself <3

[Author]

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