• This topic has 8 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 8 years ago by KIP..
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    • #11826

      Hey, haven’t been on for a little while as came to the “critical stage” but I can finally say I am out! House is a work in progress but we can make our own decisions while fixing it up, freedom is priceless.

      Within minutes of leaving I was getting texts TELLING me to bring back certain things he paid for (and never used, although I used them daily) and TELLING me to remember that he wants the kids at such a time on such a day. I didn’t reply 😮
      I did tell the kids it was their choice and I support their decisions, eldest may go, but is busy at that time so will go when she wants to, youngest doesn’t want to go, worrying about his reaction.
      So many things to still sort out, I know really I’ve done the best thing for me and gone with the best out of two sad situations for kids, but it’s so hard! I’ve asked gp to refer me back to counselling and am going to look into getting some help for kids too, we will get there! Thanks everyone for some very wise words that stopped me from potentially making things worse xx

    • #11828

      Congratulations! Well done! You are a hero!
      Best of luck with fixing up your new place!
      Stay strong and keep ignoring him!
      If you miss him or become weak remember all the horrible things he has done to you.
      Write down why you left and keep it in your bedroom to read every morning so that you never want to go back.
      Get a support worker from WA to help you when he starts playing up regarding the kids. x*x

    • #11829
      mixed-up mum


      Didn’t know how things had gone – you were quiet and didn’t know if you were quite ready for it – only YOU know when you are ready…..

      Yes they soon show their true colours – trying to hang on to ‘what belongs to them’ – mainly just so YOU can’t have it – not cos they want or need it themselves – but they just don’t want YOU to have it.

      Well in the end I got to the stage where I was fed up of battling over the pots and pans and I just said – you know what – if you want it so much then just you keep it!!!!
      They may THINK they have won the ‘battle’ – but really YOU have – by not giving him the satisfaction of a fight!!!!!

      The thing is – its only things at the end of the day, and in time you will get all your own things again (I did) then when you have them they are YOURS forever – and he can’t take them away from you!!!!!

      You are doing the right thing by supporting your kids in whatever they choose to do – I always said to mine I would never MAKE them see their father, and I would never STOP them seeing him – it has to be their decision – to do what they want if/when they feel ready for it – and you just have to be there to pick up the pieces if/when it goes wrong…..

      And yes do accept any help you can get from anywhere.

      And don’t forget to take care of YOURSELF too!!

      Well done you on taking this first big step along the road to freedom – it feels BRILLIANT doesn’t it!!!! 🙂

      So happy for you – you are AMAZING!!!!

      Keep in touch and let us know how you are doing, always here for you.

      Take care,

      All the best in your new life,

      Luv M.U.M x*x

    • #11830
      mixed-up mum

      Mine just seemed to be so ‘grabbing’ – it was all ‘his’ and he wanted to be sure he kept ‘the best stuff’ for himself!!

      I was meant to be grateful for anything he’d give me – but you can be sure anything he was ‘letting me have’ was not in great shape, and had ‘seen better days’.

      He became so materialistic – wanting to hang on to eveything – it was things we’d bought together, and chosen together – but he didn’t want to share it, it was like he was hoarding stuff – not that he needed it or would use it but it was all “mine-mine-mine” with him – it was if he was protecting what he held most dear – his possessions – he got to keep the house, and he wanted to hold on to everything in it too!!!!!

      But when I gave up fighting and arguing for it, then it lost its ‘appeal’ – and evey now and then he’d ‘let me ‘ have something – like he was doing me a huge favour – and I should be forever grateful!!!!!

      It’s the ‘control thing’ again you see – he had the final say on what I could/couldn’t have!!!!!

    • #11840

      Thank you 💙 yes exactly, I don’t care about “stuff” I left pretty much all the furniture and started on the freebie sites on face book and charity shops for things we actually need. Just a big change from every other time I’ve said I would leave and he got upset, he was sorry, he loves me so much, anything I want that will fix things etc – now that I’ve actually gone his obsession with getting what HE wants has come straight out to play, no softening first.

      Thank you both for all your advice, yes the first night especially, we were exhausted from moving and I wavered a little: had I overreacted? I reread the texts sent to maintain control and I knew the answer, we’d be ok. I held my youngest as she cried herself to sleep that night (all the while saying she didn’t know why she’s upset, she hates him) it’s so sad but we’ll get over it. I’ll ring women’s aid today.

      No contact is so liberating isn’t it? He has received one message from me since I left, I can’t think of anything else I will need to say directly. It still feels very surreal but I’ll get used to it 🙂 x

    • #11841

      Ah I spoke too soon! Today’s messages are calm and questioning, wondering why? Hoping my resolve doesn’t break!

    • #11845
      Falling Skys

      Hi Red1

      Write down the negative things that he’s done and then when he’s being sweetness and light read them so you can remember what hes like in his full glory.

      You are doing so well keep it up.

      FS xx

    • #11848
      White Rose

      Hi Red I’m so pleased you’ve made it. Have fun setting up home with your children.
      He’s bound to turn nasty now it’s the only way he can continue to get at you. If it’s getting too much try to reduce or stop contact but with children it won’t be possible. I invested in a cheap PAYGO phone just for him. Told him my old one finally packed up. I also “changed” my number for a couple of our mutual friends too. It’s worked out about £2-3 a month and been worth every penny. The other bonus is that it’s a keypad for texts not a keyboard any answers I do give are short as it takes too long to type! I leave it at home so my life is mine and just check it once a day. Nothing is so urgent he needs instant access to me

    • #11869

      Red1. Well done. It’s a roller coaster ride but watch out for the change of tactics. He may start calm but as soon as he realises he’s not getting his own way. The mask will slip. Stay far away. Can you block his texts until you need to contact him? It can be done on your mobile? It makes life easier x

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