Domestic Abuse, Rape Myths & victim blaming

[maddog]

Something bad happened and I recently spoke to police about it. I’ve been victim blaming myself. I burdened myself with the responsibility of someone else’s bad behaviour.

What an unholy mess. The chaos and confusion I have caused myself on the abuser’s behalf is exponential.

Victim Blaming can make us feel safer in that bad things happen to other people. It’s so easy to blame ourselves for when bad things happen to us.

I’m really shocked that my belief system led me to doubt my own reality. Maybe a lightbulb moment in understanding a little more about how gaslighting works. The situation is still pretty grim, but at least now I know it wasn’t my fault.

I don’t know what will happen next although for now, it’s a huge relief that this is no longer my problem alone.

[Lisa]

Hi maddog,

It feels like this has been a big, important realisation for you. I’m glad that you can see you weren’t at fault and it’s not your problem alone. This sounds like a much stronger position to be in.

Belief systems can be a bit part of victim blaming mentality, something that still needs challenging a lot in society at large. As you say, it can give that safe feeling of being able to avoid bad things ourselves that we see happen to others. I think this can play out with self-blaming too as a way of trying to wrest some control in situations where our power has been taken away.

I really hope things are less grim for you soon and that feeling of not being alone in this grows and empowers you.

Take care and keep posting,
Lisa

[maddog]

I’ve found the smoking gun of gaslighting myself. At least it’s in writing that I have no memory of what happened. Then I lay into myself as though I was fully conscious. My body was available. Nothing else.

[Decagon]

Hi maddog,

Sadly, our bodies are available, when your abuser is next to you. Even when we “should” be safe, we are not.
I too was not aware of the inadvertant danger, as I believed – no, he wouldn’t? Would he?
It took many, many years before I truly acknowledged what had happened, the first time, I totally deleted it from conscious memory.

He took the simple word – no – from any situation. From the bedroom, it was the hardest place to understand, but it spread to all over areas.

Good luck, and take care. I hope you find peace with yourself.

[maddog]

I’m so sorry you’ve been through this too, Decagon.

Rape is so often prefixed by the word Brutal. When a case ever gets to court, the word Brutal is usually involved. Not groomed, or coercive, and never ever about the perpetrator’s history. They’re not cross examined in the same way as the witness about their previous relationships, their therapy sessions, their history. If the perpetrator had their phones looked at, the police would likely find a web of lies and deceit. It’s not an even playing field.

Rape doesn’t have to be a matter of brute force to be devastating.

Fun times ahead with STI kit. Police being slow (whatever next?)

There are lots of helping hands out there, and bit by bit, I’m articulating the support I need. I’d so like to be on the other side, supporting people who find life difficult but here I am.

[StrongLife]

I got blamed a lot. This blaming was instead of providing help ie any help like hotlines or safe housing. I just kept reporting what happened. I’m now believed by d v services but others not. It’s difficult to have this split as to whether I will be believed or not??? More education for society is needed. All aspects. I was stuck, living with abuser – so difficult to realise at first. 1 person provided hotline number to me otherwise I would have had to wait a bit longer. Still have issues that at that time that hotline number was not highly advertised. It’s more so now that most women have heard of it via tv/ social media. When I was leaving it was not. They need more advertising.

[Author]

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