Done it.

[1 non blonde]

I have finally done it and told him that I wanted to finish with him. That moment he demanded a divorce now, was angry but agreeing. Next morning he started a fight , attacking me verbally shouting abuse. Made me call a solicitor, start divorce proceedings and even paid the fixed fee for it. This morning, he broke down crying, sobbing , saying we cannot do this, he says those horrible insults when he is angry and clouded with hate.
All through these mood swings, I stood stoic, determined and calm.
I finally finished this psychological nightmare and I am relaxed. He is absolutely destroyed. And its not my fault.
I want to stay in our house with our child. I was already paying the mortgage alone with both our names on the house. He agreed to leave but with half of the house’s value.
I need very good advice on finances and I cannot afford a lawyer ( who can, right) I dont want to go down the route of abused woman because then it will be longer to get rid of him and I want to stay friendly for our kid’s sake. But I need affordable legal advice nevertheless.
Who can I call? Thank you , best of luck to anyone who is in worse situations …

[Beautifulday]

Well Done! Im so so happy that you found the courage to tell him its over , its a very courageous thing to do! With regards to your home im in a similar situation as I want to stay in the house but would need to buy him out, my solicitor told me I need to seek advice of a mortgage advisor, luckily I have a very good one who helped us buy the home initially , the solicitor said she needed to know definitely if its possible that I could buy him out as she can then list this as an option during divorce proceeding. If I can’t this is in then ruled out. Ive been paying more into house every month than him and although i know I could afford to live here on my own I know money would be tight. The mortgage advisor will need your last 3 payslips & p60 to be able to determine if its possible and dont forget if he wants buying out the house has to be valued the equity is then split in half so say the equity is 60k you need to find 30k to buy him out, you may well have this money or someone can borrow you this money if so that could be used. If not the mortgage advisor would have to remortgage the property adding on this 30k so say you have 60k owing on the property it would then be remortgaged for 90k the mortgage company would then pay him out. But this means your monthly payments are likely to increase so this is why you need to talk to a mortgage advisor to see if you’ll be able to afford it alone. My solicitor advised me to. Xx

[1 non blonde]

Hi ! Nice to meet you Beautifulday, thanks for this, yes I had similar advice from few friends. Yesterday afternoon he came to me crying and remorseful for all the pain he caused me ( maybe dawning of my seriousness) that he was so unfair to me and never really listen or self reflected on his abrasive behat.. is this hoovering..?.. Maybe. But i told him that we can live in this house as long as he is nice to me and when the time comes he has to leave. I will find that mortgage advisor soon .

[Camel]

Hi 1 non blonde

Your question comes up so often I just googled the law. I found this

How Are Assets Divided In Divorce?

As I suspected, the division of assets will not necessarily be 50/50, in spite of your partner’s demands.

You’re also assuming that your child will be in your sole custody following divorce.

Why do you believe that citing abuse will drag out proceedings? Or that not citing abuse will speed things up and guarantee that you can continue to live in the home with your child?

It’s actually good news for you that your husband paid the fee to start proceedings. It’s now on record that he agreed to it. He won’t be able to claim surprise and act at being the injured party.

Right now you’re feeling great, having stuck to your guns whilst watching him grovel. But believe me, abusers always fight dirty. Please don’t make the mistake of thinking an amicable divorce is possible and will guarantee you get what you want and deserve.

You don’t say what sort of abuse you’ve endured but if it includes financial abuse this can only be in your favour. Gather together the evidence – proof that you’ve been paying the mortgage alone and for how long, bank and credit card statements, pay slips, P60s, and so on.

You must seek out good legal advice from a divorce lawyer before you say or do anything further. Find one experienced in dealing with domestic abuse cases as even solicitors can be bullied. Yes, it will cost you, but probably not as much as you will lose without one in your corner. Try WA or citizens advice for referrals.

There’s also no doubt that your husband is hoovering you. And it’s already working. You’ve agreed he can share the home whilst he’s being nice. Have you considered how this will work in the long term? Will you continue to shop and cook and do his laundry? What happens when he stops being nice? When you engage a lawyer the first thing they need to address is a formal separation.

[1 non blonde]

Hi Camel
Thank you for the link. As you all know, a very big part of these issues is emotions and feelings. Although I have not one bit of love for him, I have to make it as easy as possible for him. I cannot have him mock me, call me a liar , snake, poor little abused wiman etc etc, because he doesn’t believe one moment that he was abusive to me. Because he is not beating me up black and blue, he thinks im exaggerating things. I am scared he will tell it like this to our friends and family. That i am a liar, he has not done anything wrong. I am just not strong enough to fight him emotionally anymore. So no, I will not bring the abusive card on the table.
But I will call those numbers on Rights of Women website.

[KIP.]

Please contact women’s aid. You need to plan a safe exit. This is the most dangerous time for you when you end a relationship with an abuser. Don’t waste your energy trying to be friendly because it’s impossible with an abusive person. Living together like this won’t work. As he continues to lose control his abuse will escalate. This is when many women are assaulted. I’d say either him or you need to move out ASAP. Ring rights of Women for free legal advice and most solicitors offer a free initial consultation so you can get several of those. Watch as he starts to abuse you in front of your child. This is child abuse and you can spare your child this be putting distance between you both. Read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. The gloves are off and he will be busy behind your back discrediting you with anyone who will listen. Do not trust him. Abusers are liars. Abusing a mother make him a terrible father so please be careful. Ring the national domestic abuse helpline for more advice and definitely contact your local women’s aid x

[KIP.]

Yes it’s hoovering. You will get every kind of Fake emotion From him until he finds the one that hooks you back in. They use fear, obligation and guilt. FOG of abuse. He will use your child and your family and finances and emotional blackmail and threats and pleads and eventually violence when none of these work. Please protect yourself and your child. Two women pee week in the UK are murdered by a partner or ex partner and that number has increased since lockdown x

[Wiseafter]

Agree with all advice above. Please please please get legal advice. This man is dangerous and manipulative. You will need support and help and also, be prepared for him to string it out to keep you in the game and maintain the hoovering for as long as possible. Do not agree to anything in terms of financial settlement without legal weight behind you otherwise you could end up losing everything. You may be eligible for legal aid which could be charged to your property so that when it is sold in the future, at that time you pay back your legal fees, with interest. When you speak to a lawyer tell them he is abusive and manipulative so that they know what you are dealing with. Wishing you all the best.

[Author]

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