Don’t feel like a survivor

[fizzylem]

It’s like cancer, you focus on getting rid of it, to get past it, no one tells you that you will always be in recovery, that the cancer goes but there are new wounds and ongoing pain. I know now after years of being out that he will always find ways to continue to abuse. It feels for me that there is no getting away from him ever. Our child will always bind us and this gives him power. Why can no one else see that he uses his PR for this sole purpose, never for anything that genuinely involves the care of our D, and that my D and me both have to suffer it. I’m unsure if I can go the distance. I have failed to protect my daughter as my hands have been tied behind my back. I’m fed up of feeling ill and being in recovery or back in the distress. Feeling desperate and hopeless. Need it to end.

[cupcakes]

Hi, I am sorry I have no real advice for you other than you are not alone, reading your post I could write it word for word however I have two small children. Our problem is that we are tied to them by the children and therefore there really is never a way of getting away from them fully. Its so bad that they can use the children to hurt us too, I wonder how they get away with it. I have been without my ex for some time now and still he hurts me and still he abuses me through the solicitors, courts or email and I hate it. I am sorry you are going through this too x

[fizzylem]

Thanks cupcakes, was touching to read your kind words. Thank you for reaching out to me, was needed this end. So sorry to read you are going through this nightmare as well. It’s completely heart wrenching and distressing isnt it. It does help to know and feel that we are all here for one another, its a real life line sometimes x*x

[KIP.]

I have learned to live with the result of years of abuse and I am slowly recovering. In the meantime my advice would be to have zero contact with him. To use third parties for hand over and a contact book that goes with the child. Solicitor or third party for negotiating or emergencies. Any contact whatsoever is toxic to us and while we have children with these men, yes there will always be a link, but by refusing to have direct contact you can minimise the hurt. You also show your children and the authorities how dangerous he is. Unfortunately many people confuse contact with ‘things can’t be that bad’. Also, when he cannot see the result of his abusing the child on you, he will get bored. Also, keep a diary of his actions. Write everything down. When you see a series of dysfunctional behaviour written down in order with the consequences written down too, it can be quite powerful evidence. You have a right to protect yourself from this kind of behaviour. There was a post on here about asaving yourself first. Then you have the energy to save your children.

[fizzylem]

Hi KIP, thanks to you too. Ive noticed that when I go no contact I feel much better, its when I feel I need to send him information re what were doing, like holidays or moving house (which is the hot topic atm), I am left feeling open and vulnerable and I worry about how he’ll react and what will he do. I cant afford to anger him at present, which no contact will do for sure, but I know I will anger him whatever I say sooner or later, I dread opening his mail and I put off sending anything this way. It really is the bare minimum of contact. (detail removed by Moderator) I really didnt see it coming and all it did was really was leave him feeling more powerful. It has not actually helped my D in any way at all, in fact it ruined her holiday, as I was too ill to take her (detail removed by Moderator); I also spent our spending money on the legal fees. As soon as I can I am going completely no contact, it is the only way to remove the stress.

You’ve made me think that I need to work on accepting he is in our lives, as wishing for something to take him away is wasted energy that only fuels the desperation and leaves me feeling enslaved. I do not want him invading my thoughts hey.

I do need to focus on all things healing and try to gain some health back, sadly, after years of this, my body and mind are giving up on me and my health has been pushed to the top of the list and thats just how it is, cant really do anything about that can I. I’ve been sinking again lately, it will pass again though won’t it, always does. I can be thankful for these breaks at least. Thanks for your thoughts, helped me no end x*x

[Ayanna]

Estrange her from her father! That’s the only way.
She needs to say that she does not want to see him.
She can write it in a letter too.

[Surviving]

I have learnt the hard way. You pay out thousands (detail removed by Moderator). He gets his way anyway.he admits he abused the children. He still gets his way. The children get a guardian to finally have their say. He still gets his way. I’ve learnt I can’t trust the services like cafcass because they are all for fathers rights no matter what they have done. Luckily my older children don’t have anything to do with him but he got shared care of the youngest so he still controls me with her. It hurts because he is not thinking of her or what she wants and needs. Just thinking of himself.
I thought women’s aid won a campaign and had the regulations for courts and cafcass to be more careful with contact now. M(detail removed by Moderator) the first part the cafcass added was all lies. The guardian even lied about something the kids said which is really sad as they we’re supposed to be there for the children.
We just need to find a way to try and take back a bit of control from the men. I have to be careful now because of cafcass lying. They made me so scared if fighting because They will place my youngest child in his care. They said I can’t facilitate contact yet he had the youngest everytime he asked. It was just thr older 2 was too scared to go with him so I stopped making them go

[fizzylem]

Thank you Surviving. I hear you. It confirms how I feel and what I imagine, on my own with it, with only emotional support available to me really. An on-going scource of stress. Really appreciate you telling me your story, it has helped to shape mine. Wishing you all good things x*x

[Serenity]

Hi Fizzylem,

I’m sorry to hear you’re still going through it.

I read a quote recently along the lines of : life threatens to beat us down every day, and every day we fight it and win.

These abusers are such noxious parasites, they can’t just go off and leave us alone. They get a sense of purpose in trying to upset us and our children.

Often, it’s just as we are beginning to feel calm and peaceful and begin to let our defences down that they will launch another attack ( covert or overt) and make us feel anxious all over again.

I think we need to be on the alert all the time unfortunately, and take action over and again to take our power back in whatever way we can- no direct contact, formalised contact so less need for discussion, professional advice, etc….

It’s a pain having to constantly do this, I know- and exhausting.

[fizzylem]

Thanks for your words S and reaching out. I need to move away and get his access less often but for longer, scary thought at times, but I think less contact would work for us both; then yes, keep intouch with my daughter when she’s with him and check she’s ok, and if not, whip her out and take the bullets again.

I’m hoping this distance will leave me feeling more able to cope with it when it happens, as it will happen less often for a start, we’ll get longer breaks, blocks of time where we’re free to be, (apart from when he attacks me directly or covertly of course). It will mean being on high alert and riding it out when she’s with him for sure, this won’t be easy, but at the end of the day if I dont feel comfortable I will act.

Think it would help me to emotionally break away from it all as well, breath in new air and life. Just got to make it happen now. Don’t imagine he will consent for one minute, unless it suits him for his own reasons. I have to get his consent to move schools as he landed me with a small PSO. Just awaiting his response x*x

[purplecat]

I am feeling the exact same guilt with my two. My ex was (Detail removed by moderator) but things went so much deeper than that and behind closed doors I was gaslighted. But no one sees that side of him, in fact he has gained sympathy from our shared friends and it feels so utterly unjust. I blame myself, I feel guilt and my kids father is now starting to attempt to gaslight my children. Telling them how if he hadn’t done what he did we would be homeless!! I want to build a wall so high he can’t touch me or them anymore but I am told that legally I have no stand. In fact my solicitor said ‘It wasn’t violent so you just have to get on with it, he is their father’. The blame and guilt I feel is overwhelming and I feel like I am failing in everything I do. The conditioning over time has become my reality and I tell myself, maybe he was right about me all along.
It’s like screaming into a black hole. I am sorry that you are experiencing this and I wish for an end to both our situations and some peace of mind

[fizzylem]

Purplecat, I know what you mean, I have had the odd thought what if he’s right and I am wrong. But we are not, we have seen how depraved and abusive these men are, how they manipulate everything and everyone, how they really treat our children, they are highly skilled at proejecting the right public persona and know exactly what to say. I dont know what the answer is, today I’m feeling desperate and trapped in it all again, I know I’m going to have to pick up the fight again at some point but for now I just want to sleep xx

[IrisAtwood]

This is such a long process and just when you think that you have made some progress another wave of pain, grief, regret and fear hits. I am sure that it is worse when you have children, but it is something common to all women trying to recover from this type of abuse.

I don’t know it helps to know that you are not alone. I hope it does, as it does me.

Keep reminding yourself that things will get better. My son is now in his (Detail removed by moderator) and I have not spoken or had any contact with my first abusive husband for almost (Detail removed by moderator) years.

[purplecat]

Can I ask you IrisAtwood what the biggest mental separation was for you? What helped you to build your emotional wall between your ex and you? I was being gaslighted for at least a decade, probably longer and I have only been divorced a short while. How long did it take you to recover and rebuild yourself?

[IrisAtwood]

I may not be a good example, because I escaped one abusive relationship and then had an ‘OK’ relationship before leaving and having another very abusive relationship that has recently ended.

I had as a little contact as possible from the beginning because I was able to get a third party to collect and return my son for contact. I refused to speak to him at all for several years, and then only had very brief conversations on the phone. It probably took five years and I was with him for over a decade. The wall also got more secure for me as I moved on in my work, made different friends, developed other interests and had another (less abusive but not great) marriage.

I’m really struggling to recover from my recent abusive relationship and am finding it much harder because I trauma bonded with him. This didn’t happen in my first marriage – I was coerced into marriage and was not attached in anyway way other than fear of being alone and being told that I would never survive alone. So this time is very different.

I’m sorry that I can’t be more helpful.

[purplecat]

That was very helpful. I am sorry to hear that you are struggling. It seems the same story I read all the time is the one that is abused is left to rebuild and that the trauma and experience affect them for such a long time. It is so unjust that the abusers seem to walk away unscathed.

[fizzylem]

Sounds dreadful Irisatwood, a long journey, makes me think I am better being alone, I couldnt go through this again, youve been so very brave to try. Hope you’re getting support. Trauma bonds are tough to break, I always felt I have to justify myself to him, I still slip now. No contact is best hey. What is it for you? What have you noticed that bonds you to him, and how you respond that keeps the abuse going?

[Rockandrolldreamscomethrough]

This is exactly how I’m feeling at the moment. The only thing that keeps me and my ex in contact is our daughter. I can’t just stop her from seeing him as he isn’t a bad father to her. It was always me he was horrible to. He is still managing to have control as he gives me money for her which I do rely on. Things are a lot better than when I was with him but it frustrates me that I will never ever be rid of him because we have a child together

[fizzylem]

Ditto, although he is an ok ish father most the time in the last year only, he is also inadequate and abusive the rest of the time in our case. Hang in there flower, we got each other. I know I am the victim of hate, but it seems to be that there is no one out there to protect me from it. I wish I had gone down the police route at the start as now it is too late (Detail removed by moderator), but at that time I was still delluded in my thinking, trying to work with him for my D.

How can it be that these men gettaway with hate and harming us in this way, leaves me feeling I cant take it anymore and that I dont want to live, only half the parent I can be, but thats ok, thats just how it is – it is not right.

When it comes down to it, all weve got is emotional support and that’s it really isn’t it.

[Author]

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