Don’t know how to get out

[anushka]

Our (detail removed by moderator) marriage has broken down, we just live under the same roof kind of ignoring each other. Whenever the subject of separation came up in the past, his angry response was ‘if you don’t like it you can f..k off’ – which I probably would have done by now, if we did not have two young kids. He started an argument today throwing his wedding ring at me, telling me that we are over, calling me names etc. – but I am not sure he means it because we never get to talk about the next step. I want to get out, I just don’t know how. I am intimidated to raise the subject, because we won’t be able to come to a conclusion, and will end in argument and shouting again. The last few weekends he took the kids out for the day and told me that I am not going. I said nothing just to avoid conflicts when the kids are around, the kids do love both of us. We recently moved to the area, I have no friends or family around. I was thinking of renting a place for me and take the kids, but I am unsure if this would be legal without his consent and what would be the consequences? Right now the tenancy contract is on both of our names, so I can’t kick him out. I can’t bare living any longer like this. I also considered filing for divorce and not telling him (to avoid arguments which lead to nothing), but I am petrified what his reaction will be when he is served the papers and we are still living in the same house. He is not physically, but verbally abusive. I am stuck and don’t know how to get out of this. Anyone had similar experience? Many thanks

[A.N.Onymous]

Hi anushka,

Firstly, I am so sorry you are in this situation and I am sure there will be many supportive people on here who have valuable information to help you out. In the meantime though, you could also contact your local women’s aid group. They have been an absolute godsend for me and have given me so much help.

It took me nearly (detail removed by Moderator) months to get out of my relationship so give yourself time and plan ahead. Just making the decision to leave in the first place is a massive step. I was tied into a tenancy agreement too, but there are ways out of them and you don’t have to do it alone. Women’s aid can probably guide you in the best way to go about it and give you any support you might need. There might also be other local groups that can help you out, so I’d check them (when its safe to do so – always make sure you clear your internet history). You can also call the helpline and they can give you guidance.

I hope this helps in some way and I hope you manage to get through this. Everyone on here is super supportive so if you keep directing your questions, I am sure you will get some answers.

[Confused123]

Hi Hun

Sorry to hear the situation u r in, these men tend to avoid the topic and ,make a big scene when we mention separation, call the help line and ask to be referred to agencies that can help you, you can also google local one on internet, call the women of right line, they are solicitors that give u free advice, you will have to get your name removed of tenancy, but do’nt stress too much about that, finding a place first seems best, get support and make a plan how to leave him, have u told any family or friends how he is treating you, start building a strong network around u, report to the gp how he is behaving and how it makes u feel trap, will be good to have logged on your file for later

[Freedomfighter]

Hi Anushka,
Sorry to hear you’re struggling and unhappy. Me too. We own our home, so a little different, but I was told I could get a court order to make him leave instead of me going. Like you my husband is mostly nonviolent, evidence is difficult to get but if you document dates, times, what was said etc that can be used as evidence. Also if any of your neighbors/ friends have witnessed any verbal abuse or controlling behaviour. But my GP has written a supportive letter saying he’s treating me for anxiety and depression which could be due to DV.
You can also get a letter from your local women’s aid group saying they’ve done a risk assessment on you. All this helps towards a divorce. They don’t serve the papers until you are safe, unless it’s to make him leave the home. The advice lines can help you with all this, they can give you advice on what you can do, but don’t pressure you. They also have free legal advice at drop in sessions and groups for support and numbers of organisations who can advise and help. Good luck

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