Dont know if I CAN do this…………

[mixed-up mum]

Not having a good day – my mind is in a spin – I’m miserable – tired and grumpy and have a sore head – and spending the whole day alone – so needed to chat…….

This charity fundraiser I said Id help at is on this weekend – and I’m having second thoughts – don’t know if I can go through with it – scared I’ll not cope – scared I’ll make mess of things and get it wrong – nothing I do turns out right I’m a disaster……

I’m just bit fed-up today for there is a big family event on this weekend that me and my children should have been at – but all of his side of the family will be there, and we’ve not seen or spoken to any of them since we left him – we were actually invited by the one member of the family who does still keep in contact with the kids and me – bit I just couldn’t face them all giving me daggers across the room all day – plus the fact it is 100s of miles away and we really didn’t have the money to go, would mean at the least a 3 day trip, and at least £300 to get there and back.

I’ve also had an invite to met up wit a friend I’ve known for 16 years, we don’t often see each other now, maybe once or twice a year – but when we do get together we have a lovely chat and she’s a very loving, caring person – she is on her own now too (well separated from her husband, but has a new boyfriend now) – and has teenage kids too – but I’ve not actually seen her for a whole year now and I’m really nervous about meeting up wit her again – I’ve become so used to hiding away and not seeing people – that I’m now very nervous when it comes to socialising with people. I want to go and see her for its SO NICE she has asked me – but stressing out over it already ….. I just find it easier to hide than be social…..

[Serenity]

Hi Mixed Up Mum,

It would be easy to hide away and feel safe, but then I suppose we become even more detached and scared.

At the same time, I know that if you push yourself too much feeling like you do, you can end up feeling worse.

Maybe there is a happy medium?

Meet your friend at the cosiest, comfiest cafe with the plumpest cushions, and relax and enjoy it as much as could be possible. Treat yourself to a lovely hot chocolate- like a cuddle in a cup! She sounds very sweet and as she has been through it, I am sure will be empathetic and it might be good for you to spend time with her. If you are worried about getting overtired or too anxious being out too long, give yourself a time limit.

As far as the fundraiser goes, I am just imagining how you will feel if you don’t go. Will you feel you have failed or that you’re not strong? Is it better to go, even for a short while ? Stay for a little while and make excuses for why you need to go early. You might even end up enjoying it.

Whatever you do, remember you can be in control. You can place boundaries or limits on whatever you get involved in x

[mixed-up mum]

Hiya Serenity – thank you. 🙂

I’ve become so used to hiding away that is such a big ask for me to go to anything now – I just feel all panicky like I cant do this – I can’t cope.

I just hide away and see no one then I feel so lonely – Im actually sitting here on Facebook – going through my list of friends – to see if there is anyone else like me who has no life and might be at a loose end to chat to me – most of them I know are out doing things with their families on a weekend, and so I get no replies to my messages.

I know I should go and see my friend – it would be so rude of me not to go after she had made the effort to ask me – its just she is so thin and pretty and I always feel such a mess next to her – but I know SHE doesn’t think of me like that – she is a nice lass, and a very friendly, kind person with a genuine heart of gold.
We do have a nice chat about our exes – and the trials of teenage kids!!! But its just that its a whole year since I’ve seen her – and I just worry and get stressy before I go anywhere.

I know I will feel I have let myself down if I don’t do the fundraiser – but its all so new – and I don’t know what Im doing or what is expected of me – and if its busy Im scared I’ll muck things up and let the rest of them down.
I never used to be like this – I used to help with school fundraisers 5-10 years ago – and I wasn’t scared and nervous then – I didn’t worry and I felt in control.
Id forgotten that I ever felt like that then – it wasn’t an issue for me then.

[Serenity]

He’s taken your confidence. Don’t let him win.

It is an irony of life that it is only by doing what we fear that we grow. Like going through the pain of leaving an abuser/ no contact is the only way we sever those unhealthy bonds.
In a sense, no pain then no gain.

I suppose it is asy to hide at home and surf the net. You can learn a great deal from the internet, but it shouldn’t replace real life. Yet I know how comforting being at home can be.

These are all things I remind myself, by the way!

There is a book I read years ago whose title I have adopted as a life mantra: “Feel the Fear and do it Anyway.” It’s worth reading.

I remember in my head a quote I used to love:

‘Jump’ they said.
‘I can’t’ he replied.
‘Jump’ they said.
He waited.
Then he jumped.
And he flew.

[mixed-up mum]

Oh WOW Serenity – that’s such an inspirational quote – beautiful!!! 🙂 x*x 🙂

[Confused123]

Hi HUn

I would say meet up with your friend, it will do you the world of good and will help your confidence, i odnt blame u for not go to that family function, as serinty said they stealour confidence, just take baby steps to rebuild it . im same hate meet up at family function as ex has drummemd in my head im the most boring person , i feel so conscieous when im out,

[Serenity]

Confused: Abusers are boring. They only have one topic of conversation: themselves.

Yawwwwwnnnnn….

[mixed-up mum]

I really didn’t think he HAD taken so much of my confidence from me – but I’m beginning to see now that he really has…..

When I try to do anything now I hear this voice in my head saying you can’t do that – you’ll fail – your stupid – you can’t cope…….

I’m free from him – yet in a way I’m still not truely free – I hide within these four walls, too scared to do anything,too scared to move on with my life – so yeah he still wins – do you ever TRUELY break free?????

Hiya Confused123 – yeah I know I WILL feel better if I do go and meet my friend, but it’s the initial making myself go that’s the problem…..

I kind of feel like I should have gone to the family function too, just to be a part of the special day, and it was so very kind of her to include me and the kids in the event ( especially seeing none of the rest of them speak to us), but at the end of the day I could have travelled 100s of miles, and then backed out and not gone through with it, so most likely best I stayed home.

Thank you both, nice to hear from you. 🙂 x*x 🙂

[SilkyHalide]

That’s what’s getting me I can still hear his voice as if he was here.

[Eve1]

Hi M.U.M.

Just wanted to let you know I’m thinking of you and I feel for you having to decide what to do here. I know I’m the same with friends and hardly eversee any. I hope you decide to meet your friend and as Serenity says, put a time limit on it if that helps.

The fund raising is more tricky isn’t it? Being with people who seem so much more confident than you, (but it might be only that they seem to). I think it really is worth a try, but only you can decide.

Hugs to you, whatever you decide.

Serenity, I think I need to read that book!

Eve
x

[mixed-up mum]

Hi Eve – thanks for your reply. 🙂

You know I do feel very threatened by confident people, and it got me thinking yesterday……….
When I had to go into hospital for an operation I was terrified of the surgeon, couldn’t speak to him got all my words muddled up and they wouldn’t come out right,
When I went to speak to my lawyer I was just the same – I couldn’t talk.
And I remember being the same with the headmistress at the kids school.
It’s people in some authority, probably who traditionally have some respect and some ‘standing’ in the community, eg doctors, lawyers, teachers, all educated people.
They were all really nice people, but I just feel threatened around clever and well educated people, I always feel so stupid next to them, and when I can’t get my words out I look even MORE stupid.

I just feel like a lower class person next those kinds of people. They are so confident and I have no confidence.

The kind of people I’d be working with when I help at the fundraising event, are by no means ‘educated’ people – BUT they have all done well for themselves and they do have good jobs and make way more money than me – and I just feel insignificant next to them – nothing THEY have done – just my own inferiority complex.

I don’t ever feel good about myself.

[godschild]

M.U.M You have survived abuse , got away, are caring for your children single handed and struggling for money , that all takes a strong person.
Life is not al about how educated people or people that you see have done well for themselves or make more money its about their heart, you show such a heart and care for others on here.
You have such wisdom as well.
You put yourself down so much thats beacause of what he did to you.
I have struggles with people in authority but over the years I look at these people and think they are no different to me.
Many people cover up what the really feel and put on a mask and a front anyway.
But what yo have survived and gone through makes you a very special person
You are such a good mum, trying to keep disipline and caring for your children single handed whilst their father sits back and leaves you to it, that takes strength and a caring heart, ho would these poeple have coped in your situation they may have crumbled.
Give your self a pat on the back look in the mirror ans tell yourself how you have survived and what a good mum you are and how caring you are. That makes a really good person x

[mixed-up mum]

Thank you Godschild for your kind and positive words.

This is it…….I’ve got to go now…….I’m doing it……..wish me luck!!!!

[Serenity]

Good luck! 🍀

[godschild]

How did it go m.u.m

[Serenity]

I was wondering too!

[mixed-up mum]

Awww thank you ladies for thinking of me – that means so much. 🙂

I didn’t want to post on here, as there have been so many poor women on here these last two days – suffering so much worse than me – so I didn’t want to take up space on here – and peoples time – with my trivial problems and worries.

Well I went, and it was OK – I had to set up tables for the teas – and then as people started to arrive I went in to the kitchen t hide, and I made teas and coffees, and filled up trays with sandwiches and cakes – they asked me if Id like to go out and waitress – but I said no – Id rather just stay in the kitchen and help there.

They were all really nice, and made me feel welcome – but we were so busy we didn’t really have much time for chit-chat, so that was fine.

I just felt very conscious the whole time – am I doing this right – is what Im doing OK – I didn’t want to make a mistake, and look stupid.

But I stayed on right to the end, and I was in the last 3 to leave as we all cleared up – they made sure I was thanked for my help, and they did make an effort – Im just paranoid about doing things wrong and looking stupid – but no one said anything – so I must have done OK.

It ws not so bad as I was expecting – but then as I say we didn’t realy have time to talk – so there was no pressure on me to chat.

The next event is at the start of (detail removed by Moderator) – and its just me and another lady working at that – so I hope we are busy – so I wont have to chat too much to her – bit awkward when its just the two of us on duty.

I did a lot of voluntary work when my kids were in Primary school – I spent (detail removed by Moderator) years on the (detail removed by Moderator) there – and I loved helping out and feeling useful. It was nice to feel like I was a part of something.
But that was many years ago now – and as I say I have forgotten how to mix and socialise in that time…..

BUT I am glad I went, Im glad I stuck it out – and Im glad I have taken this tiny step towards making abetter life.

I know this may seem like a very small thing to most people – but it took a lot of courage for me to go back after the disastrous first meeting.

Thank you both for your kind and positive word of encouragement – it means a lot to have such support, it really warms my heart to hear you say such lovely things about me, I don’t hear things like that often.

Take care,

Thank you.

x*x

[godschild]

Well done, glad you went, im sure all you did was fine, but I understand im the same go over and over if I did wrong, what did they think, did I say anyhitng etc, hope this new venture will really take off for you and your confidence will grow x

[Confused123]

Well done hun for making effort to go

[Suntree]

Well done. That was not a small thing to do.

[Author]

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