Don’t know if this is all just exaggerated in my head now

[barra]

When I met my partner (now husband) it seemed like we really clicked. I’d never really had a serious relationship before, in fact I’d only ever been with (detail removed by Moderator), so I guess there were a lot of things I didn’t know and it felt like he was quick to say I love you, wanting to move in etc but somehow it felt like that was just because we both knew things felt right you know? He just seemed so caring and we laughed together a lot.

I moved in him with (detail removed by Moderator), by that point we’d been together nearly (detail removed by Moderator) so it didn’t feel too early and it also made sense given the situation. The next (detail removed by Moderator) months were tough. He was made redundant and my firm were also making a sweep of redundancies at the time so I felt under a lot of pressure. I remember our relationship as being ‘good’ at the time, like hard things were going on around us but we were a good team. But when I look back on things I wrote, it’s filled with things like:

“[He] is so on edge […] we’ve been having a lot of fights and his temper is short at the moment”
“Obviously we’re still good and everything but he’ll just kick off so easily”
“I’m tired of people being on my case and having a go at me. And I’m tired of people thinking they can just treat me like s**t and it won’t matter”
“Today has been tough. This week has been tough. We’ve had some big fights, I’ve been called a f***ing c**t more times than I can count, [he] lunged at me during one of our fights and told me that he wanted me out the flat”
“ he can be so authoritarian, he just tells me oh you have to do this even though he has no reason to back it up, but gets upset if I say anything. But then he will react aggressively at the slightest thing and refuse to listen. It feels like I need to be so careful either way with what i’m saying – the conversation just switches so quickly”
“everything is just feeling very precarious at the moment, like if I put a foot out of line with either [partner] or [job] neither of them has any obligation to treat me well and the stakes are kind of high if they don’t”

Even post lockdown, I remember feeling we were a strong team. I put basically all my savings into the flat. It made financial sense, in fact it felt advantageous to me because I got a foot in the property ladder, and I think I also felt like if I was more 50/50 then I’d feel more equal. It would be us in our flat not me in his flat.

But then even throughout that time there are incidents I can pick out that definitely weren’t ok and I don’t know why I accepted them. I remember one argument at [an event] where I wanted to go inside to be warm and he got so f**king angry about it, telling me I was such a self-entitled c**t and stormed off. When I eventually found him back at the car and told him I was sorry etc I remember him just saying to me “(detail removed by Moderator)”. The rest of the way home felt like the air was literally sparking and I was scared to even move too much in the car. But then later down the line he told me “it’s just an argument, people say things when they’re angry”.

(detail removed by Moderator) weeks later, we got engaged. I remember feeling really happy about it, feeling like there was no uncertainty this was where we were headed, but also daunted by the idea of being somebody’s wife and kind of wishing I’d met him later in life because it sort of felt like I had skipped all the normal parts of being in your (detail removed by Moderator) and instead just had job, pandemic and now being someone’s wife.

Shortly after that, things went downhill for us. It felt like anything I did he resented me for it. He kept bringing up the ring, any time that i contradicted him or brought up any issue he would say “what MORE do you want from me”, “can you not see how much I’ve put into this”. He also really wanted to get married quickly after getting engaged, he kept saying he didn’t want “one of those long engagements”. He wanted a really small wedding, just family, which was all you could do anyway at the time cause of covid. I didn’t feel the same, I wasn’t ready to rush into getting married, and he felt rejected over that.

(detail removed by Moderator) months into our engagement was the first time he ever got physical in an argument. Or at least, the first time he ever laid hands on me, he’d thrown stuff before. And clenched his fist, and threatened me. I just didn’t realise those things also count as physical abuse.

At that point in our relationship I didn’t even make excuses. I knew what had happened was wrong and I wanted out.

I booked myself somewhere to stay and spent (detail removed by Moderator) weeks living there, trying to give myself time to sort something more permanent. It was a pretty miserable (detail removed by Moderator) weeks. I went into the office every day but it was still covid times and the only person I was seeing was the security guard (who is lovely by the way). I didn’t really have friends at that point.

He was messaging me all the time, saying he just wanted to make sure I was safe, he wanted things to work etc. He’d been having such a tough time with his boss and his mental health etc and he was sorry for taking it out on me. Eventually I accepted his apologies. I remember feeling like I wish I had some more time away to work out what I felt but that there was no point pissing a load of money up the wall if I was going to go back anyway. I really wish at that point I had just talked to anyone about it, and told them how things were, but my partner was the only person I really spoke to about anything. I didn’t really have any close friends.

So, I went back, and things were better between us for a bit.

And then (detail removed by Moderator) or so later we had another fight that got physical.

But he was so apologetic after, and I accepted that. My heart went out to him for the guilt he seemed to be feeling and I just wanted to do whatever I could to make things ok. Despite the fight, I didn’t feel scared of him, it felt like I knew he would never actually hurt me.

But the fights kept happening. And by (detail removed by Moderator) things were pretty bad between us again and I wanted out. It just felt like (detail removed by Moderator) wasn’t the right time to do that. I didn’t want to hurt him and I didn’t want to create any drama. My (detail removed by Moderator) was ill and my (detail removed by Moderator) was super stressed about her and she kept telling me how much of a source of happiness it was to her to see how happy me and my partner were.

Everyone thought that we were such a perfect couple and with rose tinted glasses on I sort of believe that we were, but then if I look back at things I wrote at the time I wasn’t happy at all. I wanted to break up with him and just kept telling myself just get through (detail removed by Moderator). I even made arrangements for other places to stay for (detail removed by Moderator), and I wrote so many times my mind was made up.

But then, after (detail removed by Moderator) a lot of issues blew up and my (detail removed by Moderator) was struggling a lot. It just felt like my problems with (detail removed by Moderator) were really not the most important thing to deal with at the time. I didn’t want to add to the list for my (detail removed by Moderator).

But, the fights kept happening. Every few months they’d blow up into something. There were only a couple more occasions where he actually struck out at me, but plenty of things he did that sent a very clear message “if this is what happens to [eg] the wall, what do you think can happen to you”. And always there was some kind of excuse. He didn’t realise that I’d “(detail removed by Moderator)” when he pushed me. That hurt as well because I fell into the (detail removed by Moderator) we had in the flat and hurt my ribcage. Any threats he “obviously didn’t mean it”, it was just an argument and people say stupid things.

Anyway, get round to (detail removed by Moderator) of the next year and I wanted to leave again. Things were bad between us. I’d set a rule that if anything physical happened again, I would leave, and nothing had for a while, but I wanted out anyway. By this point I actually had friends outside of our relationship, as I’d joined a (detail removed by Moderator) group post-pandemic, and I think I was starting to realise that how he was treating me wasn’t normal.

But I was also pretty controlled by him at that point. I believed that it was me being defensive or sensitive. When he made comments about other girls “dressing like hoes” I felt relieved that he didn’t think the same about me. When he flipped out at me over something in the flat not being tidy enough I didn’t understand why I was so incapable of just keeping the house tidy to the standard that he wanted, I thought because my family were untidy that it was me that was the abnormal one. He was always making comments about how my family were so fkn dirty and I was desperate to not be in the same boat. All the (detail removed by Moderator) I was doing I felt so conflicted because I knew it made me happy and I was enjoying the company of the people I trained with a lot but I also felt like I was being selfish for putting my time into that rather than our relationship.

Anything he got angry about I kept thinking I need to just do X, Y, Z better. Need to be tidier, need to be more organised, need to make more effort, need to be less tired in the evenings. There was a guy in my (detail removed by Moderator) club who I was becoming friends with but my partner felt like it was weird, so I cut contact. If I questioned my partner on anything it would escalate into an argument and I’d end up feeling like it was me that had started it, but I also never intended to even be critical. It was literally the stupidest things like he’d put (detail removed by Moderator) in the cupboard and I’d say “no this ones the (detail removed by Moderator) it needs to go in the fridge” and he’d flip out that I was telling him what to do. But then 90% of the rest of the time it would be fine to say that, it was just completely unpredictable so I ended up just avoiding contradicting him in any way, and feeling confused about why I couldn’t seem to get it right. And then afterwards he’d say he wasn’t angry I was just overthinking it, or he’d say it was me that just kept pushing him until it became an argument, or that that’s just how he was raised and he can’t help it.

So over (detail removed by Moderator) I told him I didn’t want to do this anymore, and went back to spend it with my family. But then I found out my (detail removed by Moderator) was cheating on my (detail removed by Moderator) and overall I think I just felt stupid, I felt like all the things he was saying about my family were true. I felt like they were selfish (except my (detail removed by Moderator)) and didn’t care about anyone but themselves and that for all my partner’s faults at least he cared and wanted the best for me.

Anyway, fast forward, I decided to stay with him and from that point it felt like the decision was made and I just went with whatever he said. We put all of our money into a house together and we got married (detail removed by Moderator). And pretty much immediately after we got married things got pretty fkn bad, like borderline traumatic kind of bad. Just (detail removed by Moderator) into our marriage during an argument he grabbed my throat. He was aggressive with sex and aggressive generally. Everything I was doing was blowing up into arguments, any attempts to discuss it he would tell me that it was my fault because I wasn’t really trying. That I needed to spend less time (detail removed by Moderator) and put more time into our relationship. Whenever I worked from home there was always a huge list of chores for the house and if I hadn’t done everything he would flip out, but I also needed to actually do my job.

Sorry this is so long. Following one too many arguments that got physical, I’ve now left. Our marriage lasted barely (detail removed by Moderator) months ha. I’ve been staying with a friend who has helped me massively and her and her partner both really believe his behaviour has been abusive and controlling and I believe it too now. But also, how did I get to this point ?? How did I marry him, thinking things were ok? Part of me worries that I’ve just inflated it all in my head, that I’m the one with mental health issues, that I’m exaggerating stuff for sympathy somehow, even though there’s huge parts I haven’t told anyone and never will.

There’s so many situations now where it feels like I’m the one that’s not behaving normally. Like I’m close friends with my friend’s partner, and we banter a fair amount. But then there’s also occasions where I’ll contradict him or question him or something and then I just feel terrified. Even though he’s never been anything but kind to me. And then at work, I feel like I’ve become a lot less withdrawn and there’s people I work with that I really like as people, I feel completely normal and relaxed around them and in a work context am happy to give my opinion, question things etc. But then I don’t know just some occasions I’ll then suddenly be terrified that I’ve pushed it too far and there’s no rhyme or reason to it, it’s me that’s reacting abnormally not anything they’ve done. It’s a completely normal situation and yet in my head they’re about to completely flip out.

So, I don’t know. There’s things in our relationship that objectively were clearly abusive. But was it that bad?? I never got badly hurt, and how much of the “walking on eggshells” feeling was actually just me in my head? I don’t want to go back, I feel very certain on that, but also was he such a bad person or did we just go downhill?

[spiritedaway]

it really was that bad you had to leave, it really was that bad you changed all your behaviour to accommodate his. We shouldn’t have to do that over every little action we take or thing we say, while they blame us and push us to question ourselves. It is them!

[barra]

Thank you for taking the time to read and respond X*x

[Texas]

Hi, if it hurt your wellbeing over a prolonged period, and there was no empathy or responsibility for their contribution, it’s abuse. The fact that you are doubting it shows you have also been gaslit. Make sure to take good care of yourself during this challenging time, you will come through it.

[Chasingrainbows]

Barra, firstly, thanks for sharing and making a move to question what’s happening. Yes, it’s abuse, walking on eggshells and changing how you behave to suit someone else is abuse. Them not saying sorry is abuse, not taking responsibility for their actions and blaming you is abuse, making no moves to change or get help is abuse. There does not have to be hitting, kicking or punching to be abuse. It was bad for you and you deserve better.

I have come from a similar relationship to you. My suggestions for support are these, get hold of Lundy’s book ‘inside the minds of angry and controlling men’. I highlighted everything that I thought sounded like my experiences and when I flicked through I was shocked to see how much echoed my relationship. It affirmed for me I was right, and I needed to trust my judgement. Read on here other people’s experiences, I read other people’s stories and thought ‘wooah, that’s abuse’ followed by ‘thats what happened to me’. I stumbled on my older post detailing what had happened to me and realised how abusive it sounded, reading it back – like you and looking back at stuff you wrote.

Noone should expect someone else to change to suit them, no matter what they’ve been through, my partner also got made redundant a long time ago and blamed that and the stress on his behaviour. But what I learnt over time is it NEVER got better. Because what needs to change is their habits and attitudes and beliefs that fuels their stress. Whatever you do you cannot change that.

I too felt we’d been through a lot together and were a strong couple, but really I was holding him up and agreeing with him to keep him happy.

You are not responsible for his actions. We are in control of our own selves, this is my mantra now and helps me remember I was not responsible for stuff, just like you’re not responsible for him either. Take care of yourself, stay away if you can manage to. X

[Pineapplepie]

What you have written is so similar to what I also went through at the start of the relationship, the only difference is I’m still in it with two children and struggle to leave. It only gets worse.
It really isn’t nice to live that way and you got the strength to leave,
I think the mind play tricks on us and lets us believe it isn’t or wasn’t so bad when deep down we know it is.

[Author]

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