Don’t know what to believe anymore

[Galnextdoor]

Hi all,
This is my first time posting and I’m not really sure how to articulate my situation at the moment, but I will try my best. I’d appreciate some honest insight as I’m so confused at the minute.

(Detail removed by moderator) I got into a relationship with my current partner. At the time, he and his wife had split up (not the first time), with her citing DV. We had known each other for years and from an outside perspective, he had always appeared the devoted family man so I was shocked. Not at the split per se, more so the allegations.

I was dubious at first as I’ve always believed there are two sides to every story, and initially I would flirt between he was telling the truth about the allegations being false back to being unsure. This was from listening to those around us that knew us both and also his openness at showing me the paperwork and messages etc. During this time he was perfect with me, albeit having depressive moments from not being able to see his children and the stress of legal matters.

There were some early red flags, such as comparing me a lot initially to his wife (always to her detriment) and once being explosive with me as I had said that I didn’t like his obvious flirting when we had gone out. During this moment, he stopped me mid sentence,  (detail removed by moderator) and stormed out of my house. He called me (detail removed by moderator) or so and apologised and blamed the stress. I’ll say at this stage that I have always tried to remain impartial to his ex by saying no matter what, she is still the mother of his children and I don’t like any comparisons or any belittling comments or name calling about either of us. Currently, he still refers to her as “she”…”that woman”….”that” and I really don’t like it.

Fast forward to where I am currently at and my head is in pieces. There have been some other major incidents since then that have progressively become more frequent. One example was refusing to remove wedding pictures despite me saying they made me a little uncomfortable. I can’t describe the others due to specificity and I’m worried that they could ID me.

After a recent holiday, things have become much worse. When I think about it, his aggression does seem to have simmered but his words and overall manner is more like (Detail removed by moderator).

I’m so confused. I don’t know whether this is depression or if it’s abusive. The more I try to research, the more confused I get. I know in my heart right now I do love him, but feel hopeless at the same time and cannot see how to make things better. I have tried everything, being elusive, being supportive, being quiet and easy going, but all to no real avail.

What confuses me the most at the minute is where I stand. That is what is bringing me the greatest stress. He tells me very contradictory statements that I cannot seem to get any understanding of. When I try to clarify with him what he means, the conversation just becomes circular. Let me list some examples:

I love you (Detail removed by moderator) I don’t see a way forward for us

I want children in the next year (Detail removed by moderator) I don’t know how I will feel about more children once I get access to mine

I want to be your partner (Detail removed by moderator) I don’t see us working

What do you want? (Detail removed by moderator) I don’t know what I want I don’t have answers

I don’t deserve you (Detail removed by moderator) your amazing and loving and kind – you’re my rock

I can see I’m dragging you down and you’re unhappy (Detail removed by moderator) I don’t want to lose you in my life even if all we can be is friends

I’m done with you it’s over (Detail removed by moderator) can we clear the air

We need to take a step back (Detail removed by moderator) I struggle not waking up/having tea/spending each night with you

There has never been any physical altercations although once early on he dies are me in that he was right in my face ooh ting at me – he hasn’t done that since. There there have also been times where I have asked him not to do things in bed and he’s point blank said no and pressured me until I gave in.

Please help me understand.

 

[Escapee]

Hey Galnextdoor,

These things you are saying are all major red flags of abuse. It will not get better; it will get worse. You will loose your sense of what’s right and normal.

Nothing you can do and no matter how much you love him, nothing will change him and I mean NOTHING!. But it will destroy you.

Please, please finish this relationship now before you get in any deeper. Talk to someone at WA, read about emotional abuse and read lots of posts on here.

I am so, so sorry you have found yourself in this situation. Nobody outside my unclear family would have any idea of the man my ex was in private.

You can PM me if you need to talk.

Good luck x*x

[LittleFirefly]

Everything you have written was me (detail removed by moderator). I wish I’d known about abuse to see the signs but I’m now stuck and weak. You seem clever enough to get out before you end up like me years down the line. I’m still living it and it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.. I will one day escape. I think the anger comes from the frustration of yearning for thier ex and obsessing about them. To you they call thier ex names and hold alot of anger but if they were face to face without you being there it would be completely different. I’m almost sure he treated me like a queen for her eyes to see as appose to being for me. Didnt realise that till years after. Being overly and publicly loving to get back to her. It’s so clear now. You’ll never actually know for sure because it will never be admitted. Fact is my fellas ex wouldnt get back with him so it’s always gonna be my overly jealous word against his. Maybe it’s the same situation xxxx

 

[Galnextdoor]

Thank you ladies for your responses.

@Escapee I have PM’d you x

@LittleFirefly yes I can relate to everything you’ve just said. It’s been a thought in my head for a while now that even if he says there are no feelings there, he is so enmeshed with his children that he couldn’t separate them all. He’s always said if you love someone you hold on to them no matter what, but I’m not feeling very held on to at all and haven’t for a little while now. I feel like I’m just an inconvenience to him right now. I don’t think I can describe how gutted I really am at the moment. I really did believe we had fallen in love.

[Tiffany]

The contradictory statements are classic abuse. They don’t want you to know where you stand. They want to keep you on edge, because you are more likely to obey their every wish when you are feeling insecure, but they can’t just be consistently mean to you because you would leave. Honestly, so many of those pairs of statements were things that my abuser said to me. Slight variations because he hadn’t been married before, or had kids. But he’d tell me he couldn’t wait to have kids, and then he’d tell me he didn’t think I would cope with motherhood because of (detail removed by moderator).

With the timing you describe of your relationship, and getting together with your partner so soon after his wife left him with allegations of DV, I would say that he wanted you not because he loved you, but because he had lost his primary victim and needed to replace her quickly – abusers don’t do well without a supply of the power they feel from abusing people. His actions definitely sound more like that than a heartsick and grieving husband whose wife has taken away his kids. If he was really as hung up as he claimed on getting them back then he would have focused his energies on that, not immediately replacing his wife with another woman. Of course it is possible to fall in love at inconvenient times. But had that happened I think the photos of his wedding to the previous wife would have come straight down, and he would have been much more considerate of your feelings.

Sorry if this sounds harsh. I am not judging you. My current partner and I met probably on a similar timescale to you and yours. He’d recently broken up with his fiance, and was still sorting out the legal stuff when we met. I hadn’t actually known my partner before, (detail removed by moderator). Which is where the similarities end. My current partner isn’t abusive. She had left him realising that they weren’t a good match. He was sad about it, but ultimately agreed it was for the best. He has never once compared me to her. He didn’t leave photos of them on display when I started going round to his house, and once I moved in he made a real effort to let my personality shine through in the house rather than it just reflecting the choices that he and his ex had made together. There have been some bumps on the road because he hadn’t fully recovered from his break up and I hadn’t fully recovered from mine, which was the abusive one which landed me on this forum. But it didn’t involve any see-sawing of our opinions of each other. We just explained that we has issues relating to certain actions or certain activities because if the past relationships and that we needed space, or weren’t ready for things. And we certainly didn’t hold the other responsible for our emotions. I think that is what worries me most about your current situation. The onus seems to be on you to try and make the relationship work, which he takes no responsibility, and repeatedly hurts you in ways which you have told him hurts you. That’s not ok, and I would pack a bag and run.

[Galnextdoor]

Thank you @tiffany don’t worry I’m grateful for as much info and support as possible. None of what you said was harsh, quite the contrary.

I just don’t understand why, if he doesn’t even seem to like me or want to be around me, he won’t just leave me alone. Why the need for all this? And what on earth does that say about me?! Blurgh….

On that note, considering how things currently stand between us, what would you ladies suggest in terms of me leaving the relationship. Other than a house key and some non important items, I don’t have anything at to keep me attached to him. So how should I make my first move to get out and also, what exactly do I say to limit the amount of damage that I’m sure I will get?

[KIP.]

Hi and welcome and well done for reaching out for support. Sadly there’s only one thing you can do to limit the amount of damage and that’s total zero contact. If you haven’t tried to end an abusive relationship, this will sound excessive. But from those of us who have been where you are, it’s the only way forward. Contact is toxic. A one off text message ending the relationship and telling him not to contact you again. Then block his number. Don’t reply to anything else from him. If you do, the police consider it an argument. If you don’t reply and he continues to contact you, the next step sadly is to involve the police. Again, it might seem excessive but it’s the safe thing to do. At this point you have your text message as evidence that you do not wish contact. Don’t ever make the mistake of thinking he will be ‘reasonable’ or that you can ‘remain friends’. KIP x

[Galnextdoor]

Thank you @KIP

I’ve literally just begun a new thread asking for that very advice!

Oh my gosh, I can’t believe I’m putting a plan together! I already feel relieved!!! Can I just say thank you all too for your responses and support.
I’ve been an utter mess (and still am) but for the first time in months I actually feel like I’ve been heard!

You are such an incredible and inspiring group. And I shall keep you all posted over the next few days x*x

[Tiffany]

Depends a bit on whose house key it is. If you have his house key then end it with a text, and post his key back to him. If he has your house key then you might have to change the locks and then end things with a text. This seems like an overreaction probably, but with abusers it’s hard to know how they will react. It seems unlikely that he will have another victim lined up, and as I said, these men need a steady supply of people to hurt. It’s possible that once he realises that he can’t control you that he will drop you and disappear from his life, and focus all his energy on hurting his wife again, or in acquiring a new victim, but it is equally possible that he will go all out to either win you back, or punish you for leaving. As KIP says, all contact with these men is toxic.

It doesn’t say anything about you, except probably that you are empathetic and try to see the best in people. Most of us are so blindsided by the sheer unpleasantness of what abusers do that we convince ourselves it must be unintentional, and that if we could help them see how hurtful their actions are they would change. Unfortunately it isn’t unintentional and the only safe thing to do is to shut them out of your life and look after yourself.

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