- This topic has 3 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 1 month, 4 weeks ago by Anonymous.
30th November 2021 at 11:39 am #134935Dancer123Participant
I almost didn’t join this site as I thought it was just for physical abuse but after reading lots of stories I realised that emotional abuse is just as bad.
Me and my ex have been split for almost (detail removed by moderator), we were together for almost (detail removed by moderator), not even sure why I put up with it for so long but think I was stuck in the abuse cycle. I don’t speak to him now apart to communicate about the kids. But recently he has been being really nice offering me money towards gifts for Xmas ringing next to check everything was (detail removed by moderator) etc, I was confused to say the least. He picked up my girls from school and took them to his house, he has a new girlfriend who also had kids so they were all having a sleepover. My daughter was texting me on the night telling me about it, I try not to ask her what she is doing as he doesn’t like it and takes it out on her! The next morning as their had been (detail removed by moderator) I text him (as he had been being nice) and her to see if everything was ok (detail removed by moderator). He text back just the time he would drop the girls off (very blunt) my daughter text me and said everything is not ok, she rang me (detail removed by moderator) crying saying dad is being nasty and calling you nasty names. I asked why, and the reason was my daughter had said to his girlfriend that ‘dad isn’t usually this nice, and he’s nasty to my Mam’ now these are her thoughts not mine (she is (detail removed by moderator) now and sees things for herself. So in her words dad went ‘crazy’ after he had dropped his girlfriend off! Now what scares me the most is the fact she said it on the evening so they have carried on having fun and him being al nice to her, had fun on the morning and then as soon as the girlfriend left he started abusing her! This is not normal behaviour surely! I asked to speak to him to see what had happened and why my daughter was upset and he was screaming saying I’m not speaking to her, trying to grab the phone to switch it off. My daughter ran back upstairs crying. I have seen red and started texting him asking why he has changed from being nice to us, he said I was brainwashing the girls and that I am poison! I asked him to bring the girls home, my daughter than text saying ‘Mam it’s ok now, I have said sorry! Can you just forget it now’ so now he is manipulating her for having an opinion on his behaviour!
My youngest daughter has (detail removed by moderator). Rather than say he forgot or is she ok, I got a tirade of abuse saying her (detail removed by moderator). I told him it’s not much to ask to (detail removed by moderator) one day a week. He started swearing saying what am I putting in this innocent girls heads, I’m poison and poor kids etc.
This has all really upset me, I’ve been crying felt sick, shaky etc. I don’t want his abuse to affect the girls but it is. I don’t know what to do for the best. The kids love their dad and I want them to have a realtionship with him but I honestly feel like he is damaging them. My oldest is really sensitive and has anxiety anyway. I feel like I need to protect them but I know if I stop contact im scared of his reaction as he will go absolutely crazy and I’m not strong enough to deal with it at the minute. I’ve told him arrangements for pick ups etc can now be done through my mother but other than that what can I do as my mum can’t do that forever. Where do I go with this? I don’t work at the minute so I don’t know what help etc I could get to go down a legal route. I honestly can’t deal with anymore abuse from him as I feel like I’m going crazy!
I worry aswell that if it does go to court or anything he will twist everything and blame me as he always does and he always comes across as so polite and nice to other people. I have flew off the handle and said nasty things before after he’s drive me to it and he still talks about them. I feel as though I can’t win any battle at all with him. He’s always right and I’m wrong and everything is always my fault. If anyone can give me any advice or advise what you done in a similar situation id be grateful
30th November 2021 at 8:24 pm #134964PaintingByNumbersParticipant
I don’t have any advice and it sounds like an awful situation – I can offer prayers and a listening ear and hope you find others with more experience who can support you through this. You sound like an amazing mum so I’m sure you’ll do the right thing, whatever that is! X
1st December 2021 at 3:56 pm #135030Dancer123Participant
Thanks so much painting by numbers, sometimes a kind word is all you need x
1st December 2021 at 4:14 pm #135032AnonymousInactive
Yes, feeling for your situation it’s difficult and feel as if I’ve been to a similar place. My DD now (detail removed by Moderator) so easier than it was when she was younger in some ways.a
Right now my advice would be to take one thing at a time.
Most important priority is to signal to your kids what a ‘normal’ relationship looks like. I’m sure that sounds obvious, and you do it anyway but that is what people call the circle of protection around your single parent family. Basically listening.
As for the rest, court etc. Now is the time to put the work in to feel more confident knowing how it might work, IF you need or choose to cross that bridge. You are in teh right place for pointers here, try not to be afraid of it. He can try all he wants to intimidate you, but doesn’t mean he will get what he wwants in court.
Begin to put boundaries around your single parent family.
Practice and learn about grey rock.
You don’t need to talk to him about anything else aside from arrangements about your kids.
Drop offs at the door or in a public place. Third party if you have it.
Presumably you might want to do paid work again at some point.
So you may have to negotiate that with times contact etc.
think about what you might want.
And document emotional abuse.
It’s a lot I know, but hopefully there is something helpful in there.
Oh, and re child maintenance. Need to make sure that is sorted.
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