Don't know what to do

[Pineapple]

Hi I’m new here and come across the forum as I’m at the end of my tether. My husband has been controlling, possessive, aggressive, has a shockingly bad temper and regularly pressurises me into sex with him. I have known for a long time that it’s not right and that he has issues but the problem is that he never seems to think he’s in the wrong he always blames me and says I’m the one with mental health issues!

I have finally decided that enough is enough however I have no idea what to do to get away as he has financially drained me so I have no savings at all therefore no way of putting down a bond on an apartment of my own. I don’t drive so I can’t move too far away from where I work as I rely on public transport. I love my job and everyone I work with so I really don’t want to leave it but I have no friends or family in the area I could stay with. I need to take my pets with me and what little belongings I have but I know I have no way of sneaking them out without him noticing as he’s currently off sick and always in the house. He also has the only set of keys to our house so I can’t get in when he’s not there even if he did go out for awhile. He has been violent in the past and threatened violence to my family and friends so I wouldn’t want to try leave and get my stuff while he’s there as I know he won’t let me go and will kick off like mad. Both our names are on the lease but hes already said if I ever left him he’d never leave me alone and would make my life hell until I come back because he “can’t live without me”. Also if I do leave I know he’ll turn up to harass me at my workplace and I’m often there alone.i feel like I’m never going to be free of him and despite how awful he’s been to me I still feel so terrible and guilty and so upset at the thought of how upset he’ll be when he notices I’ve left. I’m alsoconcermed because I’ll have to leave some of our pets there and I’m worried about their welfare.

Honestly I feel so confused and helpless (detail removed by Moderator)

[SilkyHalide]

Hi Pinapple
Sending you hugs so sorry you are feeling this way especially at this time of night when little response.
I’ll send another post but just wanted to reach out incase it takes a while for me to type it.

[SilkyHalide]

It must be so hard when you have nowhere to go. But I almost forget I was in that position once. I did change circumstances and gathered people around me and squirrelled a little money away ready to leave. I wasn’t quite prepared when the time came but took the chance. Contact women’s aid and see how they can help/support etc. I didn’t get any help from outside organisations until he had already sabotaged my plans in a way I never imagined. If I had more advice then I might have been better prepared.
WA can help you see options you might not have thought of and help put you in touch with support you don’t know about. I have a DV support worker and can ring someone on the same team any time of the day and rather than Samaritans they understand the dynamics of abuse and how it distorts your thinking and what anxieties it brings up. Please continue to talk and post on here, there are lots of ladies who will support you. Getting those feelings out helps you make sense of them and reduces thier power. Hope you feel better soon.

[KIP.]

Hi Pineapple and welcome, can you ring the helpline on here and find out where your nearest women’s aid is. There is a good book called ‘living with the dominator’ by Pat Craven. You are in a horribly abusive relationship. All your head space is taken up just trying to survive with him. Trying to avoid the next outburst, walking on eggshells. Jeckyl and Hyde. You cannot think clearly while stuck in the middle of these awful mind games. Do not doubt yourself. Abusers thrive on out silence. Keep posting. Abusers use guilt to control us. We can’t see this because we are not wired like these monsters. Speak to your GP. But definitely get in touch with your local women’s aid. It’s full of women who have survived abuse. They’re the ones to help you. Keep posting x

[Confused123]

hi

i just replied and it got deleted, basically this is how men leave u feeling, well the abusive one do, they leave u drained and confused with bonus off leaving us pennyless. call the womens aid and speak to a support worker, work with dv agencies and get help, u could always consider refuguee, rent privateley, house share, i know its not ideal but better then living in current scenario.once u leave them u think clearer , u cna do this

[Pineapple]

Thank you for your responses I have contacted women’s aid and asked them to refer me to the nearest refuge but when the refuge got in touch they told me because I’m not on benefits and I work full time I would have to pay £(detail removed by Moderator) a week for the refuge which I clearly can’t afford as it’s more than my monthly wage to stay there for a month and the reason I haven’t gone into private rental is because he’s literally drained me of every penny to start off with so I can’t afford it. I basically felt like I was just being discarded as a single woman with no kids it’s like I don’t matter so it looks like for the minute I’m stuck with him. I’ve been barely eating and every time I do im just being sick again the thought of everything that’s going on just has my stomach in knots it’s horrible 😢

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