Don't know what to do

[Robin]

I had thought things between my husband and I had been improving (he hasn’t said for a while that he wouldn’t help with our youngest “you wanted him!”). But I found myself recently feeling unhappy and low. Him taking the front door key off me recently because I let the door slam doesn’t help.

I rarely go out and I went to a friends (detail removed by Moderator), when I left the house he said have a nice time and drive safe but he didn’t look at me, when I was getting ready he asked if I was getting ready for sh*gging about, when I reminded him our son could hear he pretended it was a dance. I had been expecting a fuss, from him when I went out (in the past he has texted me a lot asking how much longer I would be) but he didn’t and he let me in the house without any fuss when I got back (he said it was pointless me taking my keys as I might loose them). But then the normality is ruined when the next morning, when I had a bath he asked why had I had one and was I trying to get rid of the smell of my affair from last night (he had seen the (detail removed by Moderator) invite!). He referred to my ‘affair’ again a day later and again yesterday when we were in the car, with our children. To me this feels disrespectful and there is no basis for it. I’m also finding his comments disturbing, the other day I had said that my friends daughters were gorgeous and he asked if they gave out blowies.

I am starting to feel low again as I have the chance of a cheap holiday with my family and I would love to go with them as I’m conscious they’re not getting any younger and because they live quite far away I don’t see them often. I was invited last year and he said he wouldn’t let me take the kids, but I could go. I said okay and then he persisted in ’unintentionally’ mentioning it in front of our son until he understood mummy was going away without him and he had a massive meltdown, so I didn’t go. I’ve tried to get him to come this year, so that we could go as a family but he says he wouldn’t get anything out of it and that he doesn’t want to go with my family. He says I can’t take the children, it’s not safe. I had asked him again yesterday if he would come and that we could go as a family and he shouted ‘no’ and the place is a dump. So, I said I would go on my own and he shouted ‘no you’re not’. I feel that he’s controlling me and want to go but I don’t think I can go without my kids. I’m worried that if I go there will be nothing but shouting at home and that it would be worse if I say I will which would be a terrible environment for them. I just don’t know what to do.

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi Robin,

I’m sorry to hear what you’re going through, he sounds very controlling, draining and at least emotionally abusive. Accusing you of affairs, not letting you take the keys, controlling where you go and who you see, blocking you from taking the children on holiday and subsequently blocking you from going on holiday and seeing your parents and making disgusting sleazy comments about your friend’s daughters who are presumably teenagers. It sounds like he is building a prison around you so your feelings of being low are totally understandable. Have you rung the helpline? You could talk to someone about what has been happening and what your options are, they really helped me a lot. You don’t deserve to live like this.

[Robin]

Hi Sunshine, I hadn’t thought about him using the children to stop me going…the way he says it it’s because he’s worried about safety and terrorists (although when I checked on line the worse that could happen is sunburn). I have been in touch with the helpline in the past, I’ve looked at my old posts and they all seem so confident that ‘I’m leaving’ although I’m still there. There are so many times I don’t like him and others where he’s fun, but this isn’t often. I’ve noticed that my sons tone towards me can sometimes be rude and I think it’s his dad rubbing off on him. I worry that I’m making a fuss and that if we split I’ll be taking my son out of the school and away from the friends that the loves. When is ‘enough’ enough?

[Author]

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