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I wrote on here some time ago and now I’m back and still not knowing what to do. My partner has become very volatile and seems the smallest action/inaction produces and explosive response. By day and in the public domain he is a super nice do anything for anyone type of guy. So I’m worried about being believed or the repercussions of doing anything about my situation. I wish I wasn’t here every day – but I have a daughter and am worried that he will ensure that I won’t be allowed to see her. I’ve been told persistently over the last few years that he would seek to make my life a miserable existence, and leave me with nothing (we own a home together – but I don’t care about any of the financial stuff I just don’t want him to hold all the power when it comes to our daughter. I would happily leave the cars on the drive and he can have the house we have both paid for.) He’s told me on numerous occasions that I have to leave, or has threatened taking my daughter away (he has said he will get me sectioned, that he will tell the police I’ve assaulted him, all sorts to ensure I don’t have any rights to anything.
His outbursts aren’t frequent – he has high expectations of how things should be and I try to meet them where I can for a quiet life. He has total paranoia around my relationship with my mother and accuses me of telling her everything all the time (in truth I’d be embarrassed to tell her what I put up with). He has been told he has anxiety issues and has been prescribed anti depressants but refuses to take them and I worry that his rage outbursts will get more frequent and out of control. He hasn’t been physically abusive to me, sometimes he will hit things/throw things when angry. He has a real fixation on me being ’emotionless’ that he doesn’t get enough attention, affection or gratitude from me, and I am forever being told I am a liar.
The thing that upsets me most is that he will often shout at me in front of our daughter. most recently we were in the car (detail removed by moderator) and he saw I had a message from my mother (just mundane chatter) (detail removed by moderator). He flipped, started accusing me of all sorts, being a liar, an ungrateful b***h, no gratitude. All whilst racing down the motorway. He has had outbursts like this before in the car, and has pulled the handbrake whilst I was driving once whilst shouting at me – so was a very uncomfortable journey. I kept pleading with him not to shout as he was scaring our daughter. His response (I don’t give a sh*t). I kept as quiet as I could but he always demands a response. (Detail removed by moderator) I gave in to everything just to be able to get home with her.
I don’t really know where I stand or what to do…..I just wanted to write it all down….
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Hi and thank you for opening up. Have you spoken to WA yet. I’d go and see a doctor too. Tell him your fears, tell him your husband is threatening to section you, yet he’s the one prescribed anti depressants, let the doctor know he doesnt take them. These men are very good liars, he may have fooled his doctor into prescribing them but does not really need them, it’s just another way to fool you and other people. bring you into his reality. You’re emotionless because he’s made you into being emotionless to protect yourself from him.
Of course he’s paranoid about what you and your mum talk about, he doesn’t want anyone sussing him out, don’t let him come between you both, you need family and friends around, other people to see through the FOG that he’s created around you.
I believe you, everyone of us on here believes you. You just need to believe you can get away from him, which I will freely admit is not easy. But reading ladies posts who have gotten out, and gone on to live better lives, that gives me the strength to know one day, I’ll be able to do the same
IWMB 💕💕 -
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Hi Silverfern, The thing about him being Mr NiceGuy around others is so similar to my husband. I think it is because there is a desperate need to project a ‘false self’ because his ‘real self’ is so inadequate. He needs to be a hero to people and constantly praised. His relatives saw through this facade and boy he exploded with outrage. They went ‘no contact’ and he’s spitting blood about it and, of course, blaming me for some reason because the ‘false self’ has been victimised and betrayed. Believe me when I say that people can see through the mask, it’s just that we don’t – trauma bonding? And those around us are too afraid to say anything because they love and respect us. Trouble is because nobody speaks out we are unaware of the insidious abuse and get caught up in the cycle. This goes for the children too. Your daughter will see everything just like my children who are now grown up. Now that I am more informed thanks to the ladies on this forum and the Freedom Programme (online as nothing local) I am plucking up the courage to speak to my children about all of this. By trying to keep the peace and allowing his behaviour to go unchallenged throughout our marriage I have taught my children to respond likewise. I feel very guilty about this and hope there is no damage to them hence the difficult conversations I must have. I understand how difficult it is to want to protect children and yet there is a need to be honest as well. I can only say in my case I wish we had separated when he first started to exhibit the cycle of abuse. Finally, do not undersell yourself. You own half that house and any other marital asset like a pension. I know we want space away from the abuser at any cost but courage, lack of money is a real downer which he will use against you. Legal rights are important – find out about your rights. X
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