Don’t know what to say

[Learntoliveagain]

Morning Ladies,
Unfortunately I’m still here with my husband in a sh*t loop of emotions.
(removed by moderator) was the gaslighting day, and even though I knew what he was doing, I still reacted.
Then the text messages started when I got into work. In the end I sent a long reply trying to explain the hurt he has caused and he hasn’t just been an a******e it’s been far was than that.
I know he is no where as bad as he use to be, but I can’t get past the abuse, even though he thinks I should be able to move (believe me I’ve tried).
I was expecting him to be angry instead he has sent me a message saying (removed by moderator). I so badly want to say yes, I know I can’t keep living like this, but I can’t reply to him, I’m sitting here trying to ignore his messages. I feel my heart is being ripped out, heart palpitations.
I want to be strong and put an end to this nightmare and be happy in a calm/environment. Scared of what will follow if I say yes and I still don’t want to cause him any hurt.
I know it’s only me that can do this, but just needed to pour my heart and you’re the only ladies that truly understand.

[Learntoliveagain]

Omg the text messages keep coming. He’s saying (removed by moderator) 😥

[Lisa]

Hi Leartoliveagain,

It seems you going through so many different, conflicting emotions right now, and it’s a challenging time.

Keep listening to your gut; that ‘inner voice’, that is reminding you why you are needing to end this cycle of abuse. He will not change, nor will he empathise or even acknowledge the hurt his actions have caused.

It seems at times he is saying what he thinks you want to hear, but because he is not genuine, his actions are not in line with what he claims. Actions speak louder than words. It’s understandable you are feeling emotionally conflicted and anxious even. Try as best you can to minimise his impact by prioritising your needs and focusing on doing what you need to do to make things better for yourself.

Do keep posting here to let us know how you are getting on. Hopefully other women here who have been through similar and can relate will send a message of support. You are not alone. You can always try speaking to your local domestic abuse service for some emotional support and encouragement as well.

Take care,

Lisa

[Learntoliveagain]

Thank you Lisa for understanding. I’m feeling so overwhelmed with my emotions right down.
I dont know how I would of coped once I finally understood and accepted that I’ve been in a abusive relationship over (detail removed by Moderator) years, without the support of the forum.

[Chasingthelight]

I can relate so much to this, I am still here many years into this abusive relationship/marriage going through the same cycles over and over, everybody says walk but I can’t I have a family and pets that I would never leave with him, why should I walk and in advised without another abusive threat on my life I can’t get him out, i can see now that this will go on and on and I can’t break the loop even though I say I am not going to participate in a relationship even though we live in the same house. They don’t see it, they think we can forgive but you can’t forget the abuse, two days ago I was told so many nasty things relating me to something bad, I can’t write it down, but how can somebody who’s meant to love and protect you do this to you. Stay strong, those days when you feel most alone and unable to climb out of bed remember we are all United and you are not alone x

[Learntoliveagain]

Morning Chasingthelight,
Thank you for posting, it helps knowing I’m not alone that there is a place where you’re completely understood.
I’m sorry you’re in the same situation, like you I have family and pets that I don’t want to leave, that keeps you stuck in a loop.
I will never understand how they say they love you so very much, yet hurt you so badly and believe that’s ok.

[Bananaboat]

The text content has been removed but is it along the lines of ‘let’s split up then’? If yes, do it!! I know, believe me I know how heart wrenching those texts are and you don’t want to say yes, but firstly, it’s all part of his game! He’s testing you, playing with your emotions to stay and you know by staying he won’t change I.e. he’s been given the green light to carry on treating you this way because he knows he can. Secondly, you’ll kick yourself in the future and ask yourself why the eff didn’t I say yes let’s split BUT I get it, right now your heart & head are tied into the trauma bond, you still have hope he’ll change. What would happen if you called his bluff and said ok then? I did that a few times before it stuck in my own head, but when you call it watch his behaviour- it’s interesting for sure and might help release those ties over time. As Lisa said, actions speak louder than words, watch & listen to his actions! Ignore the professions of love, they are just words to him. xx

[Learntoliveagain]

Hi Bananaboat,
Thank you for your advise. Yes you were right, he did text do you want to split up. I tried ignoring the message, panicking about what to say. He just kept texting, nothing to say, ignoring me now. The longer I left it the more p****d off he was. So I just said I never asked you to leave.
Got home after work expecting an argument or tears, but I got the silent treatment instead along with him drinking all night. Sitting there waiting for him to start, was awful. Nothing happened.
I so wish I had the strength/courage not to worry about the future and just concentrate on ending the marriage. I can’t keep doing this. You’re so right, about regretting not saying “yes” . It’s like I’m waiting for him to do something really bad like he use to, so I can justify telling him to go.

[nbumblebee]

Still here too after decades sweetie I cant leave I just cant see it ever happening but I also know I cant keep living like this. Mine tells me all the time that he has had enough of me that he doesnt want to be married anymore that the love has gone. He tells me to leave he gives me a way out and yet I stay.
Stupid right? Its like I am frozen.
I still cant accept it as the A word I still believe its me not him and that he will change that he will see what he says and does is wrong and that he will change even after all this time so you are not alone. However I see a counsellor for self harm and it helps she helps me find ways to live maybe you feel like you could find someone who can help you along the way? I wont tell you to leave we all know way deep down that its the right thing to do but we all cant do it what I will say is this life is so so hard whether you stay or leave you cant do it alone you really cant and there is help out there and yes its hard to find and yes its even harder to accept but it will help it really will help.
Stay safe xxxxx

[Learntoliveagain]

Thanks nbumblebee, you’re always so kind and supportive to everyone on here. It’s so upsetting to hear we all pay a huge price with our mental health to try and keep the men in ours lives happy, or to have a little peace in our homes. If only we could take our own advise we give to others.
I’ve spent the last 3+ hrs talking and trying so hard to make him understand. He noe says he does and he so sorry for everything he has done, and he will try and change, drink less. If we did more things together like we use to he wouldn’t feel so down and wouldn’t want to drink as much. Saying all the things I was begging him to say years ago.
He said he just wants to know if there is a chance, and that he can’t keep going over things he has done because he can’t cope knowing how he has hurt me. Am I turning into the bully by not letting it go by punishing him for things he cant change? He says that I’m the problem now because I’m being nasty when he is trying.
I feel if I say yes, lets give it another go,everything I have learnt would fall to one side and would be doing it because I don’t want to cause him or my children any hurt, but at what cost to me. If I say no, I don’t want to give him another chance, we all hurt, we have to sell the family home etc and i will feel I’m to blame because I was the one with the choice.
Going insane…what if he already knows I haven’t got the courage to end the marriage.
So exhausted 😪

[nbumblebee]

Do you believe his sorry? I mean deep down really believe?
You wrote that you dont want to give him another chance sweetie Id listen to that voice.
The nice times are why we stay so long we want to believe so much that they will change but actually deep down we know they wont something will happen and bang they will show their nasty side again. When mine is nice and kind i feel as you do i feel like the bad one i cant forgive i cant forget and know what why should we? Mine makes me feel so low so disgusting i self harm thats not right thats not how a marriage should be right?? Hes telling you what you need to hear he thinks you cant see well you can and do sweetie dont let him in.
I dont have any answers i really dont all I know is that we always have to be one step ahead of them for our own safety and sanity.
Listen to yourself sweetie that voice within she knows.
Stay safe xxxxx

[Bananaboat]

This is the heartbreaking bit as deep down we know they won’t change but he’s dangling the carrot to keep you believing. It’s a real head vs heart battle and he’s using that. Future faking – promising holidays /events / change. You’ll never be able to have a rational conversation with these men, they just end up saying what they need to to get us back on side, it’s cruel really. When I started keeping a record I realised I was getting the exact same apology line for line by text & verbally each time. It was just words, no action or longterm change. He might quit drinking a few days but the excuses soon kicked in again.

That realisation stung but was another helpful step to recognising the true him. Those events you refer to when you did things as a family were the fake him. Yet those are the ones we cling onto.

You say you don’t have the strength but lovely, he’s with you because you ARE strong (they don’t pick weak women), you’re surviving in a difficult environment with no support now so don’t think you can’t do it alone because you already are with the heavy weight of his madness, but that said leaving isn’t a quick thing or right for everyone xx

[Anonymous]

Oh learningtoliveagain I could have wrote this post, the things your partner is saying are exactly the same as my ex did. Looking back I now believe he was testing how much control he had over me – he said sorry, if we did X “like we used to” then things would be different, if I behaved different to support him more in his struggles saying I am the problem, not him, or at the very least we are “both” The problem, so I ended up apologising, thinking I had blown it all way out of proportion and been too harsh on him. Even now I have left (detail removed by Moderator) and its far from over but I try to focus on what my ex DOES and completely ignore what he says. They say so much, promise so much, play the victim, but words without actions don’t mean anything we just get conditioned to believe that their words are the same as actions, if that makes sense?! Anyway my ex went straight back to his old ways, and even worse, every time we had conversations, arguments like this. Its only with no contact am i just starting to see it now, after a long time out. And from your recent post it sounds like your ex has done the same. I want to reassure you that this is not your fault, he is taking no accountability for his behaviour. You are not to blame here, and like others have said you are strong when you feel weak xx

[Chasingthelight]

I still find it hard to believe we are all such in these similar circumstances going round in the same circles. It’s hard to give advice because we all try so many different ways to escape or to just cope with every day. Just knowing we are all in it and that we aren’t waking alone helps, I hope that comforts you too. I used to think of the good times outway the bad then it’s ok but I have got the balance tipped the other way now. I told me partner I no longer want the relationship but I am not moving out and living together because neither will move makes things so difficult when he tries to come close to you in the night and pretend everything’s ok. I’m standing my ground but you know they are going to get to you in the end. In my case not because I love him anymore or that I believe he will change or that I believe he is sorry because mine never says sorry but because he is big and powerful and overpowers me. I think you sound like there are still positives for you and you keep hold of those and like the above post you know your inner voice, listen to your instincts. I agree with previous posts that a councillor might be a good idea, I am starting seeing somebody this week and I hope that helps. Just sad that we have to support our health because of someone else’s issues, it’s all wrong. I would love it if we could all end the cycles and stay strong get out and be safe, no more knowing what’s coming and fearing it xx

[Better-days]

I just feel like I need to jump on this post because I’m still in and the bit in your post chasingthelight about being in the relationship because he empowers u. This is how I feel I don’t love him don’t feel sorry for him don’t believe he will change but absolutely terrified I put my kids at more risk and my family if I leave. I have had a c**p day too feeling very suffocated. Looking at my kids and my heart aches that I can’t give them a normal family unit. I overcompensate and shower them with so much love but the guilt kills me some days. I don’t know what my future holds neither of us do we r all just doing our bests to survive. Sending u all big hugs x*x

[Learntoliveagain]

nbumblebee asked if I truly believed he was sorry, I thought I did when he was saying it and he was fighting back the tears, but as I’m writing this, I think he is only saying sorry now because he thinks I’m going to say I’m done.. I can’t do it anymore. I knew deep down he wasn’t going to be able to change by just saying it. That’s why I said I dont know when he asked about trying again. I wanted to say yes but to worried to say it.
After everything he had said and him being nice all day yesterday, he proved that he cant change he started drinking at the end of the night when I said I was going to bed and I didnt kiss him goodnight he started going on, about he thought we was getting on and that I was dragging things out. I tried telling him I didnt want a argument and that i wanted to sleep, but he wouldn’t shut up. Telling me I was throwing everything back in his face 😪
The same thing again tonight, drinking most of the day, getting annoyed with me and my daughter if we didnt agree with. The more he drank the quieter I got, just trying not to p**s him of so he wouldn’t have an excuse to start shouting and stuff.
I really can’t bear the thought of feeling how I feel right now for the rest of my life. Like you better-days the guilt I carry is overwhelming somedays knowing that my children have witness things from a young age, waking up in the morning to doors in the house being punched through etc. I feel so responsible for not leaving years ago.
I think you are so brave chasingthelight to tell him you no longer want a relationship but still live together, I can’t imagine how difficult that is for you.
I cling on to hope that I can find the strength, like Bananaboat and so many other women here, and thank for saying I’m now weak. It’s hard to believe Im anything else.
We do have so very much in common and when you’re on this forum you never feel totally alone. I will try and see if I can get a support worker or counselling as suggested.
Thank you all so much for helping through this weekend xx

[Learntoliveagain]

Typo near the end of my post. It was meant to read “thank you for saying I’m not weak”.
So very sorry Bananaboat if you have already read it and thought I was saying now instead of not.

[nbumblebee]

Sweetie he wont change now you know that right?
Next step?
Gosh I have no clue but once you see you cant unsee and as you have said you dont wanna live like this forever.
When you are ready maybe you could reach out to someone you trust or contact womans aid?
Whatever your steps make sure you take them slow and steady at your own pace. This is your life sweetie yours and only you can step towards freedom.
Much love stay safe xxxxx

[pigeonperson]

Hey Learntoliveagain,

My ex and I actually shook hands on splitting up. He had another partner I’d discovered and I really, really didn’t care. I was glad he’d found a fresh supply. Maybe he would actually leave, finally, to be with her? What I did do, was warn her. That turned out to be a lucky escape for her, but really, really bad for me. She dumped him because of his lies. Angry at my interference, he wanted his cake and eat it. He started sexually harassing me, buying me gifts, intermittently pleading with me to get back together, and abusing me. He was desperate to keep me as his cook/sex slave/domestic slave.

Living as a split up couple was nightmarish. He wouldn’t leave. I ended up having to leave as a matter of emergency, but it took many, many months to do so.

I was lucky we didn’t have any pets: he’d seen to that earlier. My kids were a lot younger then than they are now, so it went without saying that they were happy to come with me. It’s so hard when they are older and become torn, want to stay in the house they’re accustomed to, with their pets.

I read stories sometimes of teens, desperately asking advice, trying to sort out their parents’ broken marriages, asking advice on how to stop their dads abusing their mums. Reading those stories is heartbreaking and I always advise them to reach out to their local Domestic violence team.

Women have successfully divorced and been able to stay in the home with the kids and pets. I personally found a new start healthier for my mental health, as I wouldn’t have coped living within the four walls of the home where the abuse happened, but when I was still there, I just wanted him to leave. He was never, ever going to.

They find joy in making our lives as difficult as possible.

Reaching out to women’s Aid’s helpline or your local domestic violence team would be a great option. I would talk to the kids about your (plural) right to live free from domestic abuse and ask if they need counselling and other support. Domestic abuse absolutely wrecks the heads of children living in that proverbial pressure cooker.

It’s scary, I know. It’s terrifying. But it’s better than living with the permanent fear of what he’ll do next. Your children can fly the nest eventually. You don’t have to stay with their dad for their sake.

My eldest son has PTSD from the abuse he suffered because of witnessing DV, but my youngest is okay, because I left when he was very young.

He will never change. You have the right to a life free from abuse.

Legal Aid is still available for divorce for women in your situation.

[Learntoliveagain]

Thank you all so much for your incredible support and advice. When I read your posts I feel brave and when I’m not at home I feel so much stronger and that I tell myself I can do this. All I need to do is say “I don’t want to try, it’s not going to work” and just except what happens next, but know it will eventually get better.
Then I sit in the room with him and I can’t get the words out. I just sit in a panic and say nothing.
He’s back to not really talking to me, but I’m waiting for the mood to change, I can feel it coming. You all know that feeling, when your instincts are telling you to try and cheer them up, just make them happy before the c**p happens.
I need to try and talk to my local women’s aid but I can’t do it during the day when I’m working and their phone lines aren’t open at the weekends. I will and find a way though x

[Gerbil]

Dear Learntoliveagain
I understand honey exactly how you feel. I have been where you are and just wanted to reach out to you. I am now further on in my journey than you but it has taken me a long long time. I’m not out yet ,but nearly. I followed all of the amazing advice from folks on here. I read lots and started to understand the cycle of abuse. I spent a long time reading posts on here. ( I wasn’t very good at posting though). I then contacted my local DA centre. They have been so supportive and got me counselling sessions. I started to become stronger. I have contacted a solicitor and taken legal advice. I have told friends what I have been going through for years and years. I did tell him a while back how unhappy I was. He cried and told me he would change. Since then he has been the perfect husband but in the past few weeks, I see little signs of the normal him coming through. Because of my reading I know he won’t change. And so I have sorted somewhere to go. But this post is not about me…I just wanted to give you some hope that there can be light at the end of this b****y dark tunnel.x

[Learntoliveagain]

Thank you for posting a message Gerbil, it really does help just knowing so many of you have got out of your relationship even though it has been incredibly hard.
I dread going home at the moment, still no shouting or losing his temper, I’m not even getting the totally blanking silent treatment.
He’s only speaking when I speak to him, the rest of the time he’s just sitting on his phone or watching the TV, looking like he will burst in to tears at any point. Helpng out around the house, I know I have nothing to feel guilty for, but…… he is making me feel so low right now.
(detail removed by Moderator), so I have no excuse to stay out of our bed, and I’m starting to panic, I don’t want to sleep with him.
It sounds like the only really way to end this and to be able to move on is to move out because he isn’t going to.

[Eyeswideopen]

So sorry you are feeling like that and we’ve all prob have been through similar, feeling stuck and afraid, dreading starting any conversations about separating…
My ex would threaten with divorce every so often, and I always calmed things down, apologized (for nothing) as I never believed in threats, I take what I say seriously and wouldn’t say if I didn’t mean it.
However when I said I wanted to divorce, he acted as if it came out of nowhere, as he obviously obly said before as a way to control and abuse me, he never meant it. He then went all nice to get me to back down, then stopped eating, said would kill himself, became violent… anyway, used all he could think of but I didn’t back down and I’m almost at the finish line.
It’s so so so hard but keep the eye on the prize. Even if things ain’t perfect for me yet (are they ever!) It’s so much better than my life when I was trapped with him…
Good luck x*x

[Learntoliveagain]

Hi Eyeswideopen, I think my husband reaction to spliting up/divorce would be the same. Implying he had nothing to live for now, just knowing I would worry about him when he was at work. Then if that wasn’t working the nasty side of him would appear. He just wouldn’t be able to help himself, especially after he has been drinking.
I know I’ve allowed him to treat me so badly for decades, but surely he must of had times when he thought I might just be brave enough to say, no more.
Trying to stay focus and trying to gain every little bit of strength I can find so I can find my voice and tell him. Just feels right at this very moment it would be much easier to say OK, we can try. This is so frigging hard, the hardest part is since joining this forum I have learnt so much about abuse and love bombing etc, that I know what he is doing yet I’m still allowing him to have the control. I just want to shut myself away and not ever have to think about now or reliving the past 😣
Thank you to all of you for allowing me to ramble on, being able to put my thoughts on here is getting me through each day without caving in xx

[Author]

Posts