Don’t know what to think

[Dawn]

Need someone to talk to and feel like I’m going mad. My current relationship is a mess, always arguing and he scares me, I end up shaking and crying. He is so volatile and quickly angered lately. He’s been like it for months. He says it’s how I am and my behaviour that sets him off. I don’t know what to do or what to believe. Feel like I’m going crazy and that it’s my fault

[Good samaritan]

Have you contacted your local woman’s aid for advice. I found they were the ones that helped me to start processing what had been happening because I believed our relationship was just a toxic one and we simply clashed. The more I have read up on abusive partners the more I am starting to see that I had a lucky escape. I won’t lie it is not easy please look up trauma bonding it has finally helped me realise that I’m a survivor of abuse and I can begin to stop beating myself up asking my self why and blaming myself. Abusers don’t see the person we are. Please go to see your gp also. Mine was fantastic with me and put me in touch with some great people who have had more experience than me. You’re not alone please reach out to help yourself

[Dawn]

I’ve signed up for counselling similar to cbt to help me. I talked to my partner earlier and he says he doesn’t like me being scared but he gets angry with me so quickly and makes me scared that I wonder if he enjoys my response. He says it’s my fault and I’m screwed up

[starryeyed]

Hi Dawn, I don’t think you are screwed up and I don’t think this is your fault. You shouldn’t have to feel scared of your partner, who is meant to be there to support you and be a comfort. I’ve also felt like I’ve been going mad too, I think this is a common way to feel when you are subject to this. Like GoodSamaritan says, if you can call Women’s Aid helpline – leave a message with a safe number for them to call you back on and a good time for you to talk – usually helpline is busy and can’t get through, so I found this the quickest way to get in touch. Also maybe see if you can contact your local Women’s Aid too for some support. They are professionals, will listen to you and help you with what you want and need. Counselling could be good for you, well done on organising that – could give you the space you need to talk and reflect on things? Also if you don’t feel like the counsellor is right for you, you don’t need to tell them anything you don’t want to and you can ask for another one. Take care of yourself and keep posting on here <3

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi Dawn,

Welcome to the forum. It’s very common for abusers to act like that then blame us. It’s very confusing and stops us from seeing the reality of what is happening. Please know that you are not doing anything to cause his abuse, he is choosing to behave that way. My ex used to do the same, sadly I think they do enjoy seeing us scared because it makes them feel powerful. You’re not wrong, or to blame, or ‘screwed up’ or whatever else he says – they all say that kind of thing, deflecting the blame onto us so that they can continue to abuse us and have the power and control over us they crave.

It sounds like you are not in a very safe situation, so give the helpline a call and leave a message if you can’t get through and they will ring you back. They can help you make a safe exit plan. If you do decide to leave, just make sure he doesn’t know your plans. And keep posting for support.

[Dawn]

Will use the helpline thank you. He says I make up the stuff I do or just have nightmares and he doesn’t treat me badly because he doesn’t remember doing it. I wonder is he right or does he actually not remember being aggressive

[SunshineRainflower]

It’s gaslighting, my ex used to do it all the time too. The last time I saw him he threatened me with a raised hand after hours of verbally attacking me, and when I brought it up as a reason why I wanted to end things, he told me I’d imagined the whole thing. You’re not imagining it, you are being abused. The helpline are great and will help you make more sense of it all.

[Good samaritan]

My ex was very intimidating and very arrogant. Always wanted to be centre of attention would never apologise even when he was knowingly and proved wrong. He would stand over me screaming in my face close enough his spit often sprayed into my face. He would blame everything on me saying I was the one with the issues. Since our relationship ended and no contact was forced upon me I’ve literally been a head case because I had become that programmed by him and his manipulation that the advice everyone else was giving about him been an abuser didn’t seem real and I found myself wanting to speak to him more to reassure me I’m not going mad. I won’t deny when the reality kicks in and you start reading more and more about abuse the cases highlighted could have been written about our relationship. He learned a lot about me just by communication online before we even met so he knew my fears and my pleasures and reeled me in Hook line and sinker. He never cared and the person I thought he was in the beginning was just an act. He’s now moved onto his next target who he started grooming and conditioning while we were still been intimate. Very cunning and calculated. Now I’m having to try and rediscover myself away from him and it is hard very hard

[KIP.]

For years I had counselling for a problem that was never mine. No amount of CBT stopped my abuser from abusing me. The mental problems you have are actually mental injuries caused by his abuse. He won’t change. He knows exactly what he does and why he does it. To keep control of you. Seek out counselling with a specialist in domestic abuse. He saves his abusive behaviour for when there are no witnesses. This shows he is perfectly able to control his behaviour when he wants. Abusers are liars. Google Gaslighting.

[Good samaritan]

My ex admitted to having an the affair that I had suspected but not until after I had thrown him out and he needed my help with something. Then when he was rumbled again he denied telling me about it said it was all in my head. He even tried to tell me that me and him had not been intimate after we split up. It was at that point I began to realise he had something seriously wrong with him. Even when he’d attacked me to steel my phone he tried making out it was my fault for not showing him messages. They take no responsibility for their actions at all. It’s mind games which is the most difficult to deal with because it just stuns you to the point you cannot function at all

[Dawn]

Sounds familiar, he took my phone off me last year when I was going to ask a aunty if I could stay there for a while. He sent her messsges pretending to be and told her I was happy and he was amazing instead and took my keys so I couldn’t leave. I keep thinking about leaving but have no where to go. Don’t want to leave my pets with him. Some days he can be really nice and I think maybe it is in my head like he says but then he starts tormenting and putting me down

[Good samaritan]

Hi Dawn

Please don’t suffer for fear of having nowhere to go. I know it can be very daunting but could you Google to see if there is a local woman’s aid who could assist you without his knowledge may be when he is at work or something. Please don’t put up with it if you are unhappy. Thankfully my house was mine so I made him leave and my dog stayed with me. If you can try and put a bit aside each pay day so that if the day comes that you can’t take anymore you’ll at least have a little nest egg to fall back on to help you. Also reach out to citizans advice or Shelter and explain to them what’s been happening and how you feel xx

[Author]

Posts