Don't know where to go from here

[Oleg]

Hi all

I’m new to this forum, so please all bear with me.

Where am I now? Well I left my ‘relationship’ in (detail removed by moderator), when I was removed from the property for the safety of my daughter and myself. I knew from a year into my relationship that something was wrong, he became mentally abusive and always blamed his temper on his heritage. I had a number of years being told everything was my fault and my depression made me a waste of space, nobody else would want me and nobody cared about me. I eventually began to believe this. Things then escalated and he got violent and he attacked me on two occasions. (Police have not done anything)

When I first left, I got the whole, I’m in hospital I need you, I was getting messages from friends saying no one had seen him and were worried – ignored them all and then got voicemails from him telling me that I didn’t care he was missing and how I ignored his friends messages. Fake profiles, messaging me wanting to be with me. Activating an old dating profile on a dating website and then kicking off saying I was trying to meet someone. Things eventually settled when police warned him about harassment. Now less than (detail removed by moderator) later he seems to of moved on although I am not sure the relationship is real and it’s not just fake (but when I found out it hurt my own fault I’ve had no real contact from him but went on his twitter and saw the pic – even though he is blocked I can view his tweets)

It’s all started up again, getting messages from fake profiles, telling me what he is up to. I’m reading and blocking before I read the messages, only see first few lines on social media.

He hasn’t seen our daughter since we split, (detail removed by moderator) and the likely hood is he won’t get access (S.S are not recommending any access)

People try and understand how I feel, and although they show empathy I don’t think they really know what I’ve been through

How do I move on? When he appears to of and I’m still dealing with the repercussions of his behaviour (daughter is suffering but slowly getting there) and I still feel so uncomfortable around men and if a man is critical of me. I fall apart. Sometimes I feel so alone and just want someone to talk who understands (Don’t get me wrong I have amazing friends and family) My work know what’s going on and they are being as understanding as possible, but keep asking me what I want them to do when I’m having a bad day. There is nothing they can do. I’m going to have bad days my whole life has been turned upside down

I’m really sorry my first post is a massive rant.

Random question – Why did you pick your profile name? I picked Oleg because as many times as he’s knocked down, he builds himself back up and I see that as an inspiration

[Lisa]

Hi Oleg,

Welcome to the Forum and thank you for sharing with us. It must have taken a lot of courage to reach out so I hope you find the support you are looking for here.

I am sorry to hear of the abuse you have been through and how his abusive behaviour has continued since the end of the relationship. You are doing so well to deal with it all and to be so strong for your daughter.

Have you had counselling or any support from a support group? Local support groups can offer ongoing emotional and practical support. You can find your local group here. Calling the 24hr National Domestic Violence Helpline (0808 2000 247) can also help. The Helpline Workers can listen to you, discuss options based on your circumstances and signpost you to other helpful services.

Keep posting to us when you can. Offloading on here to other Survivors can really help.

Once again, welcome to the Forum!

Best wishes,

Lisa

[EeyoreNoMore]

Hey hun, welcome.

As Lisa says, counselling is a good place to start. Either thru GP or Women’s Aid ((who I’ve found amazing).

As for username, well Eeyore is the blue one in the corner. I’m determined to be more Tigger!

[Oleg]

Hey

I’ve had cognitive behavioural therapy which was organised through work. I’m signed up to start counselling in November as well. I did start a course for domestic violence as well but I had to stop it because i moved house. I tried to get involved with my local once but got no responses to my emails when i tried to contact them.

I’m sure you can become more like Tigger and less like EEyore

[Oleg]

Hey

I’ve had cognitive behavioural therapy which was organised through work. I’m signed up to start counselling in November as well. I did start a course for domestic violence as well but I had to stop it because i moved house. I tried to get involved with my local once but got no responses to my emails when i tried to contact them.

I’m sure you can become more like Tigger and less like EEyore

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi Oleg,

Welcome to the forum 🙂 I was not totally sure from reading your post but is your ex currently harassing you? If so report any incidents like this to the police. If he’s already been given a harassment warning I believe he can be arrested. Write down dates and times and what happened so you have a document to show the police if needed, I had to report my ex for harassment too and it was so helpful being able to prove it with sreenshots of the texts, calls and details of what had happened etc.

The counselling should really help you heal and rebuild, it is very hard but you’re on the right path. Go no contact so you’re not checking his social media, it will only make you feel worse. It will all be fake anyway, abusers know how to put on a good show. Any new relationship he has will just repeat the same depressing cycle of idealise-devalue-discard (or honeymoon period – tension building – abuse) round and round as these men never learn or change so although it might look all rosy on the outside, behind closed doors his new partner will sadly be in for abuse too.

I chose my name because it reflects how both sunshine and rain grow flowers, ie. we need both the good and the bad in life to grow and create beauty.

[lover of no contact]

Hi Oleg,

Great meaning for your name. Its true we have to keep getting back up, no matter what life throws at us.

Welcome to the Forum. Keep posting and reading the posts on here and you will definitely process a lot of feelings and move on. Moving on is a process and takes time but our experiences that we share can help a lot. And likewise your experience, thoughts and feelings will help us. We ladies on here understand as perhaps few others can. We’ve may have different stories but all our abusers’ seem to have gone to the same abuser school lol, and use the same tactics and even identical put-downs etc. We’ve all been told we’re mad and crazy and its all our fault and that thye wouldn’t have to do a,b,c,d and get so mad if we didn’t do this, that and the other.

I chose my name because it was like the greatest gift in the world to hear it was ok (even essential) to go No Contact with someone who was hurting you. I had strong Christian beliefs and was reared on forgive no matter what, love your enemy and turn the other cheek etc. So when I heard it was ok to go No Contact , this tactic set me free and took away any guilt I had for blanking another person.

[Author]

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