Don’t know where to go from here

[searchingforhope]

I’m separated a short enough time and he has given me no space at all to just try figure things out.
The red flags I have started to see over the last (detail removed by moderator). I have good help and support behind me which is great, but like I’ve said here before I’m the only one that can do this, I’m the only one who can push forward.
He loves me he misses me he wants to try again, keeps asking will I fight for our family and our past time together.
I feel like I’m being cornered and being sucked back in. I was determined a while back that it was over and I wanted to it over. Whereas now it doesn’t seem so clear. Is that the FOG that is spoken about here?
My mother and friend who I speak to the most are worried about me that my body won’t continue to take this stress. That concerned my greatly a while back too and still does, but it’s like now I feel helpless I feel there is no way out, he will keep tormenting me. He threatens to fight for the kids if I end this. What kept me from finally separating for so long was not bearing to be apart from the kids for any time at all? I realised that for my sanity and wellbeing I couldn’t go on as unhappy as I was and deserve a happy future and if that’s the huge sacrifice I must make for that so be it. Haven’t been able to organise a proper routine of access with the kids because he is so difficult and his accomodation won’t allow the kids over. When I try and plan he tells me (detail removed by moderator).
He seems to be so selfish and all about himself and twists everything back to him. I’m questioning myself now have I got that all wrong. The self doubt and the guilt and the confusion is eating me up. I find anxiety is increasing at a much more rapid rate than before.
The sad thing about it is that if this was someone else I know what I would say to them. But why is it so hard to see that myself? I know I’ve come along way, but can’t give myself credit for it. I know I should trust my gut and I can’t seem too. My mind seems to be so loud with voices and confusion.
The kids seem to be coping and they were always my primary concern, but I’m still nearly caving for him.
He says if we try again and it doesn’t work he will accept it. But then he also said before if I wanted to separate he would respect my decision. He hasn’t. He wants credit and brownie points for moving out of the house and leaving me hear with kids. It seems to be all about praise and ego with him. He stopped helping round the house (which only started in the last (detail removed by moderator)) because I didn’t see it or recognise him for it. When do I get thanked for the laundry or getting dinner or always getting up to the kids at night or taking kids everywhere. I love my kids and my family and I have huge guilt for working full time and trying to have to make up for that as best I can, so want to do everything I can for them. He has turned that on me by saying he left me to do the kids stuff as he knew that I wanted to. That he would gladly do it. That seems to be his story now, his spin on things. That is not what it felt like to me for years. There always seemed to be other more important things to do first.
I’m being pushed into a discussion with him this weekend to talk about things and if I want to try again.
I just want to wave a magic wand and run away from this all, but not run away, I want my life without the complication of him and his negativity and intimidation. Its not physical but the emotional torment is horrendous and he’s making out he’s doing his best and tried doing nice things and have them all thrown back in his face (againt he praise and recognition wanted). making out I’m the problem and why can’t I put the past behind me and try again.

I feel stuck and lost and like there is no escape. There is no easy way out and I just don’t know what to do next.
I’ve rambled a long time now, so not sure who will even read this. But at least its a bit of an offload, ahead of what will be a tough few days. I need all the help I can get

[KIP.]

The FOG of abuse is the Fear Obligation and Guilt that abusers use to trap you. They are liars and manipulators and will gaslight you until you lose your mind. Absolutely zero direct contact is how to go forward. Use a third party or old phone for text messages only re kids. Contact is toxic and keeps you hooked into the crazy so step back from the crazy.

[searchingforhope]

Thanks, like I have seen that advice here so many times. I get it I really do. But doing it would be so hard and I could see the verbal abuse escalating if I did and afraid of that too.
I’m so tired from it all. But I guess the process of this whole thing is that getting a break to recharge a bit is next to impossible.

[Bananaboat]

If you went back it would be to stop the abuse you’re getting now, which won’t make you happy and won’t make the kids happy. It won’t even make your ex happy as he’ll use the fact you separated against you and as you’ll well know from here, if you go back the abuse will not stop. It might die down for a honeymoon period but it will return and even in that good bit you’ll be waiting for it, worrying about it. It’s tough isn’t it, I’m on the verge of getting my own space and I can’t believe how much I’ve wobbled this week. You shouldn’t have to justify your reasons for wanting to leave, if he disagrees with your reasons, tough they are YOUR reasons. Good luck x

[searchingforhope]

Thanks for your reply. Your advice makes sense. I just need to stay strong, it’s so hard though. I’m so tired from it all now. There is no easy way out. It’s so rotten. Good luck with your own space. I’m dreaming of being content in my own space someday too. Must keep hoping it will happen.

[Twisted Sister]

spot on there from Bananaboat, you do not have to justify anything. He’s dragging you back in with his web of manipulation, and you are fighting to escape it but its sticky webs keep tangling you up till you can’t move! When you can tell yourself that you can ignore his demands for answers all the glue loses its stick and the webs fall away, you will be free to think for yourself and not feel like you have to even pay attention to what he’s saying/demanding, let alone answer. It will make him mad though when he realises he has lost control. You play this how you need to so that all your plans and needs can be put in place first, so there’s no risk when you finally make it clear you’ve stepped out of his webs.

Keep at it, you’ll get there, its just another step forward to get out of his mire.

warmest wishes

ts

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