Don’t know which way to turn

[Jazz]

Just a rant really. Since my injury I have had great support from Womens Aid, their solicitor, and a call from Victim Support which I was a bit surprised by.  (detail removed by moderator) So I should divorce soon. I’m mentally not ready for this yet. I’m old, and feeling older by the day. I had hoped I’d found a companion for my old age.

I go between being tearful and really angry. He is being nice while he waits to hear (detail removed by moderator) but I’m just too angry about all this to care.
I can hear everyone thinking it won’t last and unfortunately I agree.

What is making me really angry though is that most of the problem has been extreme coersive control and bullying until I left. When we got back together I said things had to change and we’d move and make a new start, and they did get better but his view is that because coercive control has only just become illegal it doesn’t count and doesn’t matter because he didn’t know better but because I have thought so much about what happened in the past its brought it all back and I’m kind of reliving it. I’m going to a Freedom meeting (detail removed by moderator). Has anyone had experience of this and how it helps? Thanks for reading. Love and good wishes to everyone. xx

[Starmoon]

I can definitely relate to reliving it. It can be very traumatic at times. There can be so many triggers too. Allot of abused women suffer from ptsd.
It’s hard to prove coercive abuse but it doesn’t make it any less real.
Unfortunately I don’t believe abusive men can change.. especially if they aren’t willing to accept that how they’ve behaved/are behaving is wrong. Allot of ladies on here swear by the freedom program. I haven’t done it myself but I would really like to in the future. It’s so highly recommended because (I think) it helps teach you about what healthy relationship and boundaries should be. I think it probably also helps to physically be able to talk to other women in similar situations. Xx

[Jazz]

Thanks Starmoon, I came back from the meeting even angrier! Hearing other people’s ongoing situations and what they are suffering. I know I have to get out of this relationship to get my head clear. He doesn’t understand why I get upset that he’s told me so many lies about his past, apparently I am too literal and expect everyone to tell the truth all the time when I should know that everyone lies. But he loves me, that’s the truth!!!! I’ve asked him to leave, find somewhere else to live. I said to myself I wont say anything until the house is back in my name. What an idiot I am, now I’m angry with myself because I think he’ll refuse out of spite. Oh well!

[Starmoon]

Everyone doesn’t lie.. I bet you don’t.. I mean yes maybe we all tell the odd white lie and maybe sometimes we’ve lied to our abusers because telling the truth would cause too much distress and sometimes is dangerous.
Abusers lie out of disrespect… and his excuses for why he is dishonest just proves his disrespect more.
Just before my ex and I split, he lied that a relative was dying and he was with them but actually he was drinking and partying away all our money. I caught him out on the lie and he told me it was my fault he’d lied because I was impossible to talk to.. always our fault

[Jazz]

Absolutely so true. it’s always because you did this, said that……. such reworkers of the truth. I’ve been out today and he said I’d come back extremely hostile which wasn’t me!!!!! Now I see realities of our life it’s hard to be anything but. How are you coping Starmoon? X

[Starmoon]

I think it fits under gas lighting? They create situations but then when we react, we are in the wrong. I’d be hostile or upset or annoyed and he’d prod me over why I was acting that way- it was all in my head. I didn’t know in the end if he was gas lighting me or if I was jumping to conclusions and being hyper vigilant because of his previous behavior. It’s a mind field. I’m ok, thank you for asking xx

[Jazz]

Glad you’re ok, as much as we ever can be! I haven’t heard the term gas lighting, I can guess in a way what it means, is it a common expression? In terms of behaviour I mean? Xx

[Jazz]

I have a theory this morning after a mostly sleepless night and id be interested to hear what anyone thinks of it.

I went to a Freedom meeting and it was about children, it was my first meeting and I thought not relevant to me as mine are grown up. I stayed though and the organiser asked how many of you were brought up in violent families and including the organisers everyone put their hands up.

It was really upsetting what we’ve been through ourselves as children and my theory is that we make a conscious decision to date/marry nice men who seem kind and caring so as not to go through the same as an adult and we grow up as people pleasers “keeping the peace” a phrase I remember growing up. So little by little they take advantage, gain their power because we can’t face what they are doing or we are in denial of whats happening. I’m struck by how many women say they didn’t realise they were being abused. Because its not always obvious like mine until you look back. Does it ring any bells with anyone? Love xx

[Starmoon]

Absolutely it does ring bells. We are people pleasers. And gas lighting is a term used in abuse, you should definitely google it. X*x

[Jazz]

Thank you Starmoon I did google gaslighting and I was shocked how comprehensive it is. It certainly applies. I do hope you’ve had a better day today. Stay strong, hugs xx

[Author]

Posts