10th April 2016 at 4:48 pm #13409
The last time I had peace in my heart was when I was 9. But from 10 years old my life has not been very nice.
I was taking into care at 10. And remained there till 18 (leaving with my first born son; father cut out). When I left there I had a big wall around me to keep me safe. After this I was in one DV relationship. I got out of that and still have my wall around me to keep me safe. I was strong and unbreakable at age (removed by moderator)…And then I met another guy…
This guy used me from the start (to live in my flat). But he played the “love” card very well. and within (removed by moderator) months iwas prengnant again. He started cheating and I couldn’t prove it. But things got really bad. Love turned to name calling and tho he cheated I become a “Ho”. He went to jail and this broke my heart. Even tho things wasn’t good promised to stand by him. But, after I had the baby a girl informed me that she use to visit him in my home. And this opened the channel for me to cheat. He was in for (removed by moderator) and we broke up after (removed by moderator) years of me going to see him everyweek.. But he came out and we got back together. And that’s when I lost my strength.
We were together for (removed by moderator) years after. During this time I went thru hell. I was a ho before but now he was different. He would make me tll him the names of the people I dated after. We swapped phone lines so he had all of my calls going to him. nd he was do things like take me out to dinner. But tell me during the dinner that a boy call the phone and now I was going to have to kill him… And things like that… I had made quite a lot of friends (male and female) from (removed by moderator) and my phone use ring quite a bit; I have to lock everyone off.. And die every time my phone rang….
I had moved out to the country side before he got out and I was now alone with him (removed by moderator). During this time I received a lot of violence. I had my jaw broken (during a time that he thought I had been raped and gang banged; I had not, but I get made to strip so he could inspect my body for signs of rape).. During the (removed by moderator) years he made dogs bite me, irons burn me, and made everyone think I was mad. I had to jump out of windows and I spend many time going to the school in sunglasses (even in the rain)..
I managed to get away from him when he had babies with other woman but they couldn’t come to my house. So he choise them (Thank God) and left my house.. But the worst thing he did was take my strength.
But, now i thought i would be better. Its (removed by moderator) years after… But, I feel weak, and lost… I don’t know who I am… I was a strong girl who could get over anything that ever happened to me. But now I cant… Every thing that has happened to me, from care, to now I cant hold back my thoughts or flashbacks… and im think im going to go crazy… I hate men, I hate humans…. Every where I look I see Sociopaths walking around ruling society and everyone wants a piece of a single mother…
I don’t feel like it fit in anywhere… My friends all moved on (and i don’t like going outside much).. Im active on FB and even started a business doing what i love. Everyone thinks im doing so well…But still my heart cries every morning…
10th April 2016 at 7:06 pm #13413KIP.Participant
Hello there, you have been through such trauma and I notice you didn’t mention any councelling? We cannot recover ourselves and if you haven’t already got in touch with Wmens Aid, please ring the helpline. Rape crisis also have a helpline and they were great with me. You sound so strong and have a business which you love which is great. It’s no wonder you feel the way you do. Nobody should have to go through what you went through but you got this far. Don’t be hard on yourself❤️
11th April 2016 at 4:42 am #13437AyannaParticipant
Wow, you suffered too much. My experiences with men are also awful. I have no space in my life for any man anymore. I hate that they want to be right all the time and try to take over. I have never seen a man who has a democratic behaviour. They are not needed and not wanted.
11th April 2016 at 3:01 pm #13473nayukiParticipant
I know some good men but there aren’t many of them. My first boyfriend was overall Ok, but he lacked self confidence and was a liar, trying to build his ego by cheating and deceiving me.
My best friend’s husband is a violent monster but she won’t leave him and she lives in another country. It’s impossible for me to help her. But even my dear sister, the strong woman who had sympathy and advice for everyone, even her perfect partner revealed his real face after she died.. most of my friends who have children are single mums and their partners were terrible. Only one of my friends seems to be in a fine relationship and her partner seks to be a good man, reminds me of my dad, but my father is truly exceptional. Of course he’s not perfect because no one is but he would never hurt anyone.. I don’t know what is wrong with them ..
Can’t really imagine myself with anyone now. I’d like to find someone good but.. can’t imagine trusting anyone again like I used to…
11th April 2016 at 8:59 pm #13507
Hi KIP.. Thank you for your comment. No; I haven’t received any therapy at all. But I also have a problem trusting people with my thoughts. However, I did spend the day looking for counsellors online. I found one for £70 for a meeting to see what help I might require. Im broke right now…
11th April 2016 at 9:06 pm #13511
Hi Anaya and Nayuki,
Thank you for your comments. Sorry to hear you have also been thought a lot (also sorry to you KIP). Don’t know how I can ever love a man again when the longer I stay away from them they make me fell more sick even thinking about it…
Maybe the risk factor is too high.. :-/
11th April 2016 at 9:18 pm #13513SerenityParticipant
I spent a fortune on a private counsellor when he first left.
Then my DV outreach worker signposted me to a DV counsellor. I pay barely anything, donation only. Maybe your area has this.
I wish I had known! Would have saved me a fortune!
11th April 2016 at 10:11 pm #13519AyannaParticipant
Yep, Badmemories, I see abusers everywhere. They are so easy to identify. The concerning fact is that most of them are abusers in hiding, wolves in sheepskin, but not for me anymore. I see through their masks.
Life without a man makes much more sense. I get myself together again, I make plans, I follow my plans, I achieve. Nobody belittles me and holds me back. Whatever misfortune I suffer it is between me and my misfortune. All successful people experience a lot of setbacks. But they never give up. I can do this now. I can fail and get up again, keep trying and improving. Nobody judges me anymore. I follow my path without a man. My brain becomes clear and all the clouds go away.
I feel my confidence building up in tiny steps. Every little success I have is a piece in the puzzle to find my confidence again. And it is all between me and myself, undisturbed.
I learn to love myself and that is all I want. I have no love for anybody else ever again.
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