This topic contains 8 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by  gettingtired 2 weeks, 3 days ago.

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  • #114902
     Sande 
    Participant

    Recently my partner found an excuse to physically hurt me. I can’t really state more than that without giving too many details. He hurt me but I’m physically ok and there are no marks.

    Afterwards I cried for a very long time and he verbally abused me for doing so.

    None of this has been mentioned since because that’s the way it is here. There used to be apologies and a few times even gifts and flowers but that died off quickly. Now he just acts like it’s never happened. Does anyone else have experience of this? I thought abusers go through an apologetic phase but mine skips right past.

    If I bring it up I very much risk it happening again so I dont.

    The real problem is since then he keeps asking to hug me. More so than ever before. Hes not been physically into me for ages (it started as a way of sort of insulting me but now thats just how it is). When he asks to hug me, if I dare risk an explosion or sulk, I say no. If I’m alone with him, I risk the consequences.

    But now hes started asking in front of the children and I cant risk an explosion or a sulk in front of them, so I have to let him. A couple of times he’s even kissed me in front of them. So far I’ve managed to turn my cheek and frantically gloss over the moment with laughing or false cheer.

    What’s scary is the involuntary physical reaction. I literally flinch or shudder or grimace. I cant stop it. I try to hold myself completely still and impassive but I cant.

    Worse, I’m having quite serious fantasies of pushing him off or even being quite violent. I am not violent, I dont think I’ve ever hit someone, but I want to push him away and keep pushing until he never, ever tries to touch me again. I even found myself contemplating objects on my bedside table, in case I actually do need to get him off me.

    I have spoken to Womensaid (I fear he suspects I was up to something as the excuse I gave for being away wasn’t superb) and I am clear that there is a trauma reaction here but it scares me. And I’m sick to the back teeth of being scared.

  • #114903
     Scapegoat 
    Participant

    I hope you’re okay, living in fear is not good for you or your children but completely understand it’s not that simple. Are you ever able to talk to him, tell him how he’s made you feel? They don’t like to be put on the spot and will go to great lengths to flip it all around on you.
    Channel your anger into something positive. I understand how you feel, but you’ll only end up feeling guilty as you have a conscience. I went through a phase of hitting myself in the head as I got so frustrated by his treatment of me. All it did was give me a sore head and him the excuse to call me a n****r.
    Mine never apologises, in fact instead I’m subjected to hours of being talked at, berated, telling me how it’s all my fault- if only I did as I’m told, if only I didn’t answer back, if only I made more of an effort, if only I wasn’t so selfish…you get the picture.
    Now he knows I want to leave and is relentless in his methods. He tries to make out I’ve attacked him after him pushing and shoving me around and me finally snapping and pushing my way past him. He even has an excuse for spitting in my face. But he can’t understand why I don’t continually pay him compliments, shower him with affection and want to throw myself at him. Tried explaining it to him but might as well stick my head in the oven as he turns everything around.
    If he comes to cuddle me (very rare now) I flinch, freeze and must look completely uncomfortable. So his interpretation of that is I’m sleeping with someone else, which he consistently accuses me of despite me never going out.
    I’ve had enough of being constantly worn down, threatened, hurt, intimidated and feeling exhausted. I’m scared to come out of the bedroom once home from work and I’m sick to the b****y back teeth of it. This man is a massive baby and just wants some glorified w***e to tend to all of his needs. He doesn’t work but apparently I’m the one using him!😂 unfortunately I’m too scared to leave, too scared to ask for help and to scared to involve the police due to the intimidating threats that he regularly makes.
    Good luck, be strong and take care 💕

    • #115009
       Sande 
      Participant

      Hi @scapegoat – thank you for replying. I’m so sorry youre going through similar.

      A lot of what you say is so familiar. If I try to explain anything to mine, indeed he tries to flip everything around and I may as well bang my head against a brick wall. Another non-apologiser too. Where is the guilt? Surely there must be some?

    • #115017
       gettingtired 
      Participant

      Oh gosh, mine is like a big baby too, always a victim in some way because he feels ill or didn’t sleep well/had nightmares or is feeling sad/anxious etc etc. I feel bad saying that because he has been on anti depressants before and is trying to seek a bit of counselling but even the counsellor he spoke to was rubbish apparently so that was all negative 🙄 like you I’m so scared of leaving but exhausted staying x

  • #114917
     KIP. 
    Participant

    In the beginning when they try to hook you back in, you get the love bombing but eventually the contempt and entitled behaviour from him meant he couldn’t even be bothered with the apology and the gifts. That was the cycle of abuse but when it just gets to nasty it’s soul destroying. It’s interesting that you remember the gifts after the abuse and not the abuse. It’s psychological warfare. He trying to normalise his behaviour now, like it was no big deal and we hug and move on. Now he’s traumatised you and taught you that crossing him is futile. It’s brain washing. Abusers are really tuned into our reactions and they learn. So he now knows to use the children to get compliance from you. You’re trapped with an intimate terrorist and it only gets worse. He’s changing you into the person he wants. He’s abusing you to make himself feel you and you are losing yourself. But there is hope and help so keep reaching out x building a support network away from him. Knowledge Is Power. KIP x

    • #115011
       Sande 
      Participant

      Hi @kip you always sound so wise!

      Contempt is the right word. His actions all convey it. Even my physical presence is contemptible- I’m always “in the wrong plce” or “in the way” or my facial expression is “wrong”.

      I guess what he wants is someone completely cowed by him. I loathe him for it.

  • #114918
     KIP. 
    Participant

    Watch him trample your boundaries when you ask him not to touch you. Dominating someone will break their confidence.

  • #114919
     Watersprite 
    Participant

    Oh goodness so much of what everyone has said could have been written by me. Sande keep reaching out to women’s aid and getting a plan to leave in place. Scapegoat I was you – now I’m free it’s been difficult but you should not be terrified in your own home. Don’t let him know anything and please please reach out for support you will get help He is a bully and an abuser it is so scary to leave but it doesn’t sound safe to stay x Get support leaving is the most dangerous time but there is life the other side. Kip thank you there is a lot in your posts that helps me understand and get my head straight now I am safe. We are all so brave.

    • #115012
       Sande 
      Participant

      @watersprite you’re out? That gives me real hope. I dont have time to reply to you properly -he’s begun lurking- but just reading that someone recognises these traits but is out, lifts me x

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