28th January 2016 at 3:50 pm #8522
Thank you all so much for your support yesterday. It was a hard day and I managed to stay safe and we are now back safely in refuge. 😀
I just don’t get this rollercoaster ??
I still don’t feel emotions – I was so composed yesterday and feel disrespectful for feeling this way at my foster dads funeral.
I still don’t feel anger or sad about whole situation we are in. I am still emotionlesss like he has made me
Crazy but for the first time yesterday I missed him…. How can I ??
He is sooo back in my head saying I need to sort this out and both me and my daughter need to move back home.
I need to take responsibility for my daughter
If I go to the police the only person I will be hurting is her ! 😢😢😢😢
He is making me feel so guilty and maybe he has changed? Or maybe he will leave us alone if we move back??
I am thinking about moving back to the home (he says he has moved out)
[Detail removed by moderator] was his opportunity to get me and he didn’t so mayb I should just trust what he is saying ??
Sorry to go on again , just don’t know what to do x*x
28th January 2016 at 7:07 pm #8532
Please stay in the refuge.
Never forget why you left.
If you want to do a good thing for your daughter show her how to be strong and live a life without an abuser.
Your daughter learns from you. What you do she might repeat in the future.
If you go to the police you will not hurt your daughter. It will be hard, but the right thing can never be wrong.
Always remember: An abuser does NEVER change!
28th January 2016 at 7:53 pm #8536
Thank you for your reply – it’s sooo hard this rollercoaster at mo, can’t believe I was thinking about going to the police and now DO Not feel strong enough at mo.
Think it’s because I’ve finally almost physically healed and not been hurt for a few weeks.
Do you really think they don’t change?
He has apparently started counselling and hasn’t actually found me yet.
Still txing and sending pics and said he thinks we need a conversation tonight !!
I’ve opened the wine in preparation 😢
I have done so much to protect my little girl but I feel like I’m going backwards, back to doing things when I lived with him and feel a distance is being created between me and my little girl .
Just having a mass wobble and trying to do the best for everyone .
So sorry – I promise I hear everything you are saying xx
28th January 2016 at 9:44 pm #8538
Well done for getting through a hard week.
I wish I could say they realise what they have done and regret it and make amends. This was a dream I held for decades, I was sure if I surrounded him with love he would realise and change. But as time moved on he only became worse, if I hadn’t kept giving him just one more chance I would have been abuse free for a long long time.
We all have wobbles, and when we have a lot of stress their controlling ways take away the issue of having to make decisions is one less thing to think about.
Don’t listen to his lies next time you might not get out alive.
28th January 2016 at 10:38 pm #8539
I feel like he’s said all the right things tonight !!
I’ve agreed to move back to our house and he will live elsewhere and I will lie to ss about everything –
I’ve also agreed to meet him at the wkend !!
What am I doing !!
I stil love him though and he has promised not to hurt me x
28th January 2016 at 10:59 pm #8542one day at a timeParticipant
You are on a rollercoaster and he is taking advantage of your vulnerability.
When you feel like giving in, focus on your daughter. She needs safety, security and love too. Only you can give it to her.
Don’t be taken in by his lies.
It is so hard to ignore him, but no contact is the best way to keep safe. And when you are safe, your daughter is safe.
You are both precious and deserve so much more than the life he has forced you into.
Keep safe, use the support around you and slowly rebuild your life for you and your child.
You can do this! Xxxx
28th January 2016 at 11:32 pm #8547DaisyParticipant
It’s ok for you to still love him, just love him from a safe distance until your heart has had a chance to catch up with what you head is already working out.
They are really good at SAYING the right things, doesn’t mean they do them though does it.
And as for that promise, well you know him best, guess there’s been many a broken promise before too though moon hasn’t there.
If you decide to return home, you need to get a court order in place for your protection PRIOR to your return and you need to be stronger so you have a chance to use it when needed.
I’m not even going to say if needed rather than when because of the severity of the abuse you have suffered,
Think for just a minute, is that really the way any decent partner should treat someone, sadly you know it’s not.
And if someone has treated the mother of their child like that ever, is it likely to just stop ,just like that ?
He’s managed to manipulate you into agreeing to do what he wants, what protects him and what puts you in a very weak and unsafe position,
Your strength lies with you staying where you are,
Of course he wants you to lie, moon
And then you watch he will use that lie to his advantage.
keep to the truth moon, you know it, he knows it, and SS have a way of finding out about it anyway.
hang on in there where you are, and unlearn putting his wishes or commands before your safety,
X x x
29th January 2016 at 12:11 am #8549StarmoonParticipant
Hi moon. I don’t know your story, but you must’ve had your reasons for leaving. Please don’t trust his lies again and don’t lie to ss because of his say so. Focus on your daughter and stay safe xx
29th January 2016 at 12:13 am #8550
Hi Moon, you need to block his number. Just think of all the women who are killed every year by their partners. He might build a trap for you. When you go back he knows where to find you and your daughter. Even your child might be in severe danger and you are not aware of it.
Please, reconsider what you do and stay in the refuge.
Absuers never ever change! They manipulate everyone around themselves. He may even be super nice to everyone and start maltreating you in the home and nobody will believe you until it is too late.
There is a better life out there without an abusive man. You can do it!
Stay where you are, block the phone. Speak to the Helpline before you leave the house next!
29th January 2016 at 12:34 am #8552SavingmyselfParticipant
Moon you must want your daughter to be protected
Real abusers are vengeful and abuse can get worse after you have left them
He is no different than all of our abusers they don’t change and we can’t change them
After all he that he has done to do you really trust his promise
They don’t abuse you if they love you.
Be safe Moon please let’s us know how you are as we will all be worried about you
Big hugs xx
29th January 2016 at 9:47 am #8561LisaMain Moderator
I just wanted to show you some support. Please stay strong and do not return to the abusive relationship that very realistically could hurt you and loose your daughter. You say that more than anything you want to keep her safe and by going to the refuge you really are doing that, but by returning you would not. It is likely that he would report your lies to social services and you would end up loosing your daughter. He will use the fact that you have lied to social services to keep you in line and keep you trapped in the abusive relationship even if you choose that you want to leave again. Social services would think that you are putting your relationship with a dangerous abuser over your child’s welfare and may well consider taking her in to care. Its a very distressing and serious prospect and we all want that not to happen.
In my professional experience abusers do not change. I wish I could say otherwise. In fact, abuse escalates after returning to an abuser as he will want to punish you. He is still abusing you and manipulating you to make you think speaking to the Police will hurt your daughter, no, speaking to the Police will protect your daughter! He is in your head because you are keeping up contact with him so he is using that contact to continue to erode your confidence. Please block his number and be honest with the refuge workers about the conversations you have had and how you are feeling. They will know how to support you. You and your daughter deserve to be safe and quite simply if you return to him that will not be possible. Please stay strong and block contact.
29th January 2016 at 2:00 pm #8571Confused123Participant
Please be careful, i wouldnt recommend lying to s s incase they find out, can u not tell s s what he has agreed and get something in writing that he will not be living there
29th January 2016 at 5:27 pm #8588
Talks cheap I know a lovely lady that had her child taken away because she went back and it wasn’t safe.
You and your daughter deserve so much more.
He has condition you, please stay strong and safe
29th January 2016 at 7:08 pm #8592
Thank you so much for your honest replies. – I know you are all so right but it’s so so hard at the moment.
I hate this rollercoaster that I’m on and I really Am having a massive wobble right now.
More than anything I want to keep my daughter safe but he has made me feel like o have done the wrong thing by taking her away.
I would sacrifice myself for her !
All I wanted was a few days to have a proper think but now I feel he has me again .
Am really going to try and be strong this wkend and have no contact and then see how I feel.
This journey is so much harder than I tonight.
Been gone 3wks today x*x
Feels like it’s been so much longer xx
29th January 2016 at 7:35 pm #8593lover of no contactParticipant
Well done Moon for making it to 3 weeks. You are right the way forward as Lisa says is no contact, that way you will become stronger and he will become weaker. Remember the bleach incident. He physically and mentally hurt and tried to scar you by using bleach as a weapon to hurt you. That was a horrific thing to do. As the other ladies say, ignore his words (words are easy to utter), look at his behaviour of hurting you with bleach. Our abusers don’t love us, in fact in order for bullies to bully they have to have contempt for the person they are bullying. Remember his looks of hostility and contempt (my abuser had that look towards me), that is really how he feels about you. The other part of his personality where he says he loves you is fake. He has learnt how to show that side of his personality to get what he wants, that is his victim (you) to go back into the relationship so he can hurt you. He wants power and control over you. He has broken you in, easier for him to work on you than for him to go to the trouble of finding a new victim ‘to control’.
Always do the opposite to what they say and want. That’s my rule of thumb as my abuser’s wishes are never in my best interests, always his.
Don’t do what he says. Stay in the refuge, keep speaking your truth to ss and keep posting we are here for you no matter what you decide.
29th January 2016 at 9:50 pm #8600
Hugs Moon xx
Though your doubting yourself you are doing so well.
Its an awful feeling, like going cold turkey, but stay strong, keep talking to use and your support network. We are all routing for you xx
29th January 2016 at 10:04 pm #8601
Thank you all so much
Without you knowing it – you have most prob kept me alive and safe with your support – I know I’m dicing with death at mo but just so want things to be ok but I really feel like I am falling into trap.
So going to try and keep strong!!
I’ve found that I’ve gone back to doing things that I done at home 😢😢😢xx
29th January 2016 at 11:38 pm #8605
Hi Moon, sending you big hugs! Please stay strong! You do not need him! Be proud of yourself that you got out and brought your daughter and yourself into safety. That was a huge step and you would never want to reverse this. Do not look back. Block his number. When you have no contact at all you will find that it is easier to focuse on your new life and to actually progress. The longer you do not hear from him the stronger you will get. Make him a faint memory.
You are now in charge. Start enjoing it. xxxxx
29th January 2016 at 11:49 pm #8607
Mi am trying so hard to stay focused – just miss him at mo but don’t know why when all he done to me was hurt me inside and out!!
It’s so nice to feel safe and I want this feeling to go on forever and I’m only worse when I have contact but it’s what I know – if wants something he will get it !!
We were doing so well until he took advantage of this week and sounds rubbish but …..
He had me at hello 😢😢
29th January 2016 at 11:50 pm #8608
Ps I now think last night was a trap !!!
So annoyed with myself for falling for it !! 😢😢😢xx
30th January 2016 at 12:20 am #8610
It is ok. You did not go. All what counts is that you thought about what to do and you did the right thing: you did not obey him.
Can you see how much in charge you are already of your own life?
You will become increasingly confident making your own decisions and staying away from him.
Think of all the positive things that you can achieve by staying away from him, make plans for your future, make a plan what you want to achieve for yourself and your daughter, in six months, in a year, longterm,…
I found tick lists very helpful.
I thought of what I wanted to do with my life and I found a few very nice things that I wanted to do and now I have the opportunity … finally.
I am sure you too had dreams once. Remember your dreams again, who you wanted to be before you met him ….
There is so much to do, that there is no space for abusers in our lives 🙂
Stay safe! Stay strong! xxxxx
30th January 2016 at 9:14 am #8624
Thank you so much for helping keep strong . I just feel that he gets me back to a point where he has me and then that’s it all my plans and strength goes.
I know what’s right and wrong but it’s so hard xx
Really going to try with the no contact this wkend x*x
Sorry if have been going in sat few days.
30th January 2016 at 12:44 pm #8634katieloveParticipant
It is so hard. We all know how hard it is. No contact is also very hard but it does really work with helping you feel like you again. Maybe you could give your phone to someone else to pass to you if you get a phone call and keep it if it is from him. At least this way when he starts hassling you or sending horrible messages (which he will) someone else can deal with it until you feel strong enough. You are the only person your daughter has – you must protect her and yourself. You have obviously been in foster care so know how important it is for someone to have a mum they can rely on.
Please stay safe and enjoy time with your little girl. It will soon be spring where everything is about fresh starts.
Take care and although I don’t often post, I constantly read posts and check how people are.
KL x x x
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