Dont understand?

[Alittlelost]

Im not sure if i dont understand abuse because of my disabilities or if i just dont want to understand or want to believe its true and its a self defense mechanism denial maybe. I dip in and out of thinking i know its a yes he is abusing me or its a no he isnt.

Im sorry if i come across bit confusing. Someone mentioned trauma bonding yesterday so i looked it up and that is very possible for me. I was abused as a child then i met my boyf soon as i had chance to leave my childhood abuser. I could of swapped one for another i dont know.

Im sorry if im being so confusing. My head is a mess. I cant decide, i dont know who to talk to, who i can trust and who i cant. I fear it going back to a marac meeting if i admit the sex issues are still there. I dont want it taking out of my control.

All i know right now is i am not happy but that i still love him. Maybe not in love but i love him. He was once a good young man i think he has just fallen out of love with me.

I did however think of something he used do at the start that may of been a small red flag. When i got out the shower and walk around my room with no clothes on i would see him put his phone on to silent and try seceratley record videos and pictures of me naked with out my consent. It was pretty obvious but i just pretended i hadnt noticed. I never told him to stop though. I didnt want to embarass him letting him know i knew thats what he had done. Many years later he still has those videos and pictures on his computer. Also ones of me asleep too. I guess i dont mean red flag cos its not that big of deal but if he had just asked if he could take a picture id of said yes.

God i talk so much waffle im sorry.

[KIP.]

Hey it’s good you’re getting this stuff out. Keeping it a secret can be very very damaging. Taking picture and videos without your permission or knowledge is definitely not right, taking naked ones is really bad and probably illegal. How would you feel if a stranger did those things to you. Just because he is your boyfriend doesn’t give him the right to do that. When I’m confused, which is what abuse does to us, I ask myself, would I do that? No I certainly wouldn’t take naked pictures of someone without their permission. I would have more respect for someone. It would be really good to get some counselling in place. You seem to be grasping lots of facts but then you get pulled backwards by his dysfunction voice and actions. Anything he does that makes you feel fear, anxious, uncomfortable, embarrassed, pain, responsible for his action, is a red flag x it’s overwhelming to admit someone we love is actually abusing us so take your time and try to build a good support network around you. Don’t tell him about this site or the support network. It would also do you good to get time away, if you can do it safely. He won’t allow you to leave without hurting you so please don’t tell him anything. Stay safe x

[fizzylem]

It’s an awakening process and thus is confusing for a while, like the brain jumping through channels. It’s a hard pill to swallow for sure seeing yourself as abused and a victim, taken advantage of, played, its awful knowing he is cold and callous and realising I’ve been with living with this man – it conjures up lots of dreadful feelings, understandably we try to push these aside, and he helps us along wth this by casting doubt, you’re mad etc, but, it is also needed, we need to accept these uncomfortable, dreadful emotions, reality, so we can act.

It’s like he’s had you living in a bubble, a bubble he created, to keep you in the dark, it’s like a filter between you and reality; once the filter starts to drop now and then, the channels hop, you start to be able to see things how they really are – the reality. Keep reading and making sense. Once you’ve recognised his behaviours for what they really are there really is no going back. They are master manipulators and play with people perceptions all day long, not just yours, everyones x

[Alittlelost]

Thank you both for your support. Ive literally no idea what to do at this point but i will keep trying to figure it out. If im leaving him it has done by start next year before we renuew our housing contract again.

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