Double standards everywhere

[Indeepindance]

Hi, sorry to be posting again so soon but I am struggling as missing him so much, feeling lonely and worried about myself to be honest.

I need to understand was this another abusive element to my relationship or is it possible he didn’t realise what he was doing.

He hated me asking questions, this caused arguments at the start of our relationship as we were trying to get to know each other and I realised he would happily question me to interrogation level about all sorts but complained if I asked a fraction of those. That got better for a while and he would volunteer information on a level I didn’t need but we agreed at his request to both do that so we knew where each other was for safety for example. He made a real effort but unfortunately if one of us forgot it caused arguments so I suggested we stop having such high expectations as we trusted each other. He didn’t want to remove the rule though so we kept making mistakes leading to conflict.

(detail removed by moderator) I never challenged his reaction as such, just explained sadly that it was a genuine need to know.

This discouraged me from asking questions over time and whilst I know he wasn’t hiding anything, it felt it lopsided in terms of what was acceptable behaviour. I stopped asking him questions unless I absolutely needed an answer as sometimes he would even get annoyed if he didn’t know the answer because I should’ve known he wouldn’t know. I found that very confusing.

He also didn’t seem to get that sometimes people ask something not expecting the actual answer, just speculation (detail removed by moderator)

So by the end I wouldn’t know addresses of where in the country he was but he would know the route I’d taken on foot to the local shop.

Other things I noticed were I was not allowed to interrupt him, but he could interrupt me (because I wasn’t making sense anyway).

I couldn’t decide to just pop out alone or without inviting him. Not even to go to my car to get something, he would present reasons not to go and suggest it could wait. I can’t imagine how that would’ve gone down the other way round.

I wasn’t allowed time out during heated arguments, we had to finish it there and then. But if he needed time he would take as much as he needed and I couldn’t insist he stay to sort it out.

So many more things too many to mention, I just don’t know if he realised as sometimes I was able to make him see and he would correct himself, once it had all calmed down. But I ran out of steam and started reacting so badly each time he had another problem or told me I had one.

Thanks all so sorry again, bad day today xxxxx

[Lisa]

Hi,

Thank you for your post. I’m sorry to hear about your situation. Abusive men have issues around power and control and often the same rules don’t apply to them. He made you feel guilty or nervous about asking normal questions, but he felt entitled to have information about you, to make you feel you had to seek permission and he stifled your voice in this relationship.

Abusive men know exactly what they are doing. They put you down, undermine you, want you to doubt yourself. they never take responsbility for their behaviour or its impact on you. You deserve to feel safe and heard and this cannot happen in an abusive dynamic.

You can access free online courses created by or in partnership with therapists specialising in trauma at Bloom. These courses can be accessed in your own time and at your own pace and cover topics such as trauma, abuse and boundaries.

Take care and keep posting

Best Wishes

Lisa

[Bananaboat]

As Lisa said, he knew. My ex wouldn’t let me go out after he’d got home from work, even if it was to walk the dog or buy groceries. He was never as obvious to say ‘you can’t do that’ but it was subtle and coercive enough – comments, digs, reasons he’d give (which seem daft now I see the full picture), or mood swings/arguments if I did it anyway. So you stop even thinking of it as an option. Similar to you, he could interrupt me whenever but god forbid I did it to him or asked him a question, and same as you he could do/go wherever he pleased for as long as he liked. They’re all so similar. Have you read Lundy Bancroft’s book ‘why does he do that?’ It explains a lot of these more subtle tactics that get us where they want us. It’s also pretty normal to feel crazy at this stage as you’re re-seeing your whole life & relationship through a new lens. Look after yourself x

[Indeepindance]

Thank you both so much, I do feel crazy still trying to make sense of it all. I definitely felt a power imbalance that had got worse towards the end following a brief separation. Probably due to me not wanting to rock the boat and any chance of us sorting it out.

I felt so angry he would make such a fuss about my minor ‘mistakes’ but if I pulled him up on his he would own up but say ‘big deal, I got it wrong but I can apologise because I’m an adult.’ It felt like I was making a fuss over nothing and I was told to calm down.

And yes you’re so right about the entitlement, he knew EVERYTHING about me and the subtlety too, he would say after the suggestion that he wasn’t telling me what to do and that it was up to me, that he was ‘just saying.’ It’s paralysing.

I have started that book and it’s so interesting, he doesn’t quite fit any one profile but some signs are there. I will definitely be looking up those free online courses too, thank you, therapy has been hard to come by.

Xxxxx

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