5th January 2019 at 4:20 pm #70052xxxxhelpxxxxParticipant
I have been reading some pieces about n*******c behaviour and recognise some of it in me!! I have told him to grow up. I give him the silent treatment (mostly because I am too scared/worried to talk) and a few other small things. I am now worried that it’s me that’s the problem. Looking back at my relationship with my now ex husband, I was rubbish at communicating with him too! That relationship never scared me though
5th January 2019 at 4:49 pm #70056KIP.Participant
It’s not you that’s the problem. You’re not a n********t. If you were you wouldn’t be on this forum and you wouldn’t ever admit you could possibly be wrong or guilty of something. I stopped communicating when I realised there was no point. Nothing I could ever say was right and it would be twisted and shoved right back at me with aggression. So yes I suppose you could call it the silent treatment but it wasn’t done as a punishment or a control tactic. It was fear, exhaustion, confusion and just years of being abused.
5th January 2019 at 10:06 pm #70070NannycuddleParticipant
Hello xxxxhelpxxxx 🌸 Agree with KIP. We all have to discover different strategies, survival mechanisms with complex experiences we encounter. Please be gentle on yourself 🌺
5th January 2019 at 11:49 pm #70076IwantmebackParticipant
Help, you are so not a n..c, absolutely 100%, the way you’ve reacted is normal to how he’s been, are you getting pleasures from doing what you’re doing, are you making him crazy, are you making him scared to talk, have opinions. We do what we do to survive, I very rarely start a conversation with my oh, he never listens, or tells me to shh, he’s watching something. I can be speaking to him and then I realise he’s not listening so it drifts off, he never says what was that you were saying, so no my friend you’re not nar….tic in the true sense of the word.
Here’s to the sisterhood💜💜 #21stcenturysuffragettes
6th January 2019 at 9:03 am #70093clementineParticipant
I thought this for a long time. I don’t talk to my husband – not because I’m deliberately trying to stonewall him but because there’s no point – conversations go round in circles and nothing gets resolved. If I say ‘you did this’ he’ll tell me what about all the times I do the same? Even if it’s not true. He’ll tell me I walk all over people. I live in la-la land. I’m too sensitive. I think any minor disagreement is a full scale argument. He tells me no one cares about me and my family don’t bother with me. And so on. So I just don’t bother talking to him. My whole body gets flooded with fear and adrenaline – I swear you’d be able to see my heart beating just by looking at me.
He uses his size to intimidate me – either standing over me or being above me insome way when he starts on me.
I walk away from him all the time because it just starts getting heated or because I know the kids are still awake upstairs and he’ll have a go at me that I’m immature and this is why nothing gets sorted – because I refuse to talk to him. He’ll storm upstairs when I’m getting the kids ready for bed demanding to talk and I’ll say no, I’m sorting the kids, now’s not the time. And he’ll yell at me that I never want to talk.
I do avoid talking to him because he changes the subject so often I end up feeling like I’ve had the rug pulled out from under me. It’s so unsettling.
But I hold fast to the knowledge that I have friendships I’ve had since I was a teenager – not just being friends on FB like he is with some of his old school friends – but people who are in my day to day life. Why are they still here if I’m such a terrible person? Why did one friend send a big box of little presents just before Christmas to help Santa out because she knew I was really short on money? Why do people continually invite me out and send birthday cards and presents and things if I walk all over them like he says?
I tell him that he is the only person I’ve ever had trouble talking to. I never had these problems with my ex – and he’ll just say well he took drugs so I’m not sure that counts. He was such a waster. You’ve never had a proper grown up relationship.
Yes he smoked joints but I could still sit down with him and talk about things like money or rent or whatever. He’d apologise if he snapped at me or had a grump. He’d pick me up from wherever when I couldn’t drive without ever making me feel guilty and like I was putting him out. Even when we split up he told me he wanted to try again and that he was losing the best thing that happened to him.
Honestly – make a list, a beautiful long list of what you KNOW to be the truth about yourself. Yes, I know I can be a bit selfish, but I also know and acknowledge it, so I ensure I take a step back and consider other people’s wants and needs before jumping in with what I want – that’s a positive – it means I’m mature enough to know what some of my flaws are and how to counteract them.
Write on it about your friends and things other people do for you. Write about nice things people write about you on FB or any thank you cards you’ve been given. Literally ask your closest friends and family what qualities they like in you.
Make a list of your truth so he can’t take them from you.
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