Doubting myself

[Weemebreeze]

Hi Everyone,

I was wondering if anyone can advise. After a truly horrendous (detail removed by moderator) since leaving my abusive ex and dealing with all the torment which followed, I’ve made good progress and starting to feel more positive and hopeful. I’ve been asked out for a drink by (detail removed by moderator), I’ve known him for years. I wasn’t looking to date, it’s come completely out the blue after spending more time together past few months. I find him attractive and I get excited when I see or hear from him. But the issue is I completely doubt myself – I feel I have no ability to make the right decision and don’t feel I can read my gut. I made so many wrong decisions with my abusive ex and got everything wrong, it now makes me think I’ll continue to do the wrong thing. My ex completely took advantage and deceived me – I didn’t really see it happening till far down the line. Anyway, I told a friend about the potential date and she said I had a great new energy, and I feel excited for first time in so long, but what if I’ve got it wrong again. What if he turns out to be abusive. What if I just can’t see through manipulative men. What if I’m being stupid again because I’m lonely. Urgh. I don’t want to turn him down and make a mistake, I also don’t want to go if it’s the wrong thing to do. Any thoughts or advice very welcome xx

[Wants To Help]

Hi weemebreeze,

Yay! You’ve got yourself a date 🙂

You know what, go on it, enjoy yourself and have fun. It’s just a date. It’s not a meeting to decide if this is the man that you are going to spend the rest of your life with. If you’re that nervous, how about a ‘pre date’ and suggest meeting up for just an hour for a coffee during the daytime, somewhere there is no alcohol to quell any nerves. My friend had a funny way to describe this type of date as a ‘bum sniff’ and explained it’s what dogs do when they meet for the first time to see if they actually like each other! Then, if you do decide you like each other and want to go on a ‘proper’ first date you can.

There’s a really good book called It’s Just A Date by Greg Behrendt (you can order it online) and it has very tongue in cheek advice about the ‘rules’ of dating. I have read it a few times and find it pretty spot on with advice. Going by this I’ve managed to weed out the dodgy guys on date 1, and by date 3 or 4 I’ve found enough red flags with the rest! Needless to say, I’m still single, but I have had some fun dating over the years 🙂

[Weemebreeze]

Hahaha! I’m laughing out loud at the “bum sniff”!! Brilliant! That sums it up perfectly! You’re spot on – it’s just a date, I don’t need to get carried away figuring out if I can handle something more serious! One step at a time! I’ll check the book out – it sounds ideal! Thanks again x

[Author]

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