Doubting myself

[Sunflowersunshine]

I doubt what happened. I feel like I’m the bad guy. The coward. I left. What if I tried harder? What if I’d been less of a tease. I must have been a flirt if he felt like he was owed sex endlessly. What if I’d just made myself a little smaller. And stopped being so ungrateful for the life I had.

He ignored every boundary I set. But isn’t that my fault for not reinforcing them? Maybe he wasn’t gaslighting me. Maybe I was just not paying attention well enough. I bet he doesn’t lie awake at night wondering these things. Does that make him right?

What if I imagined it all. What if it wasn’t abusive? What if I’m the abuser or it was all my fault? How do I make it better? How do I fix it?

[Teaandcats]

I have these thoughts e v e r y day.

I’ve been told that’s part of the abuse to doubt myself this wS, and there are moments where I know that it is.
But.
When I start to doubt, I am the bad guy.

[Sunflowersunshine]

That makes sense. I think I’m so used to being the bad guy it’s hard to imagine otherwise.

[nbumblebee]

Bless your heart. I have these feelings each and every day and i havent and most likely never will leave. So even if you were still there you would have these feelings you would carry this guilt but you would be in a worse place whilst feeling them right? You left you did the right thing to keep yourself safe, you deserve better and you took the chance to get better, that takes courage you should feel pride.
Years of abuse and put downs means that you are conditioned to always see the bad to always feel the bad to never allow light in as youve always believed you dont deserve it youve always been told you dont deserve it. My guess is it will take time support and alot of self love to stop these feelings and it wont happen over night.
Be kind to yourself youve been through alot, so be kind, be patient reach out and get as much help and support as you can to guide you through the days ahead. But keep telling yourself it wasnt your fault, you got out to save you be proud of that hold your head high and be proud.

[Sunflowersunshine]

I had never thought it was abuse so I was never going to leave. Shortly after we married he started talking about being physical and that he (detail removed by moderator). He never laid a finger on me like that. But those phrases were the massive red flag. I called my family and they were shocked. And I told them I was getting out and they said, (detail removed by moderator). I would have stayed if it had started getting physical probably but the talking about it so casually was off. I’m really grateful it never got there.

Maybe I should make that phrase he said a motivational poster. Whenever I remember it, it reminds me that I wasn’t the bad guy. I know I wasn’t perfect but I know I wasn’t the abuser.
Thank you for your response that really helped me frame it again in my head.

[nbumblebee]

As you know abuse isnt always physical doesnt mean it hurts any less. You did so well to talk to your friends and family nobody knows my story out here and never will so i think you are incredable for being able to reach out to them.
You take care of you now sweetie xxxxx

[searchingforhope]

I’m the same, go through periods that I know its abuse and its wrong and then doubts drown me and I spiral thinking its me, I haven’t done enough, I’ve created a story that’s not there.
But you will find strength again and realise that you are right, it is abuse. You deserve peace, you deserve to be happy, you deserve to not second guess everything you do.
Mind yourself. x*x

[Teaandcats]

and then doubts drown me and I spiral thinking its me, I haven’t done enough, I’ve created a story that’s not there.

Yes. This.

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