Doubting Myself Again

[ReasonsWhy]

Hi survivors. I’m new here, and I really need help to understand my situation. I’ve become totally isolated and have no one close to turn to. He and I have been together for several years. I left before, but I returned to him when he convinced me things would be better. The reason I left is that his abuse had turned physical. I didn’t feel safe. He told me at the time that he thought he had Paranoid Personality Disorder. I made excuses for his behavior. He no longer gets physical with me, but emotionally he puts me down, calls me names. I have cut contact with friends and relatives after he basically demanded that I do so, claiming that they were bad for me. Our (detail removed by Moderator) argument was because I tried to confront him about my uneasiness around his mother. He’s talked nasty about me to her and she feeds right into that, everything’s my fault according to this woman. Evidently I’m ‘trash’ for having left him in the past after he physically abused me. They act like that never even happened. She’s called me names to him, put me down for my being (detail removed by Moderator). Meanwhile, he acts like she’s a saint. I haven’t asked him to stop speaking to her, but I honestly wish he would. I wish he would at least defend me. Is that me being abusive and trying to isolate him? He told me it was. He read off a list of signs of an abusive partner and said it was me. Now I’m torn apart inside and confused. Any feedback would be so appreciated.

[Camel]

Hello ReasonsWhy

Welcome to the forum. I’m so glad you found your way here. The fact that you have shows that you know something is very wrong.

OK, he doesn’t physically assault you any more. But that’s because he doesn’t need to. The fear of it would have been enough to keep you controlled. Being blunt, he is still abusing you.

You won’t be the first woman to be persuaded to give your partner a second chance. But isn’t it interesting how he put his violence down to a self-diagnosed ‘disorder’ that, without any treatment, seems to have been cured? He couldn’t control it before but now he can? Be certain of this, he was talking complete b******t. Please try to stop excusing and explaining away his behaviour.

As for his mother, it’s pointless to try to get him to take your side. She’s not your friend, but neither is his.

It’s so very commonplace for the abuser to accuse the victim of being the abuser. Please do not be confused. You are NOT being abusive when you attempt to discuss your feelings.

Keep reading and posting. And try to reconnect with family and friends.

[Hawthorn]

Hi Reasonswhy,

Welcome to the forum. You are very brave for reaching out. You must be so frightened. I didnt realise how terrified I was of my partner until I reached out to a domestic violence webchat. They asked me if I felt safe. As I typed yes I realised no. No I don’t feel safe. I dont have anxiety, I’m afraid of the big angry man I think I love. It wasnt love, it was trauma bonding. There is no place for fear of your partner in a loving relationship.

Isolation from your friends and family is a key stage in the abuse. So is the twisting of reality so that they claim you are the one abusing them. It’s like they have a handbook.

It’s so difficult to accept the reality of your partner being an abuser. Dont confront him, your silence is your power. Baby steps. Educate yourself. Google the cycle of abuse and signs of emotional abuse. Reading Lundy Bancroft “why does he do that” gave me the strength to leave(the pdf is available free online).

You need support. Keep posting here, speak to your GP and please please contact your local womens aid. The ladies there will give you invaluable support and advice.

This is abuse. You dont deserve it. It is not your fault. You deserve so much better.

Sending love and hugs
Hawthorn xx

[gettingtired]

Hi sorry to hear about your situation. I know too well what it’s like having a ‘mother in law’like this. That’s pretty shocking his Mother knew he had physically abused you but chose to ignore that and instead blame you for leaving. Sounds exactly like what mine would do. In fact, if and when I do leave him I would expect her to send me nasty messages for sure. Or blame it all on me. Basically enabling his behaviour.
Even if your partner was to stop speaking to her the abuse isn’t going to stop. You’re not being abusive wishing he wouldnt speak to her, sounds like you’re just trying to find a way to help your situation. He is the problem though.
It’s like they all learn from the same hand book.. Mine has told me I’m the abuser or n********t one before 🙄
They love playing victim.
I agree with comments above of getting all the support you can.
It’s the worst thing in the world realising the person who is supposed to love you is an abuser but I do believe if we are strong enough to endure the abuse then we are strong enough to leave it behind eventually xx

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