Doubting myself … maybe I am being OTT

[Missbutterfly]

Hi everyone.

I left an abusive marriage a few years ago.

I met a new partner a few months after (thorough a friend) and we have been together for some time now. We have a daughter together.

The problem is that I dont trust my judgement because of the abuse that at various times lasted + years.

To me, it feels that when I am pleasing him and going along with how he likes things, I am the best thing since sliced bread. He says all the right things, shows me loads of love and bigs me up all the time but if I have something on my mind, am moody or not giving him 100% of my attention, he changes.

He says I am not listening or sometimes the way I am is too much but tbh I dont see the problem. Sometimes I feel a bit ‘guilt tripped’ and the problem is that still I put everyone elses feelings and opinions first. I still doubt myself and my opinions and happiness come way down the line.

Sometimes me ‘gut feeling’ is telling me that things are not quite right but I doubt myself, very much.

The situation is a bit complicated.

I am not sure if I am just comparing the two or what the problem is but part of my still has an inherent need to be independent, reliable on just myself. Is this a defence mechanism or is my internal psyche trying to tell me something?

The only release at the moment is a glass of wine, which is not the answer but gives me the confidence I lack so much.

Thanks for reading x

[Chickadee]

Hi MissButterfly.

Understood. Doubting/not trusting your judgement stems from having been in an abusive relationship previously and the control. Your exactly right.

The first paragraph, where you start, to me….
This sounds like your with another abuser. Your pleasing him. Communication is only good when things are good. In a healthy relationship someone listens. And communicates the same and treats you the same regardless of your mood.

He is stating that your not listening and sometimes your too much….. that can be taken negatively and positively, abuser or not one. It is difficult to tell without more information.

First, the next time something is on your mind….I would suggest very calmly stating can we talk about something, I would like your input. This let’s him no you want to listen without saying it and also promotes a healthy intro to a talk. If it is a healthy situation, he will be willing to participate and there will be mutual communication. He will want to try.

You are putting others way before yourself. You need to take care of you too for a healthy relationship.

Listen to your gut, it is trying to tell you something is wrong because something is. Your uncomfortable for a reason.

Inherent need to be independent. Could be fear, defense mechanism, feeling safer. Could be what you need. But yes, it is your psyche trying to tell you something.

Lol. An occassional glass of wine is ok, it soothes the nerves. If you like red, it also helps the heart and kidney when done in moderation.

Are there other things that would signify possible abuse/control issues? It would provide a better read on the situation to help you more.

Here when you need to talk. Hugs.

Chickadee

[maddog]

I didn’t recognise that my husband was abusive for years apart from flashes and awful rows which ‘I always started’. You have posted here, so something is wrong. My situation too is complicated.

For the time being, it is really important to keep a diary. A notebook or emailing yourself. Record the small things too. Anything he says or does that makes you feel uncomfortable. Then you can start building up a pattern.

[Poodlepower]

My partner became massively controlling over the course of our relationship. Looking back now, were the signs there from the very beginning? I remember during our 1st weeks he bought me a rubber duck for my bath. Very sweet I thought…followed it up with “I’d love it if when I gave this to you, you sang me the “rubber duckie” song from Sesame Street.” And I spent ages learning that song! Sounds cute, innocent…but was he testing how bidable I was? Early on, we were discussing what we liked and disliked in music, film, books. I made a throwaway comment along the lines of “I think my tastes are pretty much formed by now” (im no spring chicken!”) Over the next ** years he used this comment over and over again , berating me for not allowing him to “influence” my tastes. He would be OTT angry about it, when it was really just a throwaway comment.
These are just 2 of the “smaller” signs that he wished to dominate me and his need for control. Of course, there were more concrete signs later on, but I think any sign that your partner wishes to control your behaviour , in however small a way, should make you alert to possible abusive patterns. In the future, I’ll certainly be on the lookout for signals like these.

[Janedoeissad]

MissButterfly your phrase that you have “an inherent need to be independent, reliable on just myself”. Its like I am reading about myself. My Ex used to go on and on at me about not including him in everything. I used to have the thought you are having. Now I see there is nothing wrong with being independent and self-reliant. These are plus points, do not ever think they are negative attributes. A man who loved and understood you would appreciate these attributes.

That “guilt tripped” feeling? Its his control. My Dad spends his days changing his mood to make us march to the beat of his drum. He uses anger and upset to “guilt trip” us into doing his bidding. I see right through it now and refuse to engage.

The control from both partners is why you put everyone else’s opinions and feelings first. Maybe you are too scared to voice your own opinion? I’ve recently discovered I have put EVERYONE’s emotional and physical needs before my own for most of my adult life. I am now working on that.

Big hugs and good luck, it sounds to me like you are with a toxic person.

[Freedomfighter]

Hi , I agree with the ladies above and with your gut instinct. My husband has always hated me doing anything which didn’t include him, including taking the children out for the day when he was in work during holidays. It didn’t matter if that was just a walk in the woods with a few sandwiches and pop. He would make a big deal out of it sulking or starting a row about purposely excluding him. These abusers are so self absorbed, they can only see the world in terms of how it affects them.
I used to work night shifts then and would often take them out after working all night and be exhausted when he got home. He could have done something with the boys then if he wanted to spend quality time with them or taken them out for tea or something. He would never do anything with them unless I was there too. He said ‘to be together as a family ‘ – abuser code for too much like hard work!!!
Like you I have always put everyone else’s needs first, my own and my happiness didn’t come last, my counsellor pointed out that they were completely ignored and not even considered which she found alarming. I hadn’t even thought about it.
What I’m trying to say is there is nothing wrong with being independent. I have had to be for my sake and my children’s. He can not be relied on for anything but paying the bills.
Anyone who tells you otherwise is trying to control you. There’s a difference between being independent and excluding someone. I’m positive you are not excluding your partner, you already said you do whatever he wants to make him happy. Unfortunately these men are never satisfied. If you tick one box they change the rules, constantly making us feel inadequate, confused and guilty. Stay strong, listen to your instincts, if in doubt post and ask the opinion of women who understand your position, women like you, to help you see through their fog.
I’m so sorry this one isn’t your perfect Prince Charming. But a healthy relationship means equality. Mutual love, mutual respect and compromise on Both sides.
Sending you hugs and strength ❤️

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