Down in the dumps this last week

[martian29]

I have been feeling so down in the dumps the last week that I haven’t even been able to come on here and try to offer any help or support to anybody else. I really thought I was starting to make some progress and that perhaps my boys and I could begin to move on with our lives free from abuse with no contact but I am thinking recently that perhaps it is not possible.

My eldest son is now acting just like his father, shouting abuse at me, swearing, twisting everything I say and threatening me. He has pushed me, locked me in the kitchen, threatened me with his fists but not actually hit me just like his father used to do. He has accused me of stopping them both see their father after them both telling me on numerous occasions that they had no desire to see him. They even showed me the videos of him being abusive to them both which are as recent as just before he lost contact with them. This behaviour seems to have escalated from my eldest son after we finally got our belongings back from his abusive father.

I sent him a text saying that if he didn’t finally release our belongings that I would have to involve the authorities, to which he agreed that he would. He sounded so reasonable and said that he would arrange a van and send our things rather than involve the authorities as it would be unpleasant for the boys (unpleasant for him rather). He also said he wanted to help me as he knows how busy I am juggling work and taking care of our sons on my own. He said he would list things in texts as he went along and the boys and I could say whether we wanted them or not to which we did. Finally the day we arranged for delivery arrived and we were all shell shocked. He sent every trace of us in a huge removal van when he knows we live in tiny cramped accommodation. We could not even get the boxes in our home. He also sent things in huge heavy boxes which the removal people complained about and charged him more on the phone at our destination for. He even placed rubbish and dead flies, dust, dirt and receipts for places he’s taken other women to when never spent barely a penny on me or his own sons. I have spent the last week sorting through the boxes and sending things back that we had not agreed to as advised by the authorities.

I was so angry that I broke the no contact rule and phoned him asking what he was playing at. I asked him if he was planning on moving his new woman into our family home as he was eliminating every trace of his own sons and I. He replied that this was his own business to which I replied that I would tell her everything about his abuse if I should see them together in the area. We both live in the same area. He said that he would add that to the case he is building against me for sending him abusive texts and now threatening him on the phone. I did send him some abusive texts as he was gaslighting me in his texts to which I so stupidly reacted. I only said what was the truth and did not threaten him in these texts except to say that I would show her evidence of how abusive he is if he dares to parade her where he knows we will be. I feel sure his gaslighting is clear to see in the texts and hopefully if he does build a case it will be clear to others too. I should have blocked him or at least not reacted. That was my only mistake.

I even apologised afterwards in a text and told him that if our sons ever changed their mind and wanted to see him again that I would not stop them but after seeing evidence of his abuse to them in his home that it would have to be supervised or in a public place. I also told our sons the same but they insisted they despise him and have no plans to ever see him again. Then my eldest son comes out with the statement that I am stopping them both from seeing their father? Now he is acting just like his father. It is like his father has stepped into his body. I just don’t know what to do. I know he feels bad about himself, suicidal and at risk of self-harm so I don’t want to aggravate this any further by taking the wrong action in dealing with it.

I have been thinking of moving away from the area, away from him but feel torn as our sons say they are happy here as they have always lived in this area and it is close to their school, friends and all they know. I am so unhappy here and barely go out as I am afraid of bumping into him all the time. Do I sacrifice my health and wellbeing until they are old enough to leave or live like a recluse afraid to leave our home for the next few years?

Amongst all this, I am having extreme stress at work as they are asking me to perform extra duties which I feel are unobtainable in the time allotted and I am living on little sleep or food. I am also having extreme hot flushes and night sweats with the menopause which keeps me awake at night. I don’t really want to take time off with stress as I feel far worse alone at home. It does make me feel better to get out and do a day’s work where I get to talk to people, help people and have the odd joke and laugh with work colleagues. I just don’t know what to do right now. He always finds a way to set us back when we start to move on towards some semblance of happiness.

Sorry for my long rambling post yet again. I wish I could be of more help to everyone else right now instead of rambling about myself. I just want to vent really. Hugs to you all XX

[mixed-up mum]

Hi Martian29 – sorry you are feeling so low just now – but it’s little wonder considering what you are going through.

I most likely won’t be able to offer you much advice, but I wanted you to know that I’m here to listen.

Its such a worry when your boys start acting like their father – I know I’m always on alert – looking for any signs of controlling abusive behaviour in my son – and I do see little things from time to time – its hard to know how to handle it because you don’t want to turn round and say ‘you’re as bad as your father’ – but at the same time they need to know what they are doing is wrong and is not acceptable behaviour.

My son has never been physically violent towards me, but he does get a bit too rough neith his sister, its disguised as ‘play fights’ but he gets more aggressive than I’d like. He’s never laid a finger on me and I do not feel threatened by him at all. I’m not scared of him – but I just don’t like some of his behaviour.
I do notice he is getting difficult to get him to do as I ask him to do – he’s very determined – and I will have to ask 3 or 4 times before he will do it – and only when he’s good and ready!!
He does have a very ‘short fuse’ – and can ‘fly off the handle’ quite easily, his dad has a temper too.

I’m sure they don’t blame you for not being able to see their father, but they are just lashing out at those closest to them, the one they love the most – they are hurt and confused – and don’t know where to turn.
They are unsettled, and not knowing what is happening next – I’m sure with a bit of routine and stability, they will feel more secure and settled.

My ex did that too – within the first two weeks of me leaving him he’d bagged up everything we owned in to black bags – dutmped it all in my daughters bedroom and told me to come and collect it – there was not a trace of us laft in that house – it was like we’d never been there.

They actually do wind you up just to see you getba reaction – I know it’s really hard to hold it all together and not let him get what he’s after.

I don’t know how I’d feel if/when he moves his next ‘victim’ in to our home, I think it will hurt – we were there all our married life and now there’s no trace of me or the kids in that house.
I don’t think I’d want my son meeting his father’s new ‘fancy bit’ – I’d rather he never met her – but maybe that’s me being ‘petty’??
I know now we are separated now and so its up to us both if/when we start seeing other people – but I’m not sure I’m ready for another victim’ to move in and see them ‘play happy familis’.
We actually live (detail removed by Moderator) from him, but I don’t want it rubbed in my face.
I too wanted to live on in the same village as before – l wanted to keep my kids at the same school, with all their friends they had grown up with.
But it can be hard seeing your ex regularly.

Sorry got to go falling asleep here!!!

Take care.

x*x

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