Downplaying in Order to Cope

[Anonasdf]

Hi everyone,

I just recently got out of my abusive relationship. At the time I was living with him and some other friends during lockdown so when everything started I didn’t have anywhere else to go so I just told myself it wasn’t a big deal. I find that even now that I’m out of that situation, I try to tell myself that it wasn’t a big deal and that nothing bad actually happened in order to stop feeling scared. This just ends up making me feel guilty. I can’t seem to find the balance of feeling the emotions that come with everything and not going over the edge with all the anxiety and fear that comes with it. Any advice?

[Chickadee]

Hi –

It is very difficult to come to terms with what bad people do to you or to others, when you are a good person!

It is really hard to wrap your head around.

You conditioned yourself to cope, to stay til you could get out. Now you have to reverse it.

So do this…….. quit telling yourself it was not a big deal, it most likely was. So acknowledge it was. Then be comfortable with it and put it behind you. Your out, he is gone, it is in the past.

……..quit feeling guilty for things that he did.

By acknowledging it for what it was, your dealing with it, instead of brushing it aside to surface again later. By doing this and becoming comfortable with it, and yourself, you will heal, you will be less scared and fearful as it to will heal somewhat.

With that said, if you were in a situation where this person causes you a reason to feel threatened……please realize that you need to remain alert to your surroundings and your safety! Even after you have left.

You Can Do This! Chickadee 🙂

[Anonasdf]

Thank you! It’s not fun dealing with all the feelings that come with the aftermath of getting out, but I know I have to deal with it one way or another. Do you have any advice on how to trust again? I can feel myself putting up walls with people because I’m scared they’re going to be the same but I don’t want to be closed off when the right person comes along.

[maddog]

It’s normal to normalise abuse. I did it for decades. Red flags all over the place.

Counselling really helps. So many of us who’ve endured abuse have also tolerated unwanted sex, the breakdown of our boundaries, and trauma.

You have nothing to be ashamed of. The person who did this will do it to someone else. We’re conditioned as females, to believe it’s all our fault. Of course it’s not. Society has taught so many women to put up and shut up, and it’s wrong and profoundly bad for society.

It’s worth speaking to your GP and to your local Women’s Aid about trauma based counselling. Rape Crisis is also a fantastic resource. Please don’t be alone with this. Keep posting here and find yourself as much real life support as you can. It’s a tangled web and there are lots of amazing people out there to stop you falling.

[Author]

Posts