Dreadful weakness, can't be strong enough to recover

[Anonymous]

I feel so incredibly weak, away over (detail removed by Moderator), but (detail removed by Moderator) of fighting myself & it just doesn’t seem to get any better, the most reprieve I get is a few hours of feeling I can do this, I can, I must, but my energy levels are floored, physical aches & pains from not being able to relax, feeling utter panic that he was right, I wouldn’t as he put it fn cope on my own would I. But I did, I did used to cope on my own before I met him! That was before over (detail removed by Moderator) of abuse, running alongside outside major traumas, a major breakdown now as a result. I have gone over the abuse a million times, the life threatening outside traumas alongside, all of which I could have coped with, had he of been emotionally supportive, he magnified everything though as scolded, ranted & raved at both me & my now adult son, who is also dreadfully nervous. It was like trauma on trauma, impossible to ever get any solace or any kind of peace. He was an abuser even I still struggle to conceive. I did attend the freedom project, which was fantastic, I have read so much about dv/abuse that I completely understand it too. The cycle of abuse, the honeymoon period, that is the part where my abuser differed from what it appears the majority are like, in my honeymoon phases, all they consisted of were 3 weeks maximum of no scoldings, him being normal ish! The last few years though it was intense & daily treading on eggshells 24/7. Now major breakdown & I think I just can’t move forward & regain my strength. I am slowly losing his power as far as I do not think of all he did 24/7 but it still is always only a thought away from me, I have to literally fight myself to stop myself saying Sorry but this is what he has done to Me, I know 100% had he have not abused neither myself or my son would be on such dreadful states now. It honestly feels like I have had the life sucked out of me completely, I feel like I am still drowning & can’t swim, Feel like he has won in his attempt to completely destroy me as a human. I do have positive moments, do take steps forward but then take steps backwards again, it’s horrible. I am fed up fighting myself, but keep fighting this inner battle with every last bit of strength in me. I keep reading it can take years to recover xx

[Confused123]

Hey HUn

Dont be put of that it can take years to recover, each day is a recovery and it takes years to say we are now unbreakable and no one will do that again to us, it doesnt mean u see no progress till years later, just having no contact you cna see progress immediately, the recovery is healing from the pain, understanding what happened and why , again it relates to understanding ourselves better , redsicoverign ourselves

[Anonymous]

Hi Confused123 I had a nervous breakdown years before I met him & it took a good 2 years to recover, I remember my doctor saying one day you will wake up & suddenly think I’m better, that is exactly what happened she also told me never be forced again to do anything you are not comfortable with (breakdown had been caused through mental cruelty of ex husband) After him once I was better I met & fell in love with my soul mate, who did a runner when I was heavily pregnant, at same time the ex husband made me homeless, emotionally blackmailed my eldest 2 to live with him, turning my own family against me. I again was forced into situations In life where I obviously was extremely uncomfortable! I held on for dear life for my sons sake, coped fine although heartbroken. I waited years before daring to become involved, what did I do the worst thing that could have possibly happened to me & my son, I got involved with an abuser who forced me to live a life under control & pressure & Still I didn’t see it until it was too late, trapped scared unable to just go, Now this major breakdown. I hadn’t been out of trauma for more than 6 months from childhood. I am so sorry that I sound so negative but seriously wonder this time if this last monster vile toxic man hasn’t finished me for good. I pray he has not. He knew a lot of what had happened to me, Never on a million years did I ever think he was taking it all in right from the start to abuse me so badly. Oh how so hope you ate right & that recovery is possible xx

[Serenity]

First of all, Blueberry, don’t mistake your reaction to severe abuse for weakness.

You’re far from weak. You survived the worst abuse, which shows you are strong. You’re a fully functioning, normal person- which is why the abuse has affected you so much. You have normal feelings, emotions and responses.

Our abusers might have tried to make us feel we were weak because we showed our emotions, but that was because they were too cowardly to show their own true emotions. It takes strength and courage to show your true self in this difficult world. Too many people hide behind masks and deny their authentic feelings.

Abusers are so sick that they upset us to make us feel those negative feelings so they don’t have to. It’s like they are purging themselves of negative feelings and fears by proxy, using us as guinea pigs.

Understanding abuse, educating yourself about it, going over what happened so your mind can process it, is a painful but I think necassary part of recovery. It’s a horrible stage, but it is necessary to keep you protected in the future. Going through the pain and rehashing what happened to you is torturous, but it’s where the wisdom and understanding and ultimately resilience is built up.

I would like to suggest that you read (detail removed by Moderator). She is a survivor herself and says she has gone from being completely undone and traumatised to thriving (not just surviving).

As (detail removed by Moderator) says, there will come a point ( and it does happen) when your body and mind tell you that you’ve focussed on the abuser enough- trying to make sense, trying to understand what happened- and you are ready to then focus on you and building yourself up again, and where you feel like you are possibly able to flourish again.

This stage can’t be hurried, unfortunately. I wish I could fast- forward it for all sufferers, but it happens in its own time. A bit like a piece of pottery has to go through the burning fires of a kiln to come out the other side beautiful, glossy and colourful, or like a Phoenix rises from the ashes of a fire.

I’ve- thank God- begin to teach that Phoenix stage, but I felt exactly like you- 100%- and still have wobbly days- but I want to tell you to hold on for this bumpy ride, because the precious joy you will feel eventually will be worth it.

I read a quote which said “Do whatever you have to do to survive.” There is no minimising the intense painfulness of the stage you are at. It’s horrendous- I’ve been there. But do whatever will keep you afloat during this period. Don’t do what others tell you to do, or what you think you should do: do whatever gives you peace and power. You will get there- I promise. Believe in yourself.

X*x

[Anonymous]

Hi Serenity Thank you so much for all of that, you are so knowledgeable and your advice is greatly received. Trauma from him is so raw still, I know the trauma from him has been quite unbearable xx

[Author]

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