Drowning

[Chocolatebar]

Good morning everyone, so sorry to be full of doom and gloom but woke up this morning exceptionally tearful (more so than normal) I can’t ever see a way out of here because I’m too “frozen”
His whole presence saps every bit of life out of me.
I am also struggling with my job where my new bosses are absolutely vile. I have no confidence left at all to even begin to look for another job as I don’t believe I’m good at anything and he’ll kick off because he is weird about things that change , regardless of how unwell it makes me(I don’t understand him at all tbh)
The feeling of drowning is awful and the massive lump of concrete in my chest is overwhelming:(
I hope all you ladies are coping the best you can. Sending hugs xx

[Cedarlemon]

Hi chocolate bar,

Please Don’t apologise for feeling like that, these men are enough to pull you down and make you feel frozen… I had exactly the same , I used to walk about like a zombie, feeling constantly tired , forgetting things coz he was on my case the whole time , it is extremely draining… they don’t like change but you must be finding it very hard to deal with him plus vile bosses , I’m a (detail removed by Moderator) and I remember doing shifts and not wanting to go home coz I knew that he would be interrogating me about who I’d spoken to so I used to sit in the car when I got back doing deep breathing , gearing myself up to go indoors so I feel for you I really do x I turned down a promotion at work coz he kicked off over it 😡 everything was geared around him to the point I couldn’t see my own family without there being a drama .. anyway please take care , baby steps and try and do something for you everyday , I havent done the freedom programme but a lot of ladies on this site have and found it really helpful sending hugs back to you xx ps my bible is Lundy Bancroft ‘why does he do that’ I have found it invaluable x

[Chocolatebar]

Thank you Cedarlemon for your message. Things you said are very similar to how I feel. Have you left your relationship now? What is the Freedom programme? I’ve not come across that. I’ve watched some YouTube videos by the author of the book you mentioned…very insightful.
Thanks again xx

[Twisted Sister]

good morning Chocolatebar

I am sorry, its so difficult to be frozen in your situation, but one huge positive step you have alrady made is in sharing it here, getting your thoughts out is very empowering, and frees you in releasing them, and you are also positively looking at other options as women each contribute what they can to you.

I hope you can be somewhat strengthened by having others who understand join with you in this and help you as much as they can. Your voice matters, keep using it, and yes, finding out more too. The Freedom Programme is an excellent place for that, hearing the voices of other women that have also suffered, noticing the similarities of the tactics that are used against them, and the trauma that brings, will all begin to make a lot more sense to you, and help you to build your own frame of mind to make decisions. The facilitators are on hand also to point you towards additional local supports. It can be quite a powerful experience, just being in a place full of women who understand, makes it real and restore that feeling of sanity, that you knew this was going on and he tried to hoodwind, manipulate, and deny your complaints about his treatment of you.

Please keep talking, and finding out, it will help enormously with the frozen.

warmest wishes

ts

[Chocolatebar]

Thank you Twisted Sister, Since finding this forum a few weeks ago I feel very ‘safe’. No one judges us on here. Whatever I say I know instantly that you all ‘get it’.
I’m determined to have a better life one day. I’m not sure when but we have to hope don’t we x*x

[Lisa]

Hi Chocolatebar,

The Freedom Programme is designed to help survivors of domestic abuse understand the dynamics of abuse and make sense out of their experiences. There are in person groups and an online version available too. You can find more information and search for a local group on the Freedom Programme website.

Take care and keep posting,
Lisa

[Chocolatebar]

Thank you Lisa, that’s very helpful.

[Cedarlemon]

Hi Chocolatebar,

I think Lisa has explained the freedom programme and the website. No I’m not with my abuser but he’s still being a pain (I’ll leave it at that) . This site has been such a support to me for quite a few years now and if you look at the posts we are all different ladies but we could all be posting about the same man . As TS said we all understand as we are all/ or have been through the same thing. Keep posting and take care xx

[nbumblebee]

I often wake and think oh god here we go and that feeling of dread is there in my tummy.
He shouts and my heart starts pumping i think of ways to calm him down make him happy this is my life.
But there is another way there is a different life one that you dont have to feel this way.
Slowly in your own time in your own way you will start to find it you will honest i never thought i would i still doubt every second of every day whether i deserve happiness whether i deserve to be free and i still cant answer that for myself but i do know one thing, im hurting and i cant and wont be able to go on like this much longer so I have to get up put on my pants I have to find help for myself get myself better get myself stronger I have to nobody else will unless i make a start. In your own time when you are ready you will find a way.
Until then keep talking. Xxxx

[Gerbil]

Dear Chocolatebar
I am so sorry you are feeling like this.
There are so many people on here who understand completely how you feel (I am one of them) as they have similar lived experiences or are going through similar experiences now.
I too am having a drowning sort of day where everything seems too much to cope with.
Have you spoken about how you are feeling with your GP? Do you have a friend you could talk to?
Without the horrible home circumstances, you could most probably cope with the difficult work situation but it is understandably causing you additional stress.
Take care honey and keep posting on here x

[Chocolatebar]

Thank you for your reply Gerbil.
Talking on here has been invaluable for me, especially after waking up this morning with the horrendous feeling of drowning that prompted me to post on here.
You mentioned you felt the same ? I hope you are a little bit better , even if only briefly 🙁

[Author]

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