Drunk and angry

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Every time he drinks he turns horrible. (detail removed by moderator) he drank too much and started having a go at me saying I was bored of him (this was because I said I was very tired – which I was) then started having a go at me saying I didn’t like him, I was bored and never wanted sex.
Tonight he is drunk again. We had some food leftover from last night which we planned to have tonight. He ate it all himself without asking if I wanted any. I then had to fill some online forms in for my child’s school and he started accusing me of ignoring him and texting people.
It just feels like everything is about him- he feels insecure, he doesn’t feel he gets enough attention, he needs to lose weight so we can’t eat / drink this that and the other (unless he decides to get drunk!) I can’t go out for a drink with a friend because he hasn’t seen me all day (though it’s his choice to go out). When he gets drunk He keeps bringing up my ex’s from literally decades ago and asking questions about sex with them and asking if he’s better. I keep reassuring him but it’s so wearing!
He’s had help before with drinking after he cheated on hen drunk but it never lasts. He gets back on it again. Even the kids were commenting on him being drunk tonight!
What do I do though when the kids are generally happy? I’m happy sometimes (probably 50/50) but not sure this is enough.

[fizzylem]

Jeese, I feel worn out just reading it and I’m not living it DWT! You’re spot on hey, he wants your attention and control over everything – bet you cant breath sometimes. Think it’s great you’re weighing it up and considering whether you want to settle for the next, say 10 plus years for more of the same.

Thing is, if you feel you’re putting up it teaches the children to do this also in their adult relationships, would you want what you’ve got for them?

It is unsettling and can be difficult for kids for a while when we seperate, but they do adapt and often go on to lead much happier lives in a stress free home.

Have you thought about keeping a journal? Sometimes this helps, as we get so busy in the hear and now and dealing with the latest drama or abuse from him that we simply shelve everything, if you keep a record then you can go back to this, read it later, will show you exactly what you have been putting up with, for how long and how often.

Often each incident doesnt look like much, and he can easily explain it away, so you feel like is it me here? It’s not until you start to recognise this is a constant and cumulative over time that you then see it’s actually abuse x

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Thank you. I did start keeping a journal over the summer so it’s beginning to build up now. Today he has said he can’t remember last night and can’t remember having a go at me. Not sure if that’s true but even if it is it makes me cross he drinks to that state.

I do wonder sometimes if it would be healthier for the kids away but it’s hard when they don’t see the harm. Though the eldest is beginning to spot it.

[fizzylem]

Our normal is normal to us, remember this as a child? It’s not until you get older that you question the differences, notice how other families are different to yours. If he’s abusive then they are learning to tolerate abuse, makes them vulnerable to these types of relationship in adult life because it’s normal, so, they may over look that their partners drink alot because this is what dad and mum did; or they may do the same as him / mirror his behaviour; he’s showing them that when the chips are down head for a drink to cope isn’t he, instead of teaching healthy ways to overcome a difficulty.

Having a parent that drinks a lot either leads the child into never wanting to touch a drop – or it goes the other way.

It’s also unlikely they don’t pick some of it up, however much we try to hide it from them and keep them safe. This can be confusing. It’s not until we have a comparisson sometimes that we see how life was and is, how it can be.

It’s hard to know what to do for the best when children are involved for sure, we often feel we need to put their feelings and needs before our own, it’s selfish to want more, it’s not worth putting them through the disruption, make them deal with having seperated parents and two homes, however, a good rule of thumb is happy mum happy child; if you are content you teach your child how to be also; if you’re OK they will be OK, if you’re not OK they will suffer on some level, might be that you could be more attentive to them when you are not dealing with dad maybe? There’s a nice simple poem called ‘Children learn what they live’ – if you googled it I’m sure it would come up – shows us so clearly the importance in meeting their needs, for safety and the need for positive role models.

Most women that leave do so because they come to see this is not what they want for their children, it’s not what they want them to learn about life and relationships; it is because they are doing what is right and best for the children that they choose to leave.

There’s also quite a bit of research out now that shows us that children who came from unhappy households, say they wish she’d left him years ago when they are older – also that when abuse occurred, they were unable to speak out as they didn’t have the language to say what is was, sometimes by not acknowledging dad’s behaviour is wrong and why to our children, can leave them without a voice; to acknowledge it is happening, to the family and to the child, to establish how they feel and what they think can be very useful to the child; but obs needs to be age appropriate and their feelings considered at all times; maybe have a look for some of this research?

Only you can work out what is best hey, but if it feels like you have your fingers crossed that it will be ok atm, then maybe you need to think a bit more about it, look into things more so and talk to others – a wide range of people, so your decisons feel informed and thus right for you all? x

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Thank you for this. I am genuinely touched that you have taken the time to reply and give such good advice. I will definitely go away and do some reading but also do some hard thinking x*x

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