Dysfunctional or abuse?

[Fudgy]

Hi, I am not sure if it’s OK for me to post here, I would really appreciate some advice and I am not sure where to start.

My partner and I have been together for (detail removed by Moderator) years, we have a (detail removed by Moderator) year old. I have looked at the “am I in an abusive relationship or not” quiz on your site and I wouldn’t tick any of the boxes. I don’t think my partner would either. BUT we have vicious arguments, often over really stupid minor things. We have very different personalities: I am the hot-headed one, he is more passive aggressive. When we clash, it is horrible and can sometimes get abusive.

For example, I have punched and slapped him and called him awful names. He has shoved me, threatened to hit me (fist in my face) and threatened suicide standing on a high ledge (while I was pregnant). He has never actually hit me. He also gets really manipulative (twisting things, rewriting history then blaming me) during arguments, then smirking while I get more and more angry. We have both shouted in front of the baby.

I desperately need some outside perspective. I am so confused as to whether we are merely a (very) dysfunctional couple, and can work on our issues with (for example) counselling, or whether the abusive side of things means we are better off apart/getting help separately. Please help.

[SaharaD]

Hi Fudgy

I haven’t seen the quiz. An abusive relationship is a dysfunctional relationship. From what you describe, I would say that you are in an abusive relationship.

I think you are both better off having no contact with each other and getting help separately for at least minimum a year.

Shoving is physical abuse. Threats to hit are still physical and psychological abuse.

Also I have to say that you should not be abusive to him either even if he pushes your buttons. Obviously if it is to escape from his grasp and assault then that would be self defence how ever you could go to court with your child being taken into care to prove it was self defence.

My suggestion and opinion is to split up and do the child care and contact through a third party like a family member or a contact centre.

[Nemo]

SaharaD is right Fudge.

I can reassure you 100% that you’d be doing the right thing for your child, for yourself and for your family’s future by separating for a trial period and making childcare arrangements through a third party; and during this period both get support separately through appropriate counselling services, before you try to get help as a couple (if you decide to try to make the relationship work after a trial separation).

Good luck and keep posting ❤

[Fudgy]

Thank you both for your replies, which are a wake-up call. I will look into getting help separately from my partner then, and perhaps help for him as well, and we will need to discuss a trial separation.

[Nemo]

looked out for your reply Fudgy and glad to see you’ve posted again 😃
…and that you’ve made the decision to get help separately and to discuss a trial separation with him.

Hugs to you ❤

[KIP.]

Fudgy, abusers are at their most dangerous when you try to end a relationship. That’s when they feel they are losing control and your partner has already threatened suicide and threatened violence. I would not discuss a trial separation with him. I think you would be putting yourself in danger. Phone the helpline and find your local women’s aid. Make secret arrangement to get yourself away and safe. Then you can let him know what’s happening. I know it sounds heartless but it’s the only safe way. Also, he will use mind games to talk you round. Speak to women’s aid for support. I do agree that you both need time apart. Abuse creeps up on us and becomes quite normal. We then minimise the danger we are in. Please be careful❤️

[Nemo]

Just re-read your first post @Fudgy and i completely agree with KIP about phoning the helpline and making secret arrangements to get yourself & your little one out of any potential danger.
Stay safe ❤

[Fudgy]

Thank you ladies for your kind replies. I did actually discuss separation with him, although he doesn’t like the idea we have come to a compromise during a sensible discussion. There are logistical issues to be sorted, I would want to go o my parents and that is not possible for a few weeks. But we have an agreed plan in place which is a step forward to us seriously addressing our issues.
Thanks all again for replying, I wish you all well.

[KIP.]

Fudgy, you have to be really really careful. My ex was all understanding and co operative at first but it didn’t last. when he realised I was serious and not backing down he became violent and was eventually arrested. It was a dangerous and awful experience. I just didn’t understand the danger I was in. We minimise the abuse so it doesn’t seem that bad. It’s how we cope x

[Author]

Posts