Each step is hard

[Learntoliveagain]

Morning,
I’ve not posted for a while, but I still check in regular for words of support.
It’s been (detail removed by Moderator) months since I told my husband I wanted to split up, foolishly I thought that would be the hardest bit. I should of know better after reading other posts.
I just need to say what I’m feeling/thinking just so I try and get it out of my head for a short time. Hope that makes sense.
I’ve been sleeping in the spare room and trying to keep out of his way. Im still making his dinner and washing his clothes because I dont want to p**s him off. He keeps telling me he won’t leave the house so I’ve been in touch with local support groups to help with practical advise regarding my housing options.
The practical advise is good but it’s the emotional support that I need. Don’t get me wrong I’m so lucky to have some amazing friends that are being so supportive and gp that checks in with me often as I’m on antidepressants and she is fully aware of my situation. Its the emotional support from someone that 100% understands why you still do the things you do, and try to find the words all time to try explain how you have stayed with someone when they have done some terrible things to you.
I’m still worried about how he will react when I need to talk about ending our marriage.
At the movement I’m still in the stage where he keeps telling me he loves me and he won’t give up on us. Sending texting messages every morning, and when I don’t reply he says I hate him and I’m breaking him. He recently told me thinks he is serously ill and he knows im making secret plans to leave but not to do anything yet as i will get everything if we’re still married. I dont know if he is messing with head again or he is ill, which is very possible due to the amount he drinks.
I can’t tell you how many times I have wanted to give in. I know he is just trying to wear me down. He is making me feel so cruel and cold. I’m so low and tired of thinking what to do say and do everyday.
I want to take my wedding ring off right now and tell him I want him to leave but scared of his reaction when he knows I’m not going to back down.
He is either going to threaten to harm himself of he will turn back to losing his temper, shouting, throwing things and being so cruel, but keeping my ring on is showing him there is a chance I will change my mind.
I just keep playing different scenarios in my head, over and over again.
I know he is going to make things so bad I will have no choice to leave my home, (detail removed by Moderator) and where my family and friends live.
Over (detail removed by Moderator) yrs being treated like s**t, a plaything in the bedroom, no respect for my feelings my life and thinks he can stop those memories by saying he has changed and should I should forget the past.
Perhaps I should, people say you can’t move forward and heal when you still live in the past, but how do you do that when you’re literally still living in the same house with your past, with him sitting in the living room like he has done no wrong.
The feeling of being so unhappy and that sadness that overwhelming hopelessness is still with me, even when I’ve told him it’s over 😢 x

[Sad and alone]

He probably thinks he can reel you back in, whether you’re sleeping in separate bedrooms or not. He will prob just see this as a phase that you’ll get over and return to him from. He won’t accept that you’re going to leave. I’ve had what I felt was an honest discussion with my husband about where our relationship was at, felt we agreed we weren’t working, but here I am today, still here. Like you I get told he doesn’t want to give up, he loves me etc etc. I also get told that he thinks he isn’t well, physically or mentally, both of which are my fault.
I’m still living in it, so can’t lecture you, but until you leave things won’t change. He’ll think he has you under control. He’ll be able to pull you back in.
You can forgive things that have happened in the past, but you won’t forget, and when it’s the things that you can’t forget that pile up so much that you have a problem.
Don’t feel alone. I am sad, alone, crying, so much, but coming on here and just reading other people’s experience, recognising they’re the same as mine, gives me some comfort xx

[Learntoliveagain]

To sad and alone I know you’re right, and please don’t think you’re alone either you’ve reminded me that we have this space to reach out for support and give each hope.
I knew he was never going to make this easy, but just thought (foolishly hoped) if he loves me as much as he claims too he would prove it by leaving and not cause me any more emotional pain.
it’s hard to know other women are going through the same thing, what is wrong with these men! It’s so tough living this way.
I’m trying so hard to be strong, I took my wedding ring off this morning and then had a anxiety attack before going to work. It was pure panic, after speaking to a friend to help me, I finally left the house without it on.
Whatever the consequences are I know I cant let myself be reeled back in not this time, I just cant…..

[Sad and alone]

I think it’s hard for people to understand what a mind f*** these relationships are. Unless you’ve been through it or are in it. It’s weird as I read other posts on here and somehow feel validated in the way I feel. Like reading other people’s words and recognising so many similarities gives me a weird sense of comfort. And it’s stupid as you read these other posts and think they need to leave, yet here you are still in it! It’s always easier giving advice than taking it.

What do you think made you anxious about taking your ring off? Was it other people noticing or his reaction? It’s good you have some support. Do they know the whole story? I am pretty isolated now and only have a relative a few hours away. I told them once we weren’t getting on and they said it was normal to have ups and downs and we’d get better, how outside pressures don’t help. I obviously didn’t tell them about the physical incidents and the verbal abuse.

It’s very frustrating. They always seem to turn things around so you end up feeling guilty and responsible. And I have started to see myself as what he says I am – a failure, a moron, pathetic. I have lost all enthusiasm for anything. It’s sad, and exhausting to have to try and keep fighting my corner.

[Learntoliveagain]

You are definitely not a failure, moron or anything he has called you, because not one single woman who posts on this forum is any of those things. That is just things they call us to make us feel small and s**t about ourselves to makes us believe we will never be enough.
I have only started to believe this by reading the words on this forum. So thank you ladies from the bottom of my heart ❤️
But… even though I know that, I’m still here in the same house, but I’m trying so hard this time to be strong and try to remember that I haven’t done anything wrong, and I didnt deserve to be treated this way.

The reason for the anxiety attack was the thought of his reaction. Would he lose his temper or cry and part of me realised it symbolised there was no going back. Whatever happen next I had to deal with it. Ive had that feeling and thoses thoughts all day, it feels so strange not feeling it there after so many years.

He’s back to not speaking to me because (detail removed by moderator). So I’m sat feeling guilt that he might mean ever word he writes and I’m causing him so much hurt. I dont want to feel sorry for him 😔 x

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