Early days

[IndecisiveGirl]

I’ve only been left a few days. I keep looking through photos of us together on occasions when I felt like we were happy at the time. I keep resisting the urge to tell him I love him or that I’m missing him because I know it will only weaken me. I feel hurt that he’s not messaged me to ask if me and our baby are okay, but I also know that minimal contact is the best plan.

Please tell me that missing him and the love I have for all the good parts of him with get easier. I know I shouldn’t go back to him again but I also feel myself wanting to? Is this what they mean when they say about trauma bonding?

I go through stages of educating myself and thinking his behaviour was emotional/psychological abuse, to then wondering if really it all was my fault, because everyonelse seems to think he’s a great guy:/

Also, his name is on the birth certificate of our little boy, but I don’t trust him to have him on his own, can I request supervised contact? He always lost patience with him, never did much for him and moaned about him when he was being difficult/stopping him from watching football etc:/ I know I need to book in with a solicitor for some advice on our joint owned home andour baby.

[positivelyempath]

Hi lovely, I think it is a common pattern following abuse to question yourself because of course they are not horrible/abusive all the time and it can be very subtle but just remember you wouldn’t have left if it wasn’t bad. Just because they act like the most courteous charming person to everyone else does not take away what they have done to you…My husband is the same and it makes it so much harder as I feel like no one will believe me.

I’m not sure re your query re supervised access – have you spoken to womens aid yet? If not please call them as I did when I wasn’t sure if it was abuse and they really helped me see that it was….

Sending love and stay strong. xx

[IndecisiveGirl]

Yeh I guess that’s true.

I’m just hurting so much, he was my everything for years, and I bared my soul to him. We still do laugh together at times and I’m just missing all the good moments I guess. But I know, there was so much bad and that does outweigh the good, and I want all good for my little boy.

I haven’t rang women’s aid yet, but I should do probably, because I feel myself wanting to go back home to him so much.

[FruitLoops]

My heart goes out to you. I luckily do not have any children with the man I’ve just left, but all the same I’m missing him and I’m at the stage of questioning if he was really that bad (yes he was) and if it is all me (no it wasnt!!) But I keep recounting my story and how he was to others and they gasp in shock and horror of how he was so I know I’ve made the right choice and I’m sure you have too. Sorry, no advice on the village, although it sounds wonderful to me personally, remember these days you arent so isolated, especially if you can drive and have internet etc. If you want to PM me you can as I kind of feel the same right now. Hugs x*x

[Anonymous]

What you are feeling is totally normal, your feelings of love for him don’t just go away as soon as the relationship ends it’s going to take time. The question of contact you will have to go through the family law courts and put forward a case that you believe him to be an unfit parent and request the only contact he has is either supervised by yourself/family member or friend or in a contact centre. Until then he has every right to see the child as nobody has proved otherwise. Hope this helps x

[IndecisiveGirl]

Thankyou for your messages.
He hasn’t even asked to video call or to come and see our baby yet? I’ve moved back to my parents which is a couple hours drive. I feel like he will be just use the excuse that I’ve taken our baby so far away so he can’t come (he can drive/has access to a vehicle if he wanted/can get a train)
I wouldn’t stop him from coming to see him with me here, but he hasn’t even asked:/

[diymum@1]

this will ease and yeh you probably are trauma bonded but it does lessen then go totally these feelings i mean. please hold in there. from what ive found is that abusive men either fight like crazy for their kids(mainly to get at you or because theyre unhealthily obsessed with them)or they just dont bother. this seems very harsh in reality but its actually the best senario for your little boy. abuse men are renound for damaging relationships between mother and child. its well documented. someone once told me children are like soup its what you put in that is the end product. abusive men are not good role models for kids xx my ex has totally poisoned my eldest against me she thinks im the bad one xx this will work out for you xx

[HopeLifeJoy]

Well done for leaving Indecisive Girl, I am very pleased you have, I think I remember you being pregnant and posting on here.

Yes I believe you are very much trauma bonded indeed, when you still love him so deeply even though he is incredibly cruel to you isn’t love it’s trauma bonding.
Please read up about it and create a strategy to overcome it, your main goal should be to NOT contact him no matter how you feel, instead let your feelings flow and grieve with all your heart, without contacting him, and when you can’t stand it anymore, write here, call a friend, family member, stand up and make yourself a nice cup of tea, go for a walk with your baby, basically distract yourself from your loving feelings towards him by redirecting them into self-care.
I have used this method and it helped me tremendously, I was so trauma bonded to my second abuser, I have never loved someone so strongly in my entire life, it was beyond normal, it was intoxicating, almost suffocating intense love. When I discovered this isn’t love but trauma bond, I was able to take my distances, with focus and effort I came to a point where I am able to see him for the cruel person he really is and I am happy to report I do not love him at all anymore, I can’t believe I was so deeply in love with him in the first place.
You will get over him too, in time, but it takes determination and strength to ‘detox’ of him, of not needing his approval and ‘love’ anymore.
You will get there, keep posting, you are doing great!😘

[Author]

Posts