Early red flags?

[RedStrawberry]

I’ve been thinking alot about the start of my relationship and wondering if there were any red flags that I missed or ignored as I don’t think the relationship started to change until I gave up work when we had children. However thinking back I was wondering about these things

-pulled away when I went to hold his hand in public and basically told me not to do that without asking

– told me his ex was crazy within a few weeks so one day he just left her (pretty much what he eventually did to me)

– went mad that after we’d both been at work and I’d cooked dinner it wasn’t what he called proper food. Despite having the same thing before and never mentioning a problem.

– never offering to cook even when he wasn’t at work

-leaving his stuff everywhere but complaining if I accidentally left something in his way

-was very full on at the start lots of presents, romantic gestures, first to say I love you, liked a lot of what I did and made me feel like we fitted well together

-got annoyed if I beat him at something (which rarely happened)

-talk about how attractive people used to find him when he was younger and how he had to turn them down

-talked alot about himself and bad things from childhood (some shared experiences but felt as if his were always worse)- now I don’t know if these were even true and he then later used what I’d told him against me.

So I don’t know if they were warning signs but I know I’m going to be very wary in the future of any potential dates. Maybe other people have some early red flags that they could share

[RebuildingMyLife]

Hi RedStawberry

Hope you’re ok and sounds as though from your post that you are healing. I would like to kindly offer you that it was not your fault for not seeing early warning flags at the beginning of the relationship. So many of us overlook red flags but being aware of a few can help when you feel ready to meet someone new.

The warning signs I overlooked were:

– On the first date in a restaurant he humiliated me.
– told me about his friend who was a womaniser but he wasn’t like that.
– (detail removed by Moderator) months into dating said that I was the most amazing woman he had met in his life. He loved me and had searched his whole life for someone like me. I was the love of his life.
– relationship moved fast. Use to put tokens/ presets at my doorstep without me reading he had been at my home.
– told him I was out with a friend for a pampering afternoon. He turned up at the venue.
– use to get upset if I didn’t reply to text messages or his calls quick enough.
-use yo video call to see if I was where I said I would be.
– would act strange around my friends and family (quiet) then tell me what they did wrong.
– bought an engagement ring (detail removed by Moderator) months into the relationship and shoved the ring in my face and asked if I would have wanted it (he never did propose).
– wanted to know how much I earned and about my home/assets.
– wanted to know the building I worked in and where I sat in the office (if I sat near a window location) still dont understand why he had to know this.
– wanted to know what route I took to work and told ne to use another route he preferred me to use.
– told me he had not been with a woman for (detail removed by Moderator) years because he wasn’t ready to meet anyone and had only ever slept with (detail removed by Moderator) women in his life ( he offered this information out of the blue).
– he insisted I opened my letter from my smear test to find I had HPV I was shocked he told me it’s nothing to worry about and that his ex-partner got it years ago ((detail removed by Moderator) years on without him I no longer have HPV).
– showed me expensive big houses he wanted both of us to buy and that we would find a way to afford it.

What im trying to say above is that tere are many warning signs we tend overlook, and especially at the beginning when is new and wonderful to good to be true.

We must educate ourselves and I now go with how my body reacts and feels. If something doesn’t feel right to walk away. This includes non-intimate relationships when meeting new people too.

[Eyesopening]

Hi, yes definitly red flags. Also, aswell as looking at red flags, (I watched alot of Youtube vids on this also) we must look at boundaries,
What boundaries did you have that he crossed?
To protect ourselves, we must have boundaries.
Whats not ok for someone to do to you? What action will mean you walk away from a reltionship?
The book, ‘boundaries after a pathalogical reltionship is very good, its short and cheap on Amazon, but so so essential for protecting ourselves xx

Some early red flags I had, he would suddenly get so angry at me and say I was flirting with some guy, shout, say we are breaking up, then the next day forgive me.
After being out for 3 hours, having a huge go at me for leaving him in the apartment alone.
Making me do all the cooking, washing up, cleaning.

One of my boundaries now – we are 50/50 on everything, I will never be a maid to anyone xx

[Bananaboat]

Oh yes good post, blooming hindsight is a wonderful thing and I now see there were a lot of red flags from day one but I thought I loved him (ha!), and the brain chose to excuse them, they included:

– always coming to mine, not seeing his living conditions or meeting his friends/family.

– But when we did finally meet I was instantly being introduced as something serious like hang on we’ve not even had that chat yet

– lack of work / school friends which I now see as he only friends had enablers/flying monkeys

– being overly friendly with my friends and family

– moving very quickly and the sob story of (detail removed by moderator) which meant moving in to mine very quickly

– behaviours around texts/calls

– the classic making out the ex to be crazy

– letting other people down, standing people up, cancelling last minute and always lies about why

– manic driving and criticising of mine and other drivers abilities

– breaching my boundaries especially around drugs, drinking, smoking in the house/around kids

– belittling things I did like food I cooked, or I don’t know, the (detail removed by moderator), daft small things but enough to doubt yourself

– attitude towards people in authority like police or his boss and his ease at lying when something happened or he fancied a day off

– stoping me spending time with kids/friends to spend it with him rather than respecting those other relationships

– he once told me a story about someone he knew with a distinctive job at the time and I remember thinking hang on that’s me, you’re telling me a story about me…

– the cockiness / bravado probably what attracted me sadly but I now see was a huge red flag

Funny how stories are all very similar isn’t it x

[RedStrawberry]

Thanks for all your replies it is making me more aware of things to look out for in the future. It is funny how they are all similar. Yes i forgot the the confidence/cockiness and the telling stories. He would retell a story that I had told him and pretended it was him or someone he knew. And bananaboat the driving thing that didn’t become evident for a while but on more than one occasion he’d pull over and threaten to kick me out of car or if we were close to home he’d just get out leave me (thankfully I could drive) but it was normally because I had disagreed with him over something silly. He was very critical of other people in general especially any friends I could see regularly.

Eyesopening its interesting you mention boundaries as for a while he did respect them, but then he would encourage me to push my boundaries (which in some respect was good) but its like he took advantage of that trust and used that for his benefit.

[Bananaboat]

That last section is a good one! Mine did the same and initially I thought this is good he’s helping me grow in confidence & have new experiences I wouldn’t have done alone…but no it’s all just ammo for down the line and learning how you tick to manipulate you later on x

[Eyesopening]

This was the first few years, but more when we were in the relationship, but that last part reminds me though, this is his manipulation that was so conufusing. He used to say to me that all our problems was becuase I didn’t go out enough with my friends.
BUT, he made that impossible to do.
So he would make me feel like, oh he is encouraging me to go out, he is wanting the best for me. But if I was out when he was home he would get all annoyed, he left all cooking, shopping, jobs to me so I had hardly any time or energy to go out.
xx

[gettingtired]

This is a great post. I missed so many red flags (mostly because I wasn’t even quite an adult when we first got together and had no idea what a red flag was!).
He would cancel on me a lot last minute in the early days, he got nasty towards a childhood male friend of mine for making a joke on social media about me having a new boyfriend, made weird comments about how all of his ex girlfriends were attractive, would accuse me of not letting him have female friends and being jealous when actually he made me feel insecure, went ballistic when he found out a male friend of mine was there when I met with friends, told me there was always going to be more attractive people in the world than me, only ever wanted to do things with his family/friends and not mine, would get sad/angry if I didn’t text back fast enough, spoke about bad things in his past (some of which I wonder was exaggerated) then in the future used what I told him about me against me, lovebombed me and bought me gifts, was obsessed with his ex girlfriend and would stalk her and her photos on social media daily (I’d go through his internet history as I was so paranoid), racked up a huge phone bill to talk to me whilst he was overseas for a period of time (which his family paid for). Wow, the list goes on! I feel sad to think back at how much I missed x

[RedStrawberry]

Bananaboat absolutely spot on, I thought the same he’s helping me build my confidence and there’s definitely some good experiences I never would have had without him. Its so clever how they do these things that a normal supportive partner would and lull you into a false sense of security but then twist them for their own benefit.

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